How Dependent Are We?
What Makes Us So Dependent

Love & dependency

Songs, poems & novels attest to our desperate yearning for love. Psychologists talk about it too (Fromm, 1974; Maslow, 1970; Shostrom, 1972; Peele, 1976).

Mature love, according to Fromm, doesn't say, "I love you because I need you," but rather "I need you because I love you."

Romantic love is referred to as D-love by Maslow. D-love is based on one's deficiencies, on one's weakness, as in popular songs: "I'd be lost without you" or "Since you left me baby, my life is over."

We need someone else to make us feel adequate or whole & secure. B-love is mature, unselfish love, i.e. based on a love of the "being" of the other person.

The self-actualized person wants but doesn't desperately need love so the loss of love to them is regretted but not traumatic. If our loved one decides to leave us, it probably means they're growing &/or trying something new.

We could wish them well instead of being crushed. We're crushed because we feel so needy. Maslow's theory suggests our reaction to the loss of love depends on how we look at it & our self-esteem.

D-love is like an addiction to drugs: we get hooked on someone we can't do without because of our own inadequacies (Peele, 1976).

How common is this? Some form of "social dependency" (a lover or friends) is the addiction of 2/3 of middle class teenagers; lower classes use drugs & alcohol, according to Peele.

After the infatuation is over, how can you tell if it's mature love or addictive dependency? Ask yourself these questions (Peele, 1976):

1. Is each lover mature & confident of his/her own worth & ability? Are they independent? Are they each comfortable alone?
2. Are both continuously improved by the relationship?
3. Do both have outside interests & relationships?
4. Is the love relationship integrated into his & her life rather than being an isolated part of life?
5. Is there no jealousy of the lover's success, growth & new interests?
6. Are the lovers also genuine, honest, close friends?

When our obsession with another person causes us to neglect our own needs & priorities, to neglect our own life, you need to cure your love addiction. Bireda (1990) addresses this problem directly.

Germaine Greer (1971) in The Female Eunuch points out that some lovers like their partners to fail or to have a weakness because a scared, inadequate person is more likely to stay dependent on them.

Likewise, making yourself indispensable to your partner, i.e. making him or her dependent on you, may be harmful to the relationship in the long run.

She says the question to ask is: "Do I want my love to be happy more than I want him/her to be with me?" If your answer is yes, it's probably mature love. If it's no or "I'm not sure," watch out for clinging dependency.

If your life centers almost entirely around your loved one, naturally breaking up will be agonizing & take a long time. Of course, growing & mature people often go different directions; parting will be regretted & painful for them too, but not a long-lasting emotional disaster.

In those cases where love suddenly turns to hate, it suggests that the person was thinking more of him/herself than the lover all along.

There's a saying,

"Love is nature's trick to insure the species."

The deep internal feelings of love are so similar all over the world, it isn't likely we learn to love from the movies.

Of course, we're often hoping for more from love than a relationship & sex. So often we hope that love & marriage will solve many or all of our anxieties & problems (Gordon, 1976).

As we'll discuss later, traditional women have wanted economic, social & emotional satisfaction; traditional men have wanted all the comforts of home, admiration & emotional support. (Non-traditional men & women expect less from their spouse.)

When our expectations aren't met by our lover, we have problems (disappointment & anger).

Being familiar with these theories - & that's all they are - may make us more aware of the emotional dependency & unreasonableness involved in "blind" love.

This awareness can help us cope. If deep, intimate love can't exist without certain kinds of dependencies, maybe we can anticipate those needs & handle them. Judith Bardwick (1979) & Marion Solomon (1994) say that lovers are always dependent.

To them dependency merely means mature lovers need affection & affirmation as being good, capable people. Lovers don't need to be insecure, self-doubting & helpless. But dependency is a part of intimacy.

They say mature lovers need both closeness & also distance; they need emotional connections & also autonomy. This is called an interdependent relationship.

Without a long-term commitment to a love relationship, Bardwick says we're in danger of feeling insecure, finding little meaning in life, & longing for unconditional love (Mother's love or amae).

I think love may be a basic human need, like safety or being touched or sex. I think there's some inevitable pain when love is lost (at least, it seems true for most of us). Thus, people in love aren't independent in the sense that they can just easily walk away (angry lovers perhaps can).

Healthy people in love are independent enough that they can, with conscious effort, walk away from a very unhappy, restrictive relationship.

Having formed a couple, each person should, of course, remain free to have his/her own interests, friends & activities. So, lovers need to be independent & dependent.

A student shared with me this beautiful, poignant message:  

Being Your Own Person

After a while you learn the subtle difference

between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning

and company doesn't mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts

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