Technology & the Unfaithful Spouse

ABC News

Dec. 17, 2004 - It's the age-old game of "cat & mouse" - cheating spouses. These days infidelity is even the stuff of reality TV. But you don't need a camera crew & private detectives to catch a cheating lover. These days all you need is a little software.

Peta & James Rhinehart say they're soul mates. They fell in love at first sight & married 4 years ago. It all seemed perfect, until James began to spend longer hours at work. Peta developed a nagging feeling he was up to something.

In fact, James was having an affair but not with a co-worker. After he & Peta returned from a vacation with another couple, the other husband came to Peta with shocking news: His wife & James were having an affair.

Thru the EBlaster report, Peta learned her husband & his lover were talking about having sex even while they were all on vacation together. "It was devastating," she told "20/20."

James initially denied the affair, but admitted to it after the other woman confessed. The unfaithful couple had no idea how they were discovered.

To reassure herself the affair was over; Peta installed the same spyware on the computer she & James shared. To her horror, she found out he was having multiple affairs.

"I felt like a deer in the headlights," James said. "I knew it was wrong. But I couldn't come out & say that she was correct."

Peta felt betrayed in the worst way. "I threw things. I yelled, I screamed, I cried. I threatened, cajoled," she said.

Rebuilding Broken Trust

Snooping wreaked havoc in Peta & James' marriage, too. Trust had broken down - on both sides.

James didn't like being spied on, but does he think the software is a good idea? "No. And yes," he said.

"From a personal perspective, no, I don't. I don't like it, because I was busted. But a positive has come out of that," James said.

That rather remarkable positive is that neither Peta nor James wanted to end the marriage.

Relationship experts say that's a healthy sign because facing the truth can help salvage a relationship.

Helping wives deal with a husband who's into pornography

by Leslie (twvls@uswest.net)

A Woman of Strength (written by a woman whose husband struggles with pornography.)

A woman who knows who she is... who she is in Christ - a joint heir with Him, a daughter of the King, carved in His palm, secure in her salvation & her place in her Father's Kingdom. She knows fully what her rights are; she can stand on her own two feet & knows she is capable of whatever she puts her mind to: She stands "eye-to eye" with her husband in total equality & worth as a human. She is aware of her husband's strengths - & even more so (like a woman) she is aware of his weaknesses.

And with the knowledge of just what she is doing, she looks him in the eye & makes the decision to not only love him - but to put him & his needs ahead of her own. In this knowledge of what she is doing, she knows it will require sacrifice & that it'll be hard to carry out at times. But she has it within her to give as one who is strong & sure would do.

This woman knows a love greater than any she could ever come up with & grounded in love Himself, she can give herself to another knowing she loses none of herself in the process. No weakness in her husband will ever have greater power over her than the power of God's love within her & in Him she can stand by her husband's side, for better or worse, sickness & health . . . till death do they part.

No doormat this woman - & yet some would call her weak.

They have no clue.

This if from a woman whose husband came to her & confessed of his addiction to pornography.

"My husband was the little Christian boy whose next door neighbor gave him magazines. Those images have never left his mind & probably never will. That little boy grew into a man who clung to Paul's words in Romans, "I do the very thing I hate!"

I knew this before we married. but we thought the marriage would dissolve the battle he fought. When it didn't, a year & a half into our marriage, he confessed to me his hidden struggle. Our trust was torn in two. I felt as though I had been cheated on & the wound ran deeper than any pain I'd known.

He feared me leaving him. I didn't ... I immediately "forgave" & pushed it aside ... I bottled it up for a year. We did have some immediate counseling. I didn't tell anyone. He felt better because it was in the open & now he had me to hold him accountable & a pastor & a friend or two & his father.

IT HURTS SO BAD, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO???

Dealing with the emotions, the hurt & the bitterness of a husband's weakness.

Trying to understand the problem.

It almost always has its roots in the past of this man. It was a problem before they were married. Ladies think of your boys. Think of your husband as a boy or a teenager. Their innocence is shattered. These images imprinted on their minds - pictures are so hard to get out of our thoughts once in. Knowing that these could snare him into bondage right on thru his life & into his marriage. Your heart would break for him. Who would your anger burn at? Who was it who lay in wait to do this?

How do they become so hooked?

At first it's that natural drive... raging hormones in a young man, "the need to look" & the easy access to it, etc. When they do, there's an adrenaline rush & the pleasurable, physical response - these things can become hard to fight. Without knowing it, a man can begin a habit of turning to pornography for comfort - bad family relationships, disappointments, rejection, stress, etc. A physical satisfaction & release eases the tension or stress for the moment. The desire becomes a response not just to a physical need, but now to an emotional one.

I tried to think what it might be for a woman ... maybe chocolate or food? Some women say they crave it due to hormones during pms times. The first time you start eating good foods, you like them. But if they become

comfort foods that are eaten to make you feel better in response to stress, loneliness, disappointment, etc. then they become an addiction to stress triggers & not just the physical desire of hunger. It becomes a stronghold that is so difficult to break free from. The draw can start pulling before you're even even aware what triggered it. " I never learned how to deal with feelings, so I would use pornography to help me control them."

Understand this: We have hope he'll be set free & he isn't beyond God's ability to be set free - but the hook has been set. The images are in his brain & the reality is, the potential for his falling into temptation again is probable. This is something we must live with. But we don't need to become a victim of his weakness, nor a casualty of the attacks.

Don't try to understand it from a woman's point of view. Sex for women is wrapped up in relationship ... emotional security, vulnerability - we give our hearts when we give our bodies.

Men are wired differently. They have the ability to completely separate the act from the relationship. It's hard for us to understand this & so their actions hurt us so deeply. For this same reason, a man could have a hard time understanding the depth of his wife's pain & rejection over this. They don't understand why we have such a problem with it. 

Dealing with the emotions

Deep hurt / rejection / betrayal & false guilt.

There are 10 things the wife should know first & foremost: (This is what I've heard over & over from men.)

·         She isn't the source of the problem.

·         She isn't responsible for his behavior.

·         She has done nothing to cause him to go to pornography.

·         She isn't the source of the problem.

·         She isn't responsible for his behavior.

·         She has done nothing to cause him to go to pornography.

·         She isn't the source of the problem.

·         She isn't responsible for his behavior.

·         She has done nothing to cause him to go to pornography.

(repeat the above as necessary)

I understand why a man would say this. The problem existed in his life before she did, so she isn't the one who has caused it. I believe this is true. But if this is true, why then does it hurt us so bad, so deep, if he's doing it not to me, but to himself...

Mark 10:7-8 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.'

They're no longer two, but one.

1 Corinthians 6:18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.

We are made one with our husbands, one flesh. But we are the flesh that is hurt so deeply by his actions. He doesn't feel it as deeply in his own flesh, as we feel it deep within us - we are one.

It hurts. It hurts. And it can become even worse if a woman tries to tell her husband how much it hurts & he dismisses her feelings by telling her it isn't her fault. That doesn't change how she feels. She wants him to know how it hurts. She wants him to know the pain so he will stop. That is hard to make happen, ladies - but God knows. He knows the hurt & He is there for you.

False guilt (This also is from a man.)

" I can't stress enough that the one person who is responsible for the husband engaging in sinful sexual behavior - regardless of whether that behavior is fantasy, pornography, affairs, or some more offensive behavior - is the husband himself. As an addict, I blamed everyone but myself for my behaviors:

"If my wife were more ___<whatever>___, I'd keep my interests at home."

"If my job were less stressful..."

"If my church..."

"If my friends..."

"If I hadn't been molested..."

"I've been working so hard, I deserve a reward."

"The wife often gets the brunt of this. She thinks "My husband should come to me for his sexual enjoyment. Since he's not coming to me, there must be something wrong with me." But she is not the cause. He may use her as an excuse, but she has no responsibility for the choices he makes. As an adult, he is fully responsible for his own choices."

A wife is called by God to love her husband & it's very important to the marriage that she do so. Unfortunately many marriages have intimacy problems. There are misconceptions fostered by the media, past sins or abuses in the lives of one spouse &/or the other & just a general lack of understanding of sex, the differences between men & women in the bedroom, etc.

While intimacy between a husband & wife might be lacking, this doesn't create an excuse for the man to turn to pornography. And although a wife may have lacked in meeting her husband's needs in this area, it doesn't make her accountable for her husband's sin. She isn't guilty for causing him to do what he does. He makes his own choice - yet unfortunately the consequences are shared.

Resentment / bitterness / disgust & even revenge.

If he doesn't understand, if she can't forgive ... these may lead to resentment, bitterness or disgust in a wife's heart.

Maybe she tries to be there for him, to be available so he won't need the pornography. Maybe it seems things are getting better ... If she then she finds later the pornography is still there, she'll be devastated.

Maybe the man has apologized, asked forgiveness & promised not to do it again. Things get better. A "honeymoon" period might follow, including intense lovemaking ... this can be taken by a wife that everything is really all right & then she's shattered when it begins again. She has given herself & now is rejected once more. She has made herself even more vulnerable than before & has been hurt even more deeply.

She may feel disgust at his inability to control himself. She may be overwhelmed at the hopelessness of her inability to meet her husband's needs. It's devastating to a woman to feel this way. The utter rejection she feels causes her to seek some way to protect herself & she does by holding him in contempt. Now she feels she has a right to be bitter, hurt & resentful. He doesn't deserve respect in her eyes.

Now she has become a casualty of the enemy's attack on her husband & marriage. She has become a victim & has herself become snared by the enemy in bitterness, resentment & unforgiveness. He has driven a wedge in the marriage & has removed the one person who should be standing by this man's side in the battle.

Help:

You can't do this without Jesus. He alone can heal your heart & give you the love & strength you'll need to stand by your husband against the enemy. No man can promise never to hurt you, but Jesus can. Release the hurt, rejection, anger & bitterness, to Him & know that He cares for you & will remain faithful to you forever - only He can deliver this promise to you.

Pray for your family. Pray for your husband. The attack is great in our country today against our men & our sons. Pray for yourself & remain strong in the grace & love with which God loves you & has shown you thru Jesus. You will always need to remain strong in this, just in case he falls again.

Shame isn't part of the healing process. If your husband knows you know... look him in the eye & tell him often you love him, but don't continually throw it in his face, bringing it up in arguments & condemning him for it. Shaming him will not strengthen him in his weakness & it'll cause you to fall back into contempt or bitterness.

You can share with him how you feel, using "I" statements & avoiding the use of the word "you." Rather than "You really hurt me when you use that garbage" you might say "I feel like I'm competing with the women in those magazines & I'm really hurt that you would bring another woman into our home." He may not understand your feelings. He may even tell you that you're wrong for feeling that way, but by sharing how "you" feel you'll have a better chance of communicating it to him if he's not on the defensive.

If he wants your help:
If he wants to talk about it, try, try, try not to be defensive, or accusational. If you still can't bear it, if it still hurts too much, listen as long as you can & tell him it's still hard. You need him, too. Ask him to hold you. As you're able, listen & try to understand him & ask how you might help him. Some men may want their wives to help hold them accountable by asking how they're doing. Find out how often he wants you to ask & then do so. Be prepared if he doesn't say what you hope. If this is too hard for you, tell him & ask him if he has someone else he can turn to.

Your husband may not want this kind of help from you. Don't force it if that is the case. Love the man & stand by him & pray.

Oh, this may be the hard one. Meet his needs!
Not just behind the bedroom door, but be the companion who helps him thru life. Make his home a good place to be. A place that is a refuge from the world where the people in it love him. Be his friend - enjoy him. Do things with him. Be his sweetheart - flirt with him, hold his hand, sit by him & touch him throughout the day, patting his shoulder, giving him a hug. And his lover.

Know him. Do you know what triggers stress, frustration, boredom, etc. for him? Can you tell when pressure is getting to him? Can you tell what may trigger it before it actually does? Is there anything you can do to help alleviate it?

Be available for lovemaking.
Have a "signal" for when he might be feeling stressed or "in the mood" ...lovemaking may help a lot. It will renew & strengthen his affection for you, it releases stress & promotes a sense of well-being. Some couples have a candle in their room which a spouse may light as a sign of desire. Remember that this is a part of being one, needing each other & loving each other. If this is hard, begin by thinking of things you like about him - his good qualities.

Even if you can only come up with one at the moment, it'll do - you'll come up with more. This is the man you love. This is the man who needs you, your unconditional love. Respond to him & return to the place where you enjoy him as well as him enjoying you. It'll strengthen you & your husband.

These kinds of things can help strengthen him & lessen the power of the temptation. It isn't a guarantee & it isn't your fault if he chooses to give in, but you need to stand by his side & help where it's possible.

If this is an area that is hard for you, then seek some additional information. Dr. Ed Wheat's book, Intended for Pleasure is a good, informative book on marital intimacy. (It may seem dry at times, but it's sound & loaded with good advice!) Another book that is very good is Intimate Issues - it deals with many issues women deal with in the bedroom.

Communication is important for you both. Let him talk & really listen. Don't get defensive or critical - I know, it's hard. Listen & then you communicate with him. Ask what he likes, tell him what you like. Did you know men are like light bulbs? You flip the switch & they're turned on. Women are like irons - you plug them in & then you wait & wait. Let him in on this, too. These days men & women think women are ready at the drop of their hat! Oh, no.....

One last thought on this ... one man I spoke with mentioned his frustration with how unfair it seemed to him that he should be expected to fulfill his duty to the family, no matter how he felt that day & yet his wife shouldn't be expected to make love is she didn't feel like it. He needed her, yet she didn't have to be there for him - & he didn't have such freedom to walk away from her needs. I think he has a point that deserves some serious consideration.

Extra point:
Understand most men today have a totally wrong picture of how a man & wife are in the bedroom. The media has portrayed the woman as the one who is so hungry & aggressive. She's the one who is thrashing in passion. If they aren't seeing this in their bed it may lead him to think there's something wrong with him or you. This can mean frustration for both of you. Try to help him see & understand that this is a false picture of what women are like & they shouldn't feel pressured or feel like there's something wrong with either of you.

Lovemaking for women is about the whole relationship, not just the physical part. Communication in this area will help strengthen you both. Men & women are so different & intimacy is enhanced the more you know about your spouse.

Is there hope? Yes.

The following excerpts are from women who know God's healing & strengthening power. They love their husbands & have become ally in this fight.

"My husband isn't my enemy. His sinful actions reaped some grave & painful consequences. We can't take it back, as much as we'd like to. I was so hurt & angry ... but angry at the wrong person. My husband isn't exempt from his sin, but my forgiveness of him means I need to move past this place. My bitterness very easily could have closed his heart to me & mine to him. Although his eyes had wandered; his heart hadn't. I know this now.

There's a very real responsibility on my part. My husband was repentant. But what if he wasn't? Does that change my responsibility? Does that give me the right to bitterness? His sin may hurt me terribly, but how much the same does my sin hurt God?

Look at the sins listed together in the NT...adulterers & bitterness. All pain God's heart. My bitterness was no worse than his lust. All deserved Hell. All needed forgiveness. So...I needed (need) to be right with my God. I needed my own dose of repentance & forgiveness.

Even though I thought I had deserved the right to be bitter. So the issue really wasn't how much sex we were or weren't having. He wouldn't harden his heart because of sex. But he would harden his heart to me because of my bitterness against him, my lack of love & forgiveness.

It no longer hurts, nor does the idea that images may come into his mind when he is with me, bother me. I know he loves me & that I have his heart. I can love him from my heart with no fear or resentment. In fact, it has become an even more intense & real love because it has the power Jesus' love behind it.

I have learned so much of His love for me thru this. A love that can look at another without denial or fear of that one's weaknesses or sins is the most powerful love of all. Neither sin nor the enemy can touch it. It can't be exploited by the enemy in me. He has lost this battle for my heart & I stand firm in the Spirit & in love, at the side of my husband.

Closing:

Ladies, the love of Jesus is the love that conquered sin. It's the power of God in your life & in your husband's. It'll be your strength, it will be where you get the ability to forgive your husband & the ability to love him in the very midst of weakness. Jesus has done no less for you.

The following is a letter sent to a woman full of anger & hurt at her husband's refusing to admit to his involvement in pornography after she had found it. She was given sympathy & encouragement to have him leave their home. No one had encouraged her to forgive him & become his ally.

"Dear hurting, the words I'll offer are the hard ones, but they are the ones I believe to be right. I don't find tough love in the Word when it comes to marriage ... unless that it's sometimes tough for the one who must do the loving. What does it mean to love the unlovely? The unlovely are the ones that we look at & our heart wants to recoil - we've been hurt & what we see or feel is to much for us & yet we're called to love.

Your husband knows you know. What is it that you want from him? Acknowledgment? I would to. Repentance? Yes, I would to. An apology for the hurt & rejection ... Yes, but how much meaning would it have if he couldn't promise to not do it again?

He may have tried to quit. He may very well feel like the scum of the earth & if he does & has tried to quit then he feels lower than that.... especially since he knows the hurt it has caused. He knows you want him to admit it & turn from it ... but what if he just doesn't think he can promise you that?

The past few years I've been involved in a women's Bible study & have had lots of women talk to me as a result. I can tell you this stronghold of the enemy is much more widespread than most of us think. The attack is devious - It snares our sons when they're to naive to know the full danger.

It hits our men where they're so vulnerable & even one image can be replayed over & over to continue the pull to the snare. They're then caught in a net of self loathing, failure & despair. It hits the wife where she is vulnerable - crumbling her security & acceptance, her sense of desirability, all of which is so hard to surrender to a man in the first place ... & then to seemingly be rejected for such trash is overwhelming.

It hits the intimacy of marriage. The place where a man & wife share their very being with one another. And the enemy sits back, eyes narrowed, with a smirk & contemptuously laughs. He destroys the inner life of the man, the woman, their marriage & even the women whose images cause the pain in the first place.

Who is it who really deserves the blame, the anger & the wrath? Who is the battle against? Satan is utterly corrupt & contemptible & our society has nearly placed the men of our nation is his hand. Where are they not given the temptation?

And on top of it, due to more of the enemy's twisted delights, women come into marriage with hurts from abuse, baggage from earlier relationships, or self-image problems, all of which will affect the intimacy that should be so special & help provide a protection to the marriage.

You're wanting things from your husband he can't possibly give you. Oh, dear sister, so much do you belong in the arms of your Lord. He Who loves you more, Who will never reject you, Who never takes His eyes off you & Whose heart knows nothing but joyous love for you. He alone can give you the love you need, He alone can heal your heart & He alone can give you the promise never to hurt you.

What your husband needs is his wife, at his side, in the spirit in the face of the enemy, telling that enemy you'll stand & stay & he'll not take your marriage. He will not take your children's father away from them. This isn't enabling. This isn't being a doormat for husband to walk all over.

This can only be done from a position of strength in Christ. It's a strong woman who will not become a casualty of the enemy's assault on her family. It's a strong woman who knows where to get love to give.

Can you see in your husband what could be in Jesus? Can you look in his eyes & see this? Can you look in his eyes & know the love & forgiveness God has for him? (Just as God has for you?) Can you look in his eyes & tell him you love him? And can you walk in this love for this man, whom God has given you to love? Jesus has done no less than this for each of us ...

I can't promise you that this will change him. But nothing *you* can do, will. Go to Jesus for your strength & love & seek His Word & wise counsel for what *you* should be doing. In this He will uphold you with His mighty hand & in the midst of this turmoil you will know His peace.