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detached
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distanced - distant
distracted
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doubtful - doubted
dysfunctional
remembering september eleventh
forever free: remembering september eleventh
forever & always

 

Your dictionary definition of:

de·tached

   adj.

  1. Separated; disconnected: a detached part; a detached plug.
  2. Standing apart from others; separate: a house with a detached garage.
  3. Marked by an absence of emotional involvement & an aloof, impersonal objectivity. See Synonyms at cool.

Detachment doesn't mean you don't let the experience penetrate you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. That's how you are able to leave it.


Mitch Albom, quoting Morrie Schwartz, Tuesdays with Morrie

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welcome! to emotional feelings, 4!

 

after looking things over here at emotional feelings, 4, try out "the layer down under," (part of the emotional feelings network of sites) & read a special "i just gotta say it" column concerning porn addiction by clicking here! Be sure to scroll down towards the bottom of the right hand column to find it!
 
just another great suggestion... visit the homepage! you can read more about the emotional feelings network of sites there, as well as, a heads up about who is feeling what emotions within the network each month!

How this site works best for you!
 
You'll notice that there are many underlined link words in each article below. The reason for this is that you have reached not only, "emotional feelings, 4," but the emotional feelings network of sites. There are many sites included within the network that'll be visited by clicking on these underlined link words.
 
The reason for this opportunity is very simple & yet you may be unnerved by all those underlined words! I've been in recovery from post traumatic stress disorder, depression & many other dysfunctional ventures & thru it all I've discovered that emotion & feeling work may be the missing link that many people miss when trying to find solutions to their problems.
 
Developing a sense of curiosity about why you feel the way you do, is essential in finding the solution you so desperately are searching for.
 
If you can't find what you came here looking for, visit the homepage for the emotional feelings network of sites by clicking above & read the options on the homepage for the networks index of sites. Try to be specific when looking for an emotion or feeling word & click on the site you need!
 
It's very simple & very interesting to follow your way thru the layers of your buried or stuffed emotions & feelings that have accumulated throughout the years!
 
when you've reached this point, or this website, you know you're making progress!!!! this part gets difficult because now is the time to look within & become emotionally honest with yourself!!!
 
Best of luck & if you're still stuck, send me an e-mail anytime, by clicking here & I'll be glad to send you an immediate personal response!
 
Sincerely,
Kathleen

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What is detachment?

Detachment is the:

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What are the negative effects not detaching?

If you're unable to detach from people, places, or things, then you:

·       Will have people, places, or things which become over-dependent on you.

·       Run the risk of being manipulated to do things for people, at places, or with things, which you don't really want to do.

·       Can become an obsessive "fix it'' who needs to fix everything you perceive to be imperfect.

·       Run the risk of performing tasks because of the intimidation you experience from people, places, or things.

·       Will most probably become powerless in the face of the demands of the people, places, or things whom you have given the power to control you.

·       Will be blind to the reality that the people, places, or things which control you are the uncontrollables & unchangeables you need to let go of if you are to become a fully healthy, coping individual.

·       Will be easily influenced by the perception of helplessness which these people, places, or things project.

·       Might become caught up with your idealistic need to make everything perfect for people, places, or things important to you even if it means your own life becomes unhealthy.

·       Run the risk of becoming out of control of yourself & experience greater low self-esteem as a result.

·       Will most probably put off making a decision & following thru on it, if you rationally recognize your relationship with a person, place, or thing is unhealthy & the only recourse left is to get out of the relationship.

·       Will be so driven by guilt & emotional dependence that the sickness in the relationship will worsen.

  • Run the risk of losing your autonomy & independence & derive your value or worth solely from the unhealthy relationship you continue in with the unhealthy person, place, or thing.

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How is detachment a control issue?

Detachment is a control issue because:

  • It's a way of de-powering the external "locus of control" issues in your life & a way to strengthen your internal "locus of control."

  • If you aren't able to detach emotionally or physically from a person, place, or thing, then you're either profoundly under its control or it's under your control.

  • The ability to "keep distance" emotionally or physically requires self-control & the inability to do so is a sign that you're "out of control."

  • If you aren't able to detach from another person, place, or thing, you might be powerless over this behavior which is beyond your personal control.

  • You might be mesmerized, brainwashed, or psychically in a trance when you're in the presence of someone from whom you can't detach.

  • You might feel intimidated or coerced to stay deeply attached with someone for fear of great harm to yourself or that person if you don't remain so deeply involved.

  • You might be an addicted "caretaker," "fixer," or "rescuer" who can't "let go" of a person, place or thing you believe can't care for itself.
  • You might be so manipulated by another's con, "helplessness,'' overdependency, or "hooks'' that you can't leave them to solve their own problems.

  • If you don't detach from people, places, or things, you could be so busy trying to "control'' them that you completely divert your attention from yourself & your own needs.

  • By being "selfless'' & "centered'' on other people, you're really a controller trying to "fix'' them to meet the image of your "ideal'' for them.

  • Although you'll still have feelings for those persons, places & things from which you've become detached, you'll have given them the "freedom'' to become what they'll be on their own merit, power, control & responsibility.

  • It allows every person, place, or thing with which you become involved to feel the sense of personal responsibility to become a unique, independent & autonomous being with no fear of retribution or rebuke if they don't please you by what they become.

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What irrational thinking leads to an inability to detach?

·         If you should stop being involved, what will they do without you?

·         They need you & that's enough to justify your continued involvement.

·         What if they commit suicide because of your detachment? You must stay involved to avoid this.

·         You would feel so guilty if anything bad should happen to them after you reduced your involvement with them.

·         They're absolutely dependent on you at this point & to back off now would be a crime.

·         You need them as much as they need you.

·         You can't control yourself because everyday you promise yourself "today is the day'' you'll detach your feelings but you feel driven to them & their needs.

·         They have so many problems, they need you.

·         Being detached seems so cold & aloof. You can't be that way when you love & care for a person. It's either 100% all the way or no way at all.

·         If you should let go of this relationship too soon, the other might change to be like the fantasy or dream you want them to be.

·         How can being detached from them help them? It seems like you should do more to help them.

·         Detachment sounds so final. It sounds so distant & non-reachable. You could never allow yourself to have a relationship where there's so much emotional distance between you & others. It seems so unnatural.

·         You never want anybody in a relationship to be emotionally detached from you so why would you think it a good thing to do for others?

·         The family that plays together stays together. It's all for one & one for all. Never do anything without including the significant others in your life.

·         If one hurts in the system, we all hurt. You don't have a good relationship with others unless you share in their pain, hurt, suffering, problems & troubles.

·         When they're in "trouble'' how can you ignore their "pleas'' for help? It seems cruel & inhuman.

·         When you see people in trouble, confused & hurting, you must always get involved & try to help them solve the problems.

·         When you meet people who are "helpless,'' you must step in to give them assistance, advice, support & direction.

·         You should never question the costs, be they material, emotional, or physical, when another is in dire need of help.

·         You'd rather forgo all the pleasures of this world in order to assist others to be happy & successful.

·         You can never "give too much'' when it comes to providing emotional support, comforting & care of those whom you love & cherish.

·         No matter how badly your loved ones hurt & abuse you, you must always be forgiving & continue to extend your hand in help & support.

  • Tough love is a cruel, inhuman & anti-loving philosophy of dealing with the troubled people in our lives & you should instead love them more when they're in trouble since "love'' is the answer to all problems.

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How to develop detachment

In order to become detached from a person, place, or thing you need to:

First: Establish emotional boundaries between you & the person, place, or thing with whom you've become overly enmeshed or dependent on.

 

Second: Take back power over your feelings from persons, places, or things which in the past you have given power to affect your emotional well-being.  

 

Third: "Hand over'' to your Higher Power the persons, places & things which you'd like to see changed but which you can't change on your own.  

 

Fourth: Make a commitment to your personal recovery & self-health by admitting to yourself & your Higher Power that there's only one person you can change & that's yourself & that for your serenity you need to let go of the "need'' to fix, change, rescue, or heal other persons, places & things.  

 

Fifth: Recognize that it's "sick'' & "unhealthy'' to believe that you have the power or control enough to fix, correct, change, heal, or rescue another person, place, or thing if they don't want to get better nor see a need to change.  

 

Sixth: Recognize that you need to be healthy yourself & be "squeaky clean'' & a "role model'' of health in order for another to recognize that there's something "wrong'' with them that needs changing.  

 

Seventh: Continue to own your feelings as your responsibility & not blame others for the way yo