The new infidelity

By KAREN S. PETERSON
GANNETT NEWS SERVICE

Cybersex & so-called virtual affairs on the Internet are all the buzz among professionals who study spouses who stray.

But the truly fertile ground for dangerous emotional attachments outside marriages is much more conventional: the workplace. As more employees labor longer hours together, close friendships increasingly are taken for granted. And as more women move into professions once dominated by men, there are greater temptations for both sexes.

There is a new "crisis of infidelity" breeding in the workplace, says Baltimore psychologist & marital researcher Shirley Glass. Often it doesn't involve sexual thrill seekers, but "good" people, peers who are in good marriages.

"The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they've crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love," Glass says.

Glass' 25 years of research on "extramarital attachments" adds to a growing understanding of just what constitutes infidelity & why it happens.

She believes affairs don't have to include sex. "In the new infidelity, affairs don't have to be sexual. Sometimes the greatest betrayals happen w/out touching. Infidelity is any emotional or sexual intimacy that violates trust."

This revised concept of an affair is embraced by increasing numbers of Glass' colleagues. People are "incredibly devastated by their partner's emotional affair," says Peggy Vaughan, who has researched infidelity for 20 years. "They separate over it, divorce over it, this breaking of a trust, a bond." The third edition of Vaughan's "The Monogamy Myth" will be released this month.

A platonic friendship, such as those that grow at work, edges into an emotional affair when 3 elements are present, Glass says:

Emotional intimacy. Transgressors share more of their "inner self, frustrations & triumphs than w/their spouses. They're on a slippery slope when they begin sharing the dissatisfaction with their marriage w/a co-worker."

Secrecy & deception. "They neglect to say, 'We meet every morning for coffee.' Once the lying starts, the intimacy shifts farther away from the marriage."

Sexual chemistry. Even though the two may not act on the chemistry, there's at least an unacknowledged sexual attraction.

Glass sums up her research & that of others in "Not 'Just Friends': Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal" (Free Press, $24), now arriving in bookstores.

"This is the essence of the new crisis of infidelity: friendships, work relationships & Internet liaisons have become the latest threat to marriages," Glass says.

Affairs that take place in chat rooms on the Internet are classic examples of emotional infidelity.

How many have affairs, either emotional or sexual, is difficult to gauge. After reviewing 25 studies, Glass believes 25% of wives & 44% of husbands have had extramarital intercourse.

About 2/3 of the 350 couples she has treated include one or both partners who have had some type of intense affair, sexual or emotional. The most threatening to marriages combine both, she says. 62% of the unfaithful men & 46% of the women met their illicit partner thru work.

Researchers identify many factors contributing to infidelity. Proximity at the office is key for Glass. "My research & the research of others point to opportunity as a primary factor. ... Attractions are a fact of life when men & women work side by side."

Many other risk factors may be in play. They include:

Family patterns. Unfaithful parents tend to produce sons, who betray their wives & daughters who either accept affairs as normal or are unfaithful themselves, Glass says.

Bio-chemical cravings. Changes in brain chemicals during an affair can create a "high that becomes almost addictive," says Atlanta psychiatrist Frank Pittman, author of "Private Lies: Infidelity & the Betrayal of Intimacy".

Bonnie Eaker-Weil, author of "Adultery, the Forgivable Sin", says the biological need for connection can result from "severe stress, loss or separation" that often can be traced back to childhood.

Internet temptations. Increasing numbers of cyberaffairs are breaking up stable marriages, says psychologist Kimberly Young, author of "Tangled in the Web: Understanding Cybersex From Fantasy to Addiction." She cites the anonymity & convenience of the Internet, as well as the escape it provides from the stresses of everyday life.

Increasing premarital sex. The more premarital sexual activity, the greater the chance of an extramarital affair, Glass says. "Because girls are more sexually active at younger ages than they used to be, married women aren't nearly as inhibited about crossing the line."

Child-centered marriages. Parents with dual careers & limited time "often collude to give what time they have to the children. Their bond is built on co-parenting & they don't make time for themselves," Glass says. Stereotypically, the husband finds somebody at work to share his adult interests.

Some affairs happen, Glass says, "because people have certain beliefs they think will protect them. They believe if they love their spouse & have a good marriage, they don't have to worry. They don't exert the caution that might be necessary or create the boundaries to make their marriages safe."