Technology & the Unfaithful Spouse

ABC News

Dec. 17, 2004 - It's the age-old game of "cat & mouse" - cheating spouses. These days infidelity is even the stuff of reality TV. But you don't need a camera crew & private detectives to catch a cheating lover. These days all you need is a little software.

Peta & James Rhinehart say they're soul mates. They fell in love at first sight & married 4 years ago. It all seemed perfect, until James began to spend longer hours at work. Peta developed a nagging feeling he was up to something.

In fact, James was having an affair but not with a co-worker. After he & Peta returned from a vacation with another couple, the other husband came to Peta with shocking news: His wife & James were having an affair.

Thru the EBlaster report, Peta learned her husband & his lover were talking about having sex even while they were all on vacation together. "It was devastating," she told "20/20."

James initially denied the affair, but admitted to it after the other woman confessed. The unfaithful couple had no idea how they were discovered.

To reassure herself the affair was over; Peta installed the same spyware on the computer she & James shared. To her horror, she found out he was having multiple affairs.

"I felt like a deer in the headlights," James said. "I knew it was wrong. But I couldn't come out & say that she was correct."

Peta felt betrayed in the worst way. "I threw things. I yelled, I screamed, I cried. I threatened, cajoled," she said.

Rebuilding Broken Trust

Snooping wreaked havoc in Peta & James' marriage, too. Trust had broken down - on both sides.

James didn't like being spied on, but does he think the software is a good idea? "No. And yes," he said.

"From a personal perspective, no, I don't. I don't like it, because I was busted. But a positive has come out of that," James said.

That rather remarkable positive is that neither Peta nor James wanted to end the marriage.

Relationship experts say that's a healthy sign because facing the truth can help salvage a relationship.

Helping wives deal with a husband who's into pornography

by Leslie (twvls@uswest.net)

A Woman of Strength (written by a woman whose husband struggles with pornography.)

A woman who knows who she is... who she is in Christ - a joint heir with Him, a daughter of the King, carved in His palm, secure in her salvation & her place in her Father's Kingdom. She knows fully what her rights are; she can stand on her own two feet & knows she is capable of whatever she puts her mind to: She stands "eye-to eye" with her husband in total equality & worth as a human. She is aware of her husband's strengths - & even more so (like a woman) she is aware of his weaknesses.

And with the knowledge of just what she is doing, she looks him in the eye & makes the decision to not only love him - but to put him & his needs ahead of her own. In this knowledge of what she is doing, she knows it will require sacrifice & that it'll be hard to carry out at times. But she has it within her to give as one who is strong & sure would do.

This woman knows a love greater than any she could ever come up with & grounded in love Himself, she can give herself to another knowing she loses none of herself in the process. No weakness in her husband will ever have greater power over her than the power of God's love within her & in Him she can stand by her husband's side, for better or worse, sickness & health . . . till death do they part.

No doormat this woman - & yet some would call her weak.

They have no clue.

This if from a woman whose husband came to her & confessed of his addiction to pornography.

"My husband was the little Christian boy whose next door neighbor gave him magazines. Those images have never left his mind & probably never will. That little boy grew into a man who clung to Paul's words in Romans, "I do the very thing I hate!"

I knew this before we married. but we thought the marriage would dissolve the battle he fought. When it didn't, a year & a half into our marriage, he confessed to me his hidden struggle. Our trust was torn in two. I felt as though I had been cheated on & the wound ran deeper than any pain I'd known.

He feared me leaving him. I didn't ... I immediately "forgave" & pushed it aside ... I bottled it up for a year. We did have some immediate counseling. I didn't tell anyone. He felt better because it was in the open & now he had me to hold him accountable & a pastor & a friend or two & his father.

IT HURTS SO BAD, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO???

Dealing with the emotions, the hurt & the bitterness of a husband's weakness.

Trying to understand the problem.

It almost always has its roots in the past of this man. It was a problem before they were married. Ladies think of your boys. Think of your husband as a boy or a teenager. Their innocence is shattered. These images imprinted on their minds - pictures are so hard to get out of our thoughts once in. Knowing that these could snare him into bondage right on thru his life & into his marriage. Your heart would break for him. Who would your anger burn at? Who was it who lay in wait to do this?

How do they become so hooked?

At first it's that natural drive... raging hormones in a young man, "the need to look" & the easy access to it, etc. When they do, there's an adrenaline rush & the pleasurable, physical response - these things can become hard to fight. Without knowing it, a man can begin a habit of turning to pornography for comfort - bad family relationships, disappointments, rejection, stress, etc. A physical satisfaction & release eases the tension or stress for the moment. The desire becomes a response not just to a physical need, but now to an emotional one.

I tried to think what it might be for a woman ... maybe chocolate or food? Some women say they crave it due to hormones during pms times. The first time you start eating good foods, you like them. But if they become

comfort foods that are eaten to make you feel better in response to stress, loneliness, disappointment, etc. then they become an addiction to stress triggers & not just the physical desire of hunger. It becomes a stronghold that is so difficult to break free from. The draw can start pulling before you're even even aware what triggered it. " I never learned how to deal with feelings, so I would use pornography to help me control them."

Understand this: We have hope he'll be set free & he isn't beyond God's ability to be set free - but the hook has been set. The images are in his brain & the reality is, the potential for his falling into temptation again is probable. This is something we must live with. But we don't need to become a victim of his weakness, nor a casualty of the attacks.

Don't try to understand it from a woman's point of view. Sex for women is wrapped up in relationship ... emotional security, vulnerability - we give our hearts when we give our bodies.

Men are wired differently. They have the ability to completely separate the act from the relationship. It's hard for us to understand this & so their actions hurt us so deeply. For this same reason, a man could have a hard time understanding the depth of his wife's pain & rejection over this. They don't understand why we have such a problem with it. 

Dealing with the emotions

Deep hurt / rejection / betrayal & false guilt.

There are 10 things the wife should know first & foremost: (This is what I've heard over & over from men.)

·         She isn't the source of the problem.

·         She isn't responsible for his behavior.

·         She has done nothing to cause him to go to pornography.

·         She isn't the source of the problem.

·         She isn't responsible for his behavior.

·         She has done nothing to cause him to go to pornography.

·         She isn't the source of the problem.

·         She isn't responsible for his behavior.

·         She has done nothing to cause him to go to pornography.

(repeat the above as necessary)

I understand why a man would say this. The problem existed in his life before she did, so she isn't the one who has caused it. I believe this is true. But if this is true, why then does it hurt us so bad, so deep, if he's doing it not to me, but to himself...

Mark 10:7-8 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.'

They're no longer two, but one.

1 Corinthians 6:18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.

We are made one with our husbands, one flesh. But we are the flesh that is hurt so deeply by his actions. He doesn't feel it as deeply in his own flesh, as we feel it deep within us - we are one.

It hurts. It hurts. And it can become even worse if a woman tries to tell her husband how much it hurts & he dismisses her feelings by telling her it isn't her fault. That doesn't change how she feels. She wants him to know how it hurts. She wants him to know the pain so he will stop. That is hard to make happen, ladies - but God knows. He knows the hurt & He is there for you.

False guilt (This also is from a man.)

" I can't stress enough that the one person who is responsible for the husband engaging in sinful sexual behavior - regardless of whether that behavior is fantasy, pornography, affairs, or some more offensive behavior - is the husband himself. As an addict, I blamed everyone but myself for my behaviors:

"If my wife were more ___<whatever>___, I'd keep my interests at home."

"If my job were less stressful..."

"If my church..."

"If my friends..."

"If I hadn't been molested..."

"I've been working so hard, I deserve a reward."

"The wife often gets the brunt of this. She thinks "My husband should come to me for his sexual enjoyment. Since he's not coming to me, there must be something wrong with me." But she is not the cause. He may use her as an excuse, but she has no responsibility for the choices he makes. As an adult, he is fully responsible for his own choices."

A wife is called by God to love her husband & it's very important to the marriage that she do so. Unfortunately many marriages have intimacy problems. There are misconceptions fostered by the media, past sins or abuses in the lives of one spouse &/or the other & just a general lack of understanding of sex, the differences between men & women in the bedroom, etc.

While intimacy between a husband & wife might be lacking, this doesn't create an excuse for the man to turn to pornography. And although a wife may have lacked in meeting her husband's needs in this area, it doesn't make her accountable for her husband's sin. She isn't guilty for causing him to do what he does. He makes his own choice - yet unfortunately the consequences are shared.

Resentment / bitterness / disgust & even revenge.

If he doesn't understand, if she can't forgive ... these may lead to resentment, bitterness or disgust in a wife's heart.

Maybe she tries to be there for him, to be available so he won't