emotions & feelings associated with desperation

How many people am I?

It may feel odd, at first, to relate to ourselves as if we were more than one person. It may feel very peculiar to try & have a conversation with a part of ourselves.

However, it's extremely effective to do so & it works so well that it's the basic principle behind many different kinds of healing methods.

Some parts of ourselves can easily become split off & take on a voice & set of characteristics to the point that we can have a sort of dialog with them & learn about ourselves that way. As we dialog with those parts of ourselves they start to reintegrate into our sense of self & this also helps reduce the sense of lack.

Often when we feel that something is missing - it is! It's a part of us that's missing, or has got locked into a negative pattern. We need to reclaim the different parts of ourselves to feel whole & fully alive.

The search for a partner

Sometimes in life - we look for people who'll contradict our inner dialog. If my inner dialog is very negative & is never, or rarely, reassuring then I may be tempted to seek reassurance from other people.

I'll look to others to tell me "Well done! You did a great job there." when I really ought to take responsibility of telling myself that.

Others may be happy to oblige my need, or they may sense it as 'neediness' (depending on their own issues) & back away. If they oblige my need I may become dependent on them; if they back away this will just reinforce the negative voices of my inner dialog.

After I spend some time licking my wounds those negative voices may send me scurrying off in another attempt to find someone to contradict my negative inner dialog.

Negative inner voices can also be behind addictions, cravings & other odd behavior. If we feel that we don't know how to handle them then we tend to look for ways of numbing ourselves in an attempt not to hear them or be affected by them.

Sometimes it's like having a negative parrot sitting on our shoulder that has little or nothing good to say about us. However, there is a solution.

The cause of negative inner dialog can be complex & involved. However, we don't necessarily need to get into all of that. We can handle it head-on right here & now. We can do so by beginning to observe what's going on inside us in a detached way & then beginning to create positive patterns & thoughts that create a healthy inner life.

The following is just one way to go about this. If the method shown doesn't appeal to you skip to the end to see the list of books & other resources that you could use.

Creating a Healthy Relationship with Ourselves

(You'll need a pen or pencil, some sheets of blank paper & about an hour to do this exercise)

What are the most negative things you think or believe about yourself? Write a short list:

I am too...

I never ...

I always ...

I wish I would ...

Why do I let ....

Go thru the list / you did remember to keep it short didn't you? ;-) .

As you go thru them one at a time, write your observations about the thought & its number on your Observation sheet. Leave a couple of lines of space at the bottom of each observation as we will need that for step 2.

If nothing in particular occurs to you about each thought, no problem just move on to the next part.

2) Go thru your list again of thoughts again. What kind of mood or feelings comes with the thought?

You can express these as emotions (angry, sadness, isolation) or as descriptions (dark grey feeling, cold blue sensation, sticky dark mud) whatever seems natural to you.

Add these additional observations on your Observation sheet in space you left below each initial observation. Again, don't linger for more than a few minutes on each one & move on if you feel stuck.

3) Title another piece of paper "positive." Reverse the thoughts you wrote down earlier so that each negative thought is expressed as a positive thought & write it & a positive format on your positive sheet.

Note: An objection you may have to doing this is that you may feel that the positive version is 'not true'. For example you may feel that reversing "I am ugly." so that it becomes "I am beautiful" is telling yourself a lie.

The point is that inner states are a very different issue from our physical body image. I may look like the Hunchback of Notre Dame having a bad hair day, or The Elephant Man with a runny nose, but that doesn't make me ugly.

It might make my body unsightly, but that's not me. This is a very important distinction. Our beliefs about ourselves often get mixed up with our beliefs about our body. You can believe anything you like about your body, because if your inner state is healthy it will not make a whole lot of difference.

After all the Elephant Man was a popular & sought after person renowned for his charm, surely you can do even better?

- "I am so stupid." becomes "I am so smart."
- "I am alI hate myself." becomes "I love myself."
- "I am too short." Becomes "I am the perfect height."
- "I look awful." becomes "I look wonderful."
- "I have no friends." becomes "I have lots of friends."

Do this for all the thoughts you wrote earlier & then go to the next step.

Note: What you've just done in creating your positive list is create a set of positive thoughts that directly match what you need to hear in order to have more positive feelings about yourself.

It comprises things that you need to be told that you'll unconsciously need others to 'tell' you (in words or deeds) in order to feel fulfilled.

The next step is to tell yourself these things so you can claim your independence & become more able to give. This is all about Fake it till you make it.

4) Using another piece of paper (you may want one piece of paper per thought), or write the thought from your positive list 6 times or so at your own pace.

What feelings & thoughts come up when you do this?

Write them down on the paper too:

If a strong negative thought come up, write it down on the paper too then carefully & deliberately score it out & write the positive thought again below it. Don't be surprised if you run need a lot of paper to do this exercise!

If you feel really stuck with making any progress with getting a positive feeling or response from writing your positive thought, see how you feel about going further. If you're not ready to go deeper then start working on the next thought on your list.

Keep doing this till you get either a positive response to write down (in which case move onto the next thought on your positive list), or you run out of time.

The Desperation Point: Suicide of Teens & Young Adults
Author: Mary Robbins Published on: November 6, 2001

Suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death among college students & the 3rd leading cause of death among youth overall (ages 15-24).

• Every hour & 45 minutes another young person commits suicide
• Teen/youth suicide rates have tripled since 1970.

These statistics probably don't surprise you. You may know someone who has committed suicide, or you may have a friend or relative who you've seen go thru the grief of loosing a young person to suicide.

This age group in particular seems to be the most disturbing. Often we find ourselves asking,

"Why would someone so young with so much potential end their lives?"

The focus of what I plan to discuss revolves around something I call the desperation point. This is what causes the actual act of committing suicide.

The desperation point may happen without any warning, or it may take decades to arrive at. There are many ways to create this intense desperation. The key thing to remember w/this theory is that most likely for someone to commit suicide, they must be at a mental point of instability…that is to say that the young person becomes desperate for whatever myriad of reasons in their life & either attempts or succeeds in the act of ending their own life.

Some form of depression and/or other mental disorders seem to be present in people who commit/attempt suicide.

Some occurrences that would cause instant desperation could include:

• a loss of a loved one
• a drastic change of some type in the life of the young person
• coming-out of the closet to parents who don't accept the lifestyle
• being diagnosed w/a terminal illness
• sexual assault
• disapproval of some life-choice by someone who the individual is co-dependant upon, etc.

Desperation point caused by longer issues could include:

• chronic pain
• downward spiral of depression
• being trapped in an addiction & feeling that there is "no way out" except for suicide, etc.

When discussing suicide, methods of achieving the aim are also full of questions.

Why do some succeed & some fail? Why do others choose one method & some another? What makes an attempt successful?

Some of the most common methods for attempting suicide are:

• firearm to the head
• taking some form of pills
• jumping off of bridges or buildings
• slitting the wrists

It's common sense to see that a firearm to the head would be more successful perhaps than jumping, taking pills, or slitting the wrists. However it's not certain that any form will do the job "correctly" & not leave the person severely damaged & still alive.

People who succeed in suicide have often attempted before.

"…Evidence indicates that for every suicide, they are 50 to 100 attempts at suicide…"

What are the differences in method between men & women?

Men tend to be more likely to use firearms & women are more likely to slit the wrists or to overdose on pills.

This doesn't mean that this is the case in every scenario w/every young person. Some plan their demise in stages & others just jump into the act without thinking out the consequences or whether the attempt will actually be successful