emotions & feelings associated with
desperation
Overcoming Neediness, Insecurity &
Desperation
Some of
the biggest turn off's to a relationship are if someone senses too much neediness, insecurity or desperation in the other person.
Perhaps we ourselves don't
have those issues (putting aside for the moment that everyone does to some extent), but a friend of ours may have. Let's look at what would help our friend.
*******IMPORTANT
POINT!!!!*********
It's a basic
truth that the relationship we have with others mirrors the
relationship we have with ourselves.
*******IMPORTANT
POINT!!!!*********
What creates & sustains the relationship we have with ourselves is our 'inner
dialog'.
If I don't have a relationship with myself that's
constructive & supportive
(because I'm being overly self-critical) this can create a 'neediness' in me that causes
me to rely on others to meet needs that I'm really
quite capable of meeting myself
; when I discover how to do so.
It means that I end up approaching others from a sense of feeling empty & trying to fill a sense of lack rather than feeling happy & fulfilled & wanting to share this with them.
We may not get to that point overnight, but it can be done &
the journey is itself a fulfilling & worthwhile experience.
What's the problem?
If we listen to our inner dialog,
the chatter that goes on between the different parts of ourselves, we can soon discover where we need to heal or resolve issues so that we can have a better
relationship with ourselves & a better relationship with others.
I may have a very critical part of myself so that every time I make a mistake I get a flood of negative inner dialog "Oh no, I've get it wrong again! Can I never get it right"
etc.
If that's the case then I need to get that sorted if I really want to improve my relationships. One way of doing this
is to interrupt those negative voices & 'parent' them into a healthier state (which
sometimes just means telling them that they are wrong & need to shut up & at other times means working w/them to shift 'their' perspective).
Just letting those voices run on
& on without intervening is very destructive & can cause listlessness, lack of energy & enthusiasm & a real erosion in our confidence & self esteem.
Having negative inner dialog can lead to depression so it needs to be taken seriously & any effort we make to change it reaps real rewards.
How many
people am I?
It may
feel odd, at first, to relate to ourselves as if we were more than
one person. It may feel very peculiar to try & have a conversation with a part of ourselves.
However, it's extremely effective to do so & it works so well that it's the basic principle
behind many different kinds of healing methods.
Some parts of ourselves can easily become split off & take on a voice & set of characteristics to the point that we can have
a sort of dialog with them & learn about ourselves that way. As we dialog with those parts of ourselves they start to
reintegrate into our sense of self & this also helps reduce the sense of lack.
Often when we feel that something is missing - it is! It's a part of us that's missing, or has got locked into a negative pattern. We need to reclaim the different parts of ourselves to feel whole & fully alive.
The search for a partner
Sometimes in life - we look for
people who'll contradict our inner dialog. If my inner dialog is very negative & is never, or rarely, reassuring then I may be tempted to
seek reassurance from other people.
I'll look to others to tell me "Well done!
You did a great job there." when I really ought to take responsibility of telling myself that.
Others may be happy to oblige my need, or they may sense it as 'neediness' (depending on their own issues) & back away. If they oblige my need I may become dependent on them; if they back away this will just reinforce the negative voices of my inner dialog.
After I spend some time licking my wounds those negative voices may send me scurrying off in another attempt to find
someone to contradict my negative inner dialog.
Negative inner voices can also be behind addictions, cravings & other odd behavior. If we feel that we don't know how to handle them then we tend to look for ways of numbing ourselves in an attempt not to hear them or be affected by them.
Sometimes it's like having a negative parrot sitting on our shoulder that has little or nothing good to say about us. However,
there is a solution.
The cause of negative inner dialog can be complex & involved. However, we
don't necessarily need to get into all of that. We can handle it head-on right here & now. We can do so by beginning to observe what's going
on inside us in a detached way & then beginning to create positive patterns & thoughts that create a healthy inner life.
The following is just one way
to go about this. If the method shown doesn't appeal to you skip to the end to see the list of books & other resources
that you could use.
Creating a Healthy Relationship
with Ourselves
(You'll need a pen or pencil, some sheets of blank paper & about an hour to do this exercise)
What are the most negative things you think or believe about yourself? Write a short list:
I am too...
I never ...
I always ...
I wish I would ...
Why do I let ....
Go thru the list / you did remember to keep it short didn't you? ;-) .
1) Title a piece of paper
"Observations". Number the thoughts on your list & quickly go thru each one as follows (w/out lingering more than a few minutes on each one).
As you read them listen & discover if you can hear the type of voice that's telling you this. Is it male or female? How does it sound.
Is it angry, judgmental, critical, sad or
depressed? Does the voice sound like someone you know?
As you go thru them one at a time, write your observations about the thought & its number on your Observation sheet. Leave a couple of lines of space at the bottom of
each observation as we will need that for step 2.
If nothing
in particular occurs to you about each thought, no problem just move on to the next part.
2) Go thru your list again of thoughts again. What kind of mood or feelings comes with the thought?
You can express these as emotions (angry, sadness, isolation) or as descriptions (dark grey feeling, cold blue sensation, sticky dark mud)
whatever seems natural to you.
Add
these additional observations on your Observation sheet in space you left below each initial observation. Again, don't
linger for more than a few minutes on each one & move on if you feel stuck.
3) Title another piece of paper "positive." Reverse the thoughts you wrote down earlier so that each negative thought is expressed as a positive thought & write it & a positive format on your positive sheet.
Note: An objection you may have to doing this is that you may feel that the positive version is 'not true'. For example you may feel that reversing "I am ugly." so that it becomes "I am beautiful"
is telling yourself a lie.
The point is that inner states are a very different issue from our physical body image. I may look like the Hunchback of Notre Dame having a bad hair day, or The Elephant Man with a runny nose, but
that doesn't make me ugly.
It might make my body unsightly, but that's not me. This is a very important distinction.
Our beliefs about
ourselves often get mixed up with our beliefs
about our body. You can believe anything
you like about your body, because if your inner state is healthy it will not make a whole lot of difference.
After
all the Elephant Man was a popular & sought after person renowned for his charm, surely you can do even better?
- "I am so stupid." becomes "I am so smart."
- "I am alI
hate myself." becomes "I love myself."
- "I am too short." Becomes "I am the perfect height."
- "I look awful." becomes "I look wonderful."
- "I have no
friends." becomes "I have lots of friends."
Do this for all the thoughts you wrote earlier & then go to the next step.
Note: What you've just done in creating your positive list is create a set of positive thoughts that directly match what you need to hear in order to have more positive feelings about yourself.
It comprises things that you need to be told that you'll unconsciously need others to 'tell' you (in words or deeds) in order to feel fulfilled.
The
next step is to tell yourself these things so you can claim your independence & become more able to give. This is all about Fake it till you make it.
4) Using another piece of paper (you may
want one piece of paper per thought), or write the thought from your positive list 6 times or so at your own pace.
What feelings & thoughts come up when you do this?
Write them down on the paper too:
If
a strong negative thought come up, write it down on the paper too then carefully & deliberately score it out & write the positive thought again below it. Don't be surprised if you run need a lot of paper to do this exercise!
If you feel really stuck
with making any progress with getting a positive feeling or response from writing your positive thought, see how you feel about going further. If you're not ready to go deeper then start working on the next thought on your list.
Keep doing this
till you get either a positive response to write down (in which case move onto the next thought on your positive list), or you run out of time.
The Desperation Point: Suicide
of Teens & Young Adults
Author: Mary Robbins
Published on: November 6, 2001
Suicide is the 2nd leading
cause of death among college students & the 3rd leading cause of death among youth overall (ages 15-24).
- Every hour & 45 minutes
another young person commits suicide
- Teen/youth suicide rates
have tripled since 1970.
These statistics probably
don't surprise you. You may know someone who has committed suicide, or you may have a friend or relative who you've seen go
thru the grief of loosing a young person to suicide.
This age group in particular
seems to be the most disturbing. Often we find ourselves asking,
"Why would
someone so young with so much potential end their lives?"
The focus of what I plan to
discuss revolves around something I call the desperation
point. This is what causes the actual act of committing
suicide.
The desperation point may happen without any warning,
or it may take decades to arrive at. There are many ways to create this intense desperation. The key thing to remember w/this
theory is that most likely for someone to commit suicide, they must be at a mental point of instability…that is to say that the young
person becomes desperate for whatever myriad of reasons in their life & either attempts or succeeds in
the act of ending their own life.
Some form of depression and/or other mental disorders seem to be present in people who commit/attempt suicide.
Some occurrences that
would cause instant desperation could include:
- a loss of a loved one
- a drastic change of some
type in the life of the young person
- coming-out of the closet to
parents who don't accept the lifestyle
- being diagnosed w/a terminal
illness
- sexual assault
- disapproval of some life-choice
by someone who the individual is co-dependant upon, etc.
Desperation point caused by longer issues could include:
- chronic pain
- downward spiral of depression
- being trapped in an addiction
& feeling that there is "no way out" except for suicide, etc.
When discussing suicide, methods of achieving the aim are also
full of questions.
Why do some succeed & some fail? Why do others choose one method & some another? What makes an attempt successful?
Some of the most common methods for attempting suicide are:
- firearm to the head
- taking some form of pills
- jumping off of bridges or
buildings
- slitting the wrists
It's common sense to see that a firearm to the head would be
more successful perhaps than jumping, taking pills, or slitting the wrists. However it's not certain that any form will do the job
"correctly" & not leave the person severely damaged & still alive.
People who succeed in suicide have often attempted before.
"…Evidence
indicates that for every suicide, they are 50 to 100 attempts at suicide…"
What are the differences in method between men &
women?
Men tend to be more likely to use firearms & women are more
likely to slit the wrists or to overdose on pills.
This doesn't mean that this is the case in every scenario w/every
young person. Some plan their demise in stages & others just jump into the act without thinking out the consequences or
whether the attempt will actually be successful at all.
When the desperation point arrives,
all that matters is "getting out" & ending their "meaningless" life. Not many who attempt suicide on the spur of the moment
have time to stop & think about what will happen to those left behind.
Cynicism in our young
generation has grown. Music, television & movies…have raised suicide issues during the past few decades. In the
movie Pump up the Volume suicide is a major theme, as well as in an episode of Buffy
the Vampire Slayer that aired in 1999.
The lead singer of the rock group INXS, Michael Hutchence, committed
suicide. And most notably in the music world, the suicide of Kurt Cobain (Lead singer of the grunge-rock band Nirvana) in
1993, made a large gaping wound in the lives of many young adults who could relate to his sullen, often depressed & angry lyrics.
Depression centered music has become very popular in the 90's & even to the present day. Young people that feel
depressed, cynical & perhaps a little suicidal are drawn to these bands that discuss the same feelings.
It's a type of release & validation for the minds that haven't found a reason to keep going. The music itself can
be a reason to hold on. Some older adults feel that this "depressed music" is what leads to the suicide, but I disagree in this area. I feel that suicide will be done,
w/ or w/out depressing music, if the person has it in his or her mind.
Does talking about suicide make someone suicidal?
I don't feel that talking about suicide makes a person "do it",
however, there's reason to take heed if a person talks about suicide all the time.
They could possibly be trying to ask for help w/out actually
saying the words aloud. Discussion of suicide should be allowable to validate the young person's feelings.
Dwelling in the dark places of the mind can be dangerous if
it lasts for too long. There is a fine line between living in suicidal thoughts & the desperation point.
How can suicide be prevented?
Most importantly is perhaps the support system
that the young person has. Counseling for young people, especially after a classmate has succeeded in the act of suicide, is one way to lower the
risk of additional suicides.
The number of suicides has been linked w/one of the group committing
suicide first. The others seem to follow in a sort of copy-cat type of scenario.
The most important support system is having faith in some "higher power". Life sometimes is unbearable & w/a "higher power" there for support, things can be manageable.
Also in church or other religious groups, the fellowship atmosphere
can decrease the loneliness that is so often one of the factors in suicide. The youth is assured that he or she isn't alone in the world.
The following information on talking to suicidal teens was taken from a website entitled
"Teenage Depression & prevention of teenage suicide". The link to this helpful website is included in the resource list I have placed at the end of this article:
Basic Elements To Consider When Addressing A Suicidal Young Person:
1. One doesn't encourage a young person by talking about the issue. Don't fear addressing it.
2. Suicidal tendencies aren't inherited. Some young people will fear that possibility.
3. If the suicidal student makes improvement, the suicide risk is decreased, but can
still exist.
4. There's no such thing as "a lost cause" when someone is suicidal.
5. Never assume that talk
of suicide is simply a manipulation for attention. What if you're wrong?
6. If the suicidal person is in counseling
or therapy, don't assume they're safe from suicide.
7.
Suicide never just comes "out of the blue." There are always personal reasons for the feelings.
8. Just because a person is suicidal doesn't mean suicide will always be an option.
9. Having
previously failed an attempted suicide doesn't protect someone from another attempt.
The following are
some websites that may be of use to those interested in learning more about teen & young adult suicide & preventative
measures:
Teenage Depression & prevention of teenage suicide: http://www.1-teenage-suicide.com/index.html
National Suicide Prevention Directory [listings in each state
of the US of places & numbers to call for help with suicidal family & friends]: http://www.darkmother.com/nspd.html
Yellow Ribbon Suicide Prevention Program: www.yellowribbon.org
Youth Suicide Prevention A Parents Guide (The scout association
of Australia): http://www.childsafe.net.au/SCOUTS/scysp1.html#fact
Desperation to inspiration in 30 minutes
flat! - by Peter Simmons
Hi my name is Peter. I'm no success
guru, in fact I've never written an article on this subject before, ever! So why am I writing it now you ask?
To tell you of something that truly inspired me & I hope will inspire you too.
Steve & I have been best friends for about 20 years now. Like most people we've had our ups & downs
over the years & despite moving to different areas we've still kept in touch.
In fact I really like that about our friendship,
no matter what happens we'll always keep in touch & support each other. We're not really the
kind of best friends that contact each other every day or even every other day. On average its probably about every 2 to 3
weeks.
I suppose like most people we have tried to weave our way thru life with what we have. Neither of us setting the world alight when we left school with only minor school qualifications &
not really being good at anything in particular.
Steve had always considered himself impaired in some way. He discovered
he was dyslexic sometime later & led a dyslexic life. He didn't read or write unless forced & this ultimately had
a huge impact on his life.
He didn't learn much & he didn't know what was
going on in the world because he didnt watch the news, read newspapers, books or sign up for any courses.
Worst of all, he increasingly suffered from a lack
of self-confidence that affected everything he did or thought about doing negatively. I noticed it more & more & it really got me down to see him like that.
I tried to encourage him telling him he could do anything he wanted & giving examples of people who had achieved in their lives often against
what seemed to be huge obstacles. It wasn't having much effect he just saw the negative.
One day I saw one of those tv ads for a tv programme that was just about to start. The programme was apparently
going to be investigating a new treatment for dyslexia sufferers.
He might find it interesting I thought & sent him a phone text message, "channel 3 now". I watched the 30 minute programme. Although it was still early in their
research trials, their results were positive.
I wondered if he had seen it & found it interesting.
I didn't hear from him, so made a mental note to ask him what he thought of it next time we spoke & thought no more about it.
The tv programme had showed that so far in the trials, if sufferers did a series of eye & body
coordination exercises daily, they significantly improved their learning abilities, reading & writing. This in-turn had
a profound effect on their self-confidence & daily lives.
They didn't consider themselves impaired or different
anymore, they became new people & people saw that dramatic change in them instantly.
A few days later he phoned me. Something had changed in his voice, he sounded charged with excitement.
As I sat stunned he explained that his whole life
had changed. Everything that the dyslexia sufferers in the tv programme had suffered he had also suffered.
Feelings of being worthless, stupid, confused, lacking in concentration, severe frustration, lack of confidence. He identified with these people of all ages who felt the same as he did, he wasn't the only one suffering with it. He wasn't
alone anymore.
I remained stunned as he continued to talk & eventually he became conscious of the fact he hadnt stopped
talking. I told him to carry on because it was good to hear him talking so positively & confidently.
He'd also just landed a new job as a care support
worker which involves helping & supporting others with some kind of difficulty in their homes.
I couldn't believe the transformation I was witnessing.
A few days later I spoke to him again by phone &
was relieved to find that it hadn't been a dream, it was real & he was still the new Steve. He was still positive & motivated. He'd even started to read a book, something he hadn't done before.
At the time I write this article, Steve has sent
off for more information on the trials & the oversubscribed course they're beginning to offer.
He hasn't yet received any information or taken any
courses, yet he feels as if he's benefitted because he's been doing some of the simple daily exercises he saw being done by
the sufferers on the programme.
Steve, you inspired me!
I hope by writing this article it'll inspire others to change their lives for the better too, whether you suffer with dyslexia or not. Always be on the lookout for that spark of opportunity
that could change your life or someone close to you forever.
Good luck!
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Surviving Edgar
My father died
young, he was 35 & had been a diabetic since he was 8 & lost his eyesight when he was 30. I was 9 when the first man
I ever loved “left” me. My mother had a series of failed marriages after that & I don’t think she has ever forgiven him for dying on her. I don’t think any of his girls have. I always think about how my life would have been different if he would have lived to help me thru the times that I really needed this man in my life. Instead, I'd spend the next 15 years searching for a man to love me.
Pregnant at 17
At 15
I became sexually active. My first relationship to last longer than 2 months was when I turned 17. I found out I was pregnant
that same week. I had been dating a man that was 23 & recently had gotten out of the navy. He was a serious “mama’s
boy” but I thought since we were having a child, he would change. I was wrong! After my daughter was born I was hospitalized for 7 days, due to the mid-wife that delivered her at
the military hospital in Fort Hood, TX.
Didn’t remove all of my placenta & I developed a severe uterine infection & almost died.
After that,
my daughter’s father & I remained a couple until she was 3 months old. I needed someone in my life that would put us first & with him I knew his mother would always be first. While he does see Marina
every summer, he still has not had a long-term relationship with any woman.
I
moved to Kansas City when Marina
was 6 months. I got a factory job & we managed. My sister & I shared a house & split the bills. I was now 18 &
struggling when I met my son’s father. We had a met up a couple of times & I got pregnant. Everyone wanted me to
have an abortion, but I couldn’t do that. He never spoke to me or saw his son until he was 1 ˝ years old. Adrienne is
now 9 & although his father lives in the same town & pays child support, he has seen him 10 times in his 9 years of
life.
I
was desperate to find a man to love me & my kids.
At age 21 I was desperately seeking to find
a man to love my 2 children & me. When I met the man who would later become my first husband & father of 2 more children.
I met
Edgar Granados in a Mexican dance club. He spoke very little English but he made me laugh. During the first 3 months everything
was great. He took my children trick-or-treating & he took us out to dinner. It was perfect. He was really interested in the “family.”
Then he began using drugs heavily & developed this paranoia that I was cheating on him. At that time I was living with my mother, he came over
& asked me to run with him to get cigarettes. As soon as we turned the corner he started punching me & smacking me.
I was shocked & confused. I tried to figure out what I had done to him. I didn’t speak to him for 3 days. Then he cried & apologized &
I fell for it.
Of course,
it got worse. We moved in together & the abuse became a daily thing. I have been bitten, kicked, punched, hit, had scissors held to my throat so hard that the point pressed
into my neck & caused it to bleed. I've had a loaded sawed off shotgun held to my side, with the kids in the backseat
& a police car right behind us. I've been raped with that same sawed off shotgun. I've had plates of food thrown at me
& learned that when we leave the house to keep my eyes looking downward so he doesn’t think I'm looking at another man.
He poured beer on me & tried to catch me on fire.
Then I became
pregnant with our first child together. At 9 months, he had went on a drinking & drugging binge & came home & decided to grab me by my pony tail & drag me around the house. We returned to the living room where
he threw unopened cans of beer at me & then decided to see if beer was flammable.
He poured
beer on me & tried to catch me on fire. It was unsuccessful, so he passed out. My sister came the next morning
to take me to do laundry. As I was taking the bags to her, he woke up, thinking that I was leaving him & began hitting me.
I
backed Adrienne who was 4 at that time, into a corner & I stood in front of him. He began throwing things at me, when
my sister came up & got us out of there.
I asked myself repeatedly
“why are you with him”?
I filed
a police report & he eventually went to county jail for 2 months. I asked for him to be deported & was told
that they only do that when they have enough to fill a bus. Two months later, he swore he had changed. By that time I had already given birth to our son, Nicholas. Everything was fine the first 6 months, then I got pregnant
again & his father & brother came up from Mexico &
were staying with us.
He started
drinking & using again. By the time I had my 4th child, a girl, Angelica. I was fed up with the crap.
I simply hated him. It feeling disgusted me to even look at him. I realized how big of a loser he was & asked myself repeatedly “why are you with him”?
One night when Angelica was 2 weeks old, he came home at 3
am & thought he would do his usual of degrading me. I wasn’t in the mood (finally) & grabbed my pink princess phone & started
beating him upside the head with it. I was sitting on the couch feeding my daughter at the time & “forgot”
that I was holding her.
He yanked
the phone from me & at that point I grabbed him by his shirt & flipped him over us & the couch onto the
floor in front of me. I then grabbed a pole that we used to hold the window up & started hitting him with it. He got up
& started hitting me & I dug my nails into his face & we went to blows.
My son Adrienne
at one point came in & said “MOMMY! ANGELICA!” I somehow handed Angelica to him & we just kept at it.
Afterwards, I thought about everything that had happened. I felt this horrible guilt inside of me for being filled with such rage that I didn’t even remember that I was holding my newborn. I knew something had to change & I started to plot ways I could leave successfully.
God was saying “here is your chance, don’t
blow it!”
Later that
week, his father had decided he didn’t want to be around our arguing & he was returning to Mexico.
Upon his leaving, he died of a heart attack. Edgar left to go to the funeral & I decided that this was God saying
“here's your chance, don’t blow it!” So I left. The last thing I wanted to do was move in with my mother
& her drunken husband, but I knew I had too.
That wasn't
the life I wanted, that isn't the person I am & that wasn't how I wanted my kids to live. My family has a history
of living miserable lives. They all settle. I hate my family for settling & I didn't want to be like them.
I hated myself more for LETTING him do that to me.
At one point,
a prosecutor wanted me to go to a woman’s shelter. I didn’t want to. To me that was like saying, he won. He scared
me so badly that I had to go live in a shelter & hide. I hated him for everything he did to me, but I hated myself more for LETTING him do that to me. I hated that I was so desperate for a man that I lived like that & brought 2 more children
into a meaningless marriage. I hated that I had settled & believed him when he said no man would ever want a woman with 4 kids. I hated that I did that to my kids.
I was miserablee at my mothers, it was like I was still living with Edgar. My step-father would come in at 4
am & wake me & my kids up just to let me know I was a whore & he hated me. I was miserable but I knew it would get better, I don’t know how but I just had faith that something good HAD to come out of this.
After I found a
job, I went on my first date ever.
About 6
months after leaving him, he was still calling, driving by, stalking me, but I eventually found
a decent job & within 2 weeks was asked out for a lunch date! It was the first date I had ever been on!! During my lunch,
I let him know I have 4 kids, 2 are part black, 2 are part Hispanic. There are 3 different fathers.
My kids
haven't had an easy life & if all you want is to have fun, then I'm not the girl for you. For the first time in
my life I didn’t care if he liked me, or was offended, or thought I was rude. I told him what I wanted & if he didn’t like it then that was on him. I knew it wasn’t going
to be easy for my babies & me but I knew I could do it; it would just take me a while.
We continued to date & he helped me get a place. My credit was a mess so even
though he owned his own home & wanted me to move in with him. I wasn’t quite ready for that. He co-signed on a house
for my kids & me. He bought us all kinds of house wares & for the first time in my kid’s life, they all had
their own beds! It was exciting! That Christmas he spent $500 on each of my kids. That was their best Christmas ever!
Three months
later he bought me an engagement ring & we'll be married for 3 years this June! It hasn’t been easy &
I've had my moments where I don’t think I deserve to be treated so good, but we work thru it. Our lives have changed drastically. It still surprises me how different we live.
Edgar is the true victim, not me.
I
definitely do NOT consider myself a “victim”. Edgar is the victim. He is a victim
of the life he created for himself. He has a total of 7 children between the U.S & Mexico (that
I know of) & I'm certain that there are 2 that will never consider him their dad. He's a victim of drugs, he is a victim of alcohol, he is a victim of himself. I'm thankful that I stopped considering myself a victim of him & realized that the choices
I make can get me out of there just as easily as they put me in there! I chose a better life & it didn’t take me
long to find it!
Desperate Prayer
On July 5, 1969 I faked a drowning death & walked away from family & friends forever or so I thought.
Almost 3 years later, my
family discovered that I was alive & began praying for me. I knew nothing about this when I began hearing the insistent
call of the Holy Spirit in my soul.
I rebelled & fought
against the call of God, but I eventually relented & returned to my God & then to my family.
I returned,
but I wasn't the same man that left. Satan had twisted my mind & marred my soul. And my return was an arduous & painful
journey.
I've faced many exceptionally
stressful times in my life, but I'll have to admit that my return to God & family was the most traumatic event I ever faced.
I daily beat myself over the head
with the club of condemnation. The reproach & shame
of what I'd done was eating me up. I couldn't stand it.
On one particular
day, I drove over 100 miles on back country roads, crying & weeping all the way. I wanted to die but I couldn't.
As I neared home, I drove
slower & slower. I wasn't ready to face the reality of present circumstances yet. So, I turned in to a public park
on the river. I drove my car to the dam & sobbed profusely because of the deep & unrelenting hurt within.
It was a cold day &
all my windows were closed except the wing window on the driver's side. Suddenly, within 2 feet of my face, sat a little bird
perched in the open window. I sat still & quit crying.
He flew inside where I
soon caught him. But when I did, he put up the most awful fight & escaped from my hand. I sat staring at his tail feathers
still clutched between my fingers. I hadn't meant to hurt him. I softly whispered my apologies as I tried to catch him again.
When I did catch him,
he didn't like it any better than he did the first time.
Oh, how I wanted to communicate
my love to that little bird, but he wouldn't let me!
In quiet desperation, I softly prayed, "Jesus, tell him I love him. Jesus, tell him I love him!"
The Holy Spirit then echoed
those words in my soul as though they were the words of the Father concerning me, saying, "Jesus, tell him I love him".
An awesome feeling came over me. The Holy Spirit continued to speak, letting me know the Father had always loved me. The rebellion & struggling against the hand of God had been my own doing.
I resisted God because
I'd been afraid of Him & the restrictions He was bringing upon my life. But I hadn’t known the restrictions
were for my own good & were being administered by the loving kindness of God.
As I meditated on those
5 precious words, I realized God had spoken in an audible voice. His message was no less significant because he used
my vocal cords.
A Holy silence filled my soul
& I knew that if I would re-read the Gospels of Christ, that the Father's message would be amplified & clarified a
thousand times. I knew that the life & words of Jesus were God's message to the world, that He really did love them.
But, His message
thru the little bird had been a personal word to me. The Father really did love me, in spite of all my failures & sins. Oh what a marvelous kind of love that is!
From that day on, I have
known the Father loves me, personally, as an individual whom He sees & knows & understands. On the strength of that knowledge, I have made
it thru many trying times since then. The God who numbers the hairs
on our head & who knows each sparrow that falls, is the same God who sees & knows us at the point of our deepest need.
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Despair in
New Mothers
Despair
This surfaces when too many other feelings come at once, when the demands on your time & energy are overwhelming,
when you feel that you just can't cope.
Women
wonder whether life will ever feel normal & ask themselves how they'll ever manage to do simple, ordinary things
like washing their hair & cooking a simple meal again.
Feeling Powerless
Terri Camp
The sound of a thud
followed by a horrendous scream awakened me. For a moment I pondered what to do. I continued to
listen, trying to decide if I'd really have to get out of bed, or could I simply place a pillow over my head & return to my blissful dream state?
Even
with the pillow over my head I continued to hear the dreadful sounds coming from downstairs. I grumbled, "How come kids have to fight when I don't feel well?" I decided the children definitely needed the parental guidance that only I could give them at the time.
After
another child began yelling, I pulled my body out of bed & began to fly down the stairs. Isn't it funny how you
can be so tired, yet suddenly find the energy to fly down the stairs?
As soon as the children heard me descending
the stairs, they began their tales of woe. Everyone seemed to feel they weren't at fault. The person who pushed Bryan
was certain it was Bryan's fault that he fell against the wall. Bryan didn't think it was his fault that he wrecked another person's "tent." I think Erica was yelling at everyone to "BE QUIET!"
I surveyed the damage
the 5 children had managed in about 30 minutes' time.
The living room was a wreck. Bryan
had been making giant airplanes out of anything he could get his hands on. Therefore, all of my organizational bins were dumped
out & arranged in a giant airplane shape. The contents of the paper bins were strewn throughout the kitchen.
To top it all off, someone had removed all the cushions from the couches
& had made a giant tent with them.
After looking around for a moment I once again wanted to bury my head
beneath my pillow. Sensing the children were hungry, I instructed a couple of kids to begin the breakfast routine.
Meanwhile the 3 youngest children
continued arguing with each other. I became fearful of the kind of
day I was going to experience.
Desperation took hold as I listened to kids fighting over how much milk they need & what color bowl they wanted, & which spoon they had already chosen. I must admit I was tempted to plug them all
into the television for the rest of the day.
I had about 30 seconds of time with the Lord. So I quickly got in what
I wanted to say, "Lord, HELP!"
I ventured back to the fighting children & reminded them they had
JOYS to
do. JOYS are Joyful, Obedient, Youthful, Services. I wasn't optimistic they would do them joyfully.
Imagine my surprise when David began helping John with the living room.
Imagine my further surprise when Briana informed me she had already emptied the dishwasher.
My
countenance began to change. After their JOYS were quickly completed, I assembled them all for the morning read aloud time. They seemed to respond
faster than normal. Within just a few minutes they were all sitting in the living room with notebooks,
pencils & paper. Bryan was even sitting quietly with a small pile of books.
For nearly 2 hours I read as we laughed together &
explored a world of entomology. Did you know there is a certain dung beetle that mates for life? Even amidst the dung of the
world, they still have good morals.
As soon as I finished reading,
the children were full of excitement. They
began searching other books for all the information they could get on insects. There was a fire lit in them, & they wanted
to explore & discover! This is one of my greatest joys in
life, seeing my children excited to learn.
As I prepared lunch, the children were working together to create a habitat for some newly acquired
critters. I began to think about the morning. I smiled as I thought of the kids outside excited about learning & learning from each other.
I thought of the way my morning began. I wondered
when the change took place in our house. Then I was reminded of my simple, yet honest plea for help.
It was then, in my moment
of weakness, that the Lord changed the spirit in our house. Sometimes I wonder
if I awaken in the morning & quickly say, "Lord, HELP!" if I'll always have days that are as wonderful as this one?
It's so easy for me to forget that it isn't
under my own power that my house
is run. It's the power of the Lord who keeps us going. I often need mornings like today to remind me that I'm powerless. I pray that
today finds you powerless
as well.
In addition to devoting herself to her husband & the 8 children she home schools, Terri also enjoys writing & speaking to offer encouragement to women in an effervescent, humorous way. Visit her Web site here or e-mail her at terri@ignitethefire.com.
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