What is detachment?

Detachment is the:

• Ability to allow people, places, or things the freedom to be themselves.

• Holding back from the need to rescue, save, or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional, or irrational.

• Giving another person "the space" to be him or herself.

• Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.

• Willingness to accept that you can't change or control a person, place or thing.

• Developing & maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you've previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.

• Establishing of emotional boundaries between you & those people you've become overly enmeshed or dependent within order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy & independence.

• Process by which you're free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter & fail & not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.

• Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern & caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.

• Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective & recognizing that there's a need to back away from the uncontrollable & unchangeable realities of life.

• Ability to exercise emotional self-protection & prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable & rational point.

• Ability to let people you love & care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions & to practice tough love & not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.

• Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be."

• Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.

What are the negative effects not detaching?

If you're unable to detach from people, places, or things, then you:

·       Will have people, places, or things which become over-dependent on you.

·       Run the risk of being manipulated to do things for people, at places, or with things, which you don't really want to do.

·       Can become an obsessive "fix it'' who needs to fix everything you perceive to be imperfect.

·       Run the risk of performing tasks because of the intimidation you experience from people, places, or things.

·       Will most probably become powerless in the face of the demands of the people, places, or things whom you have given the power to control you.

·       Will be blind to the reality that the people, places, or things which control you are the uncontrollables & unchangeables you need to let go of if you are to become a fully healthy, coping individual.

·       Will be easily influenced by the perception of helplessness which these people, places, or things project.

·       Might become caught up with your idealistic need to make everything perfect for people, places, or things important to you even if it means your own life becomes unhealthy.

·       Run the risk of becoming out of control of yourself & experience greater low self-esteem as a result.

·       Will most probably put off making a decision & following thru on it, if you rationally recognize your relationship with a person, place, or thing is unhealthy & the only recourse left is to get out of the relationship.

·       Will be so driven by guilt & emotional dependence that the sickness in the relationship will worsen.

• Run the risk of losing your autonomy & independence & derive your value or worth solely from the unhealthy relationship you continue in with the unhealthy person, place, or thing.

How is detachment a control issue?

What irrational thinking leads to an inability to detach?

·         If you should stop being involved, what will they do without you?

·         They need you & that's enough to justify your continued involvement.

·         What if they commit suicide because of your detachment? You must stay involved to avoid this.

·         You would feel so guilty if anything bad should happen to them after you reduced your involvement with them.

·         They're absolutely dependent on you at this point & to back off now would be a crime.

·         You need them as much as they need you.

·         You can't control yourself because everyday you promise yourself "today is the day'' you'll detach your feelings but you feel driven to them & their needs.

·         They have so many problems, they need you.

·         Being detached seems so cold & aloof. You can't be that way when you love & care for a person. It's either 100% all the way or no way at all.

·         If you should let go of this relationship too soon, the other might change to be like the fantasy or dream you want them to be.

·         How can being detached from them help them? It seems like you should do more to help them.

·         Detachment sounds so final. It sounds so distant & non-reachable. You could never allow yourself to have a relationship where there's so much emotional distance between you & others. It seems so unnatural.

·         You never want anybody in a relationship to be emotionally detached from you so why would you think it a good thing to do for others?

·         The family that plays together stays together. It's all for one & one for all. Never do anything without including the significant others in your life.

·         If one hurts in the system, we all hurt. You don't have a good relationship with others unless you share in their pain, hurt, suffering, problems & troubles.

·         When they're in "trouble'' how can you ignore their "pleas'' for help? It seems cruel & inhuman.

·         When you see people in trouble, confused & hurting, you must always get involved & try to help them solve the problems.

·         When you meet people who are "helpless,'' you must step in to give them assistance, advice, support & direction.

·         You should never question the costs, be they material, emotional, or physical, when another is in dire need of help.

·         You'd rather forgo all the pleasures of this world in order to assist others to be happy & successful.

·         You can never "give too much'' when it comes to providing emotional support, comforting & care of those whom you love & cherish.

·         No matter how badly your loved ones hurt & abuse you, you must always be forgiving & continue to extend your hand in help & support.

• Tough love is a cruel, inhuman & anti-loving philosophy of dealing with the troubled people in our lives & you should instead love them more when they're in trouble since "love'' is the answer to all problems.

How to develop detachment

In order to become detached from a person, place, or thing you need to:

First: Establish emotional boundaries between you & the person, place, or thing with whom you've become overly enmeshed or dependent on.

Second: Take back power over your feelings from persons, places, or things which in the past you have given power to affect your emotional well-being.  

Third: "Hand over'' to your Higher Power the persons, places & things which you'd like to see changed but which you can't change on your own.  

Fourth: Make a commitment to your personal recovery & self-health by admitting to yourself & your Higher Power that there's only one person you can change & that's yourself & that for your serenity you need to let go of the "need'' to fix, change, rescue, or heal other persons, places & things.  

Fifth: Recognize that it's "sick'' & "unhealthy'' to believe that you have the power or control enough to fix, correct, change, heal, or rescue another person, place, or thing if they don't want to get better nor see a need to change.  

Sixth: Recognize that you need to be healthy yourself & be "squeaky clean'' & a "role model'' of health in order for another to recognize that there's something "wrong'' with them that needs changing.  

Seventh: Continue to own your feelings as your responsibility & not blame others for the way yo