Despair & Forgiveness

Hopelessness & Despair

Hopelessness, despair, meaninglessness & void are words used to describe the feelings that can emerge as you face the changes in your life that result from your loss.

It may be that everything is different, or that all you held dear & true about love or life has disintegrated. You may experience fear & lack of confidence about the future.

This is the central pain of grief. As sadness empties out of you, then hopelessness & despair arise. You may feel there's no light at the end of the tunnel. Other images that people have used to describe their hopelessness are:

• a forest after a forest fire
• a barren desert
• the dark night of the soul 
• an abyss

You may not be able to find the courage to put your feelings into words when you can't believe in a future or you have ambivalence about it.

Your grief may not be the way you thought it would be. Perhaps you never thought you would feel this way. If you see no point in going on & its hard to find a purpose, you wonder how you can go on living in these circumstances.

Depression, suicidal thoughts, or a longing to have life be over may plague you now. Hopelessness & despair can come at moments along the way or be a significant portion of your grief journey.

These feelings are related to depression & you & others might call it that. In grief, your mood is variable & you have a range of emotions, i.e., you have moments when you can laugh.

In clinical depression, your mood is consistently low & you're emotionally flat. Your fear may be that it'll always be this way, but this is an inbetween time - a still place or a transition - in which you integrate what has been with what is now. The stillness or emptiness allows you to move into what is to come.

What forms does despair take?

Despair is:

• An uncontrollable emotional response to loss, which involves reacting to the pain & anguish involved.

• Sobbing & crying, physical responses to the hurt & suffering of the loss.

• Physically tightening the chest & involuntary muscular contractions that occur at the time one "lets go" & feels the total emotion of a loss.

• Often seen as deep depression in which one withdraws completely into oneself & pulls away from others, suffering privately the pain & anguish of the loss.

• Wailing, ranting & invective aimed at God, self, or others in response to the wave of emotional grief experienced in a loss. The sense of being "ungrounded," "unsettled," "lost," "disenfranchised," or "forgotten" as a result of a loss.

• A feeling of overwhelming insecurity & fear after realizing the magnitude of the loss involved.

• The unwillingness of the human spirit to accept the loss & the crying out for justice, redemption, forgiveness & compassion for the loss event.

• Questioning the "fairness" of treatment resulting from the loss & flailing out against it.

• The emotional response most commonly misunderstood as the only response to grief.

What irrational beliefs inhibit the resolution of despair?

• If I cry, I'll show my weakness.

• If I become emotional, I'll reveal my lack of control to others.

• Life should always be fair.

• You must be strong in the face of adversity.

• I must be strong to carry everyone in my family during this crisis.

• If I ignore this problem long enough, it'll go away.

• I must be going crazy or else I wouldn't be responding this way.

• It's not ladylike (or manly) to cry in public.

• I'm the only one going thru this problem; no one else could understand.

• If I let others see my anguish & pain, they'll lose respect for me.

• If I have a problem accepting my loss & let others know, they'll ostracize me.

• It's not normal to be feeling this way.

• There are certain social expectations we have to meet in facing a loss like this.

• If I go thru this anguish once, I'll never have to grieve over this loss again.

• I can't believe I still find myself crying uncontrollably after so much time has passed

• No one should ever have to hurt like this.

• I should be able to resume normal activities as soon as possible.

• It's abnormal to act this way; if others see me act this way they'll think I'm abnormal.

• I'd never admit to anyone how I really feel because it's my personal business & I shouldn't burden anyone else w/my problems.

• If I allow myself to feel & act this way, I'm going to feel guilty later on for such feelings & actions.

What are the results of blocked or unresolved despair?

People with blocked despair:

• have difficulty tuning in to real human emotion.

• feel guilty for the hidden feelings of despair they're harboring

• feel uncomfortable when others despair over a similar loss

• become guarded about letting others know their feelings

• can fall into a deep depression

• often withdraw from others & keep to themselves

• can become "autistic-like" in their response to life's ups & downs

• are unable to accept their loss; therefore they don't adjust to the changes which result

• keep up a "happy face" or "mask of strength" for others but are scared inside

• are often never able to seek or accept help in dealing w/their loss

People with unresolved despair:

• become hysterical in response to any human emotion displayed openly to them

• become crusaders of a "cause" trying to change the way things are in the hard, cruel world

• find it difficult to associate with others who have or are currently suffering a similar loss

• are in a constant state of letting others know about their loss & how much anguish & pain has resulted from the loss

• believe that they're responding normally to their loss & deny their behavior is a form of clinical depression.

• seek out an audience to whom they can ventilate their despair

• become "self-centered,"  ignoring the needs & wants of others, & pursue only self-interests

• mask their lack of coping with their loss in a veneer of strength & gusto

• are never able to cope or adjust to the changes in life resulting from their loss

• become convinced that no one can help them & so they become "lone rangers" & begin to challenge the system to change things

How does one recognize an inappropriate response to despair?

We know we're having an inappropriate response to despair when we:

• Can't