discouragement
by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin
Rabbi Avraham Weinberg of Slonim (1804-1884) told of a general who received a report that the enemy had broken through
his lines of defense. The general was visibly shaken by the message and his facial expression manifested despair. The general's
wife said to him, "I have just received a message worse than yours."
"Please tell me what it is," requested the general.
"Looking at your face, I see that you have given
up hope," replied his wife. "Discouragement is worse than the loss of our lines of defense."
"Similarly," said Rabbi Avraham, "feeling discouraged because of a failure is worse than the failure itself."
Think of instances when you originally thought you'd be unable to do something, but in fact were able to do it, or feared
that something wouldn't work out well, but it worked out better than you thought it would. This can give you a greater sense of encouragement
for the future.
Never give in to feelings of discouragement, since the lowest moments can lead to your greatest
fortune.
Whenever you feel discouraged, realize how great an accomplishment it is to continue
in the face of setbacks & difficulties.
View discouragement as a tool for growth. Anyone can take action when things are going smoothly. It takes
special strength, at times even heroism, to fortify your spirit & keep going when your initial reaction is to give up.
Some people assume that when they
feel discouraged their feelings are "proof," there's no hope.
But feelings only represent a person's state of mind, they can't predict the future.
If
you ever feel discouraged, ask yourself, "Do my present feelings actually prove there is no hope" Of course not. There's never absolute proof that your situation will not improve.
Adopt the attitude:
"It's always possible that
the future will turn out much brighter than it seems now. What constructive actions can I take for improvement?"
When you feel a strong ambition for something, it'll empower you & you will not give up hope. Intensify your
will. Even if you weren't successful until now, you may succeed
next time.
In spiritual matters & character growth it's never too late to change. A person always has the ability to change & to grow. Therefore, always feel a deep sense of hope that you or
someone else can make positive changes.
Appreciate
even the smallest amounts of improvement. If you become angry one time less
than before or with less intensity, that's improvement.
If you speak a little kinder to others, that's improvement. The more pleasure you feel with each drop of improvement, the more likely you'll keep trying
to improve.
Rabbi Moshe of Kobrin
(1784-1858) told his followers that even if they make serious mistakes, they should not be discouraged.
Instead, they should focus on correcting themselves in the future. To illustrate this point, he asked a disciple of his who
grew up on a farm,
"Did you use
to ride on a horse?"
"Yes," replied
the man, "quite frequently.''
"Did it ever
happen that you fell off the horse?"
"Many times,"
the disciple said.
"And what did
you do?"
"I just got back
on and continued riding," was the person's reply.
"This is a model
of how we should react to our mistakes," the Rabbi of Kobrin told his followers. "Never give up.
Regardless of how many times you fall, keep on getting up."
Deal with difficult
life situations one step at a time. Don't view what you have to do as a huge mountain to be ascended in one jump. Divide
tasks into steps small enough to deal with little by little. Focus on the specific task at hand and take pleasure with every small accomplishment.
When you feel discouraged, you are likely to remember past failures and disappointments. This leads to more emotional pain and increases your discouragement. Instead, remember
positive moments.
Even if you can only
remember one time when you felt positive about yourself, or only one time when you manifested confidence or strength, you have a resource that is yours for life.
Calmly recall
the positive feelings you once had and realize that since you have experienced them once, you can continue to experience them in the future.
Dr. Viktor Frankl
recalled his dilemma in a concentration camp during the Second World War when faced with a man and a woman who were close
to suicide; both had told him that they expected nothing more in life. He asked both his fellow prisoners whether the question was really what we expected from life. Was it not, rather, what life was expecting from us? He suggested that life was awaiting something from them.
The person who
feels despair and discouragement is asking the wrong question. He asks what the world is giving him.
As soon as you ask, "What is the good that I can do?" you will always be able to find an answer.
What state would you
like to be in right now? What can you do right now to access the state of your choice? Do it.
What words of encouragement would you like to hear from others right now? Give yourself those words.
Encourage others. You can bring about miracles in people's lives if you sincerely believe in their potential and convey this to them. Right now think of someone whom you can encourage.
Rabbi Zelig Pliskin of Jerusalem is a Personal Development Coach and the author
of 10 books on spiritual and emotional growth, including "Gateway to Happiness" and "Guard Your Tongue." He also writes a
daily email list called "Rabbi Pliskin's Daily Lift," which promises "twice the impact of coffee - and no caffeine."
Discouragement, hopelessness
I'm afraid this will sound simplistic, but when you're
feeling discouraged & hopeless, you could look at it as just a sign that
you need to find some source (or
create one within yourself) of
encouragement & hope.
Maybe a technique would be helpful, like making a list of some
things which are encouraging.
Or forcing yourself to find just one encouraging thing amid your present
feelings of discouragement.
Maybe just find some uplifting books or articles or read a story on what someone is doing
somewhere to help people. There's a huge selection of inspirational books & tapes. Some of them have helped me both during
an immediate down period in my life & also in a longer term sense because I have the memory of some things they said which
helped.
Another option is to seek out some optimistic,
but validating people. Perhaps just tell a friend who knows you well
that you are feeling discouraged & hopeless. Perhaps they'll remind you of some encouraging truths.
I remember a few times I was feeling discouraged & I was able to remember
some encouraging things. And it helps me to know
that I've felt extremely discouraged
& hopeless, even suicidal,
but I have bounced back from those feelings.
And I believe those feelings helped me focus on what was truly
important to me. If nothing else, write to me & say:
I AM FEELING HOPELESS! Or scream it out if you must,
or cry it out - your body or your amygdala is sending you a message.
Let it know that you have received it.
I'm not sure how the process works but it seems that once
the message is fully accepted, validated & understood, it can be integrated by survival forces of the brain which go to work on solving the problem.
Once you have completely accepted that you feel hopeless, you can
begin to take action to feel more
hopeful.
You can search for inspiring websites, books, tapes etc. You
can actively think of people who you admire,
who are contributing to the world in the way you believe is needed.
When you're feeling hopeless,
it can be looked at as a clear sign that you need to feel more hopeful,
(or more optimistic, more encouraged, etc) in order to get back into a healthier state.
I believe our survival instinct itself is a source of hope.
If I truly had no hope,
why would I even bother to eat? As long as your body is feeling hungry, sleepy, etc. I believe there is hope.
As I see it, as long as there's one male & one female
alive on earth, there's hope for the human species. Imagine that the current members of the species have somehow managed to
kill everyone in your gender except you.
Now imagine you have 10 seconds to chose a partner before
all the other members of the opposite sex are killed. Now, 10 seconds later, it is just the two of you. Would you still feel
hopless? Or would you get to work on rebuilding the species?
Home Fires - Discouragement
is weapon that should be kept under lock & key
It's quite unnoticeable
at first as it begins with just one little incident. But it can quickly get bigger, like a wound that is starting to heal
but the process is interrupted & made all the more painful when it's picked at.
This
could be said of the human psyche when it encounters that insidious but most inflicting of feelings
of discouragement.
Discouragement starts out very small, often with a sharp
word, a particular look or that certain tone of voice. Mix this with the daily challenges & depending on the day, the
grind of life, feelings of discouragement take very little to build & grow.
This expansion is aided
& abetted by the careless words & actions of others.
If words were seen as loaded
weapons, we'd rightfully caution people to ‘keep the safety on' for fear of harming themselves as well as others.
Harm to self might be self-evident regarding the carrying of an actual weapon but how is this possible with words?
Words, especially ones said aloud, can hurt us not just the person they're directed toward. A
good example of this are two accompanying scenes in the recent movie, 'You've Got Mail' with the main characters played by
Tom Hanks as ‘Joe' & Meg Ryan as ‘Kathleen'.
Joe, a hugely successful
mega bookstore owner, who because of geography, is putting Kathleen, a small, recently successful children's bookstore owner
out of business, meet over a buffet table at a party. The words fly between them with Joe leaving Kathleen completely speechless
with his rapid-fire verbal put-down of the insignificance of her bookstore & its potential demise.
Yet later, Joe, full of regret & unable to sleep, sits in front of his computer composing an e-mail to an
intimate but unknown friend on the internet (ironically this turns out to be Kathleen). Joe types, 'Do you ever feel you've
become the worse version of yourself? That a Pandora's box of all those secret, hatred parts —"your arrogance, condescension.
. . comes out when feeling provoked. Zing - then hello, it's Mr. Nasty."
Joe's act of discouragement leads to a spiral of personal regret & a more deeply disturbing sense of shame. This harms his sense of who he is & whom he could become – his hope & belief in his future
potential to be better than who he is right now.
Joe's weapon of words not only
inflicted self-harm but also harms Kathleen on more than one level. In her e-mail response to his message, she reflects on
the experience of being put-down. She expresses her sense of loss at being discouraged as feeling no more significant than
a ‘bug to be squished'.
Yet this act of discouragement
does even greater harm, in that she now expresses a desire to be able to master put-downs & seeks advice on how to do
so. She is so misled in her desire to feel stronger since being put-down & discouraged, that she ignores Joe's warning
of the personal dangers of the aftermath of discouraging others - the feelings of tremendous self-loathing. Later in the movie,
Kathleen eventually learns this powerful lesson much to her regret.
Discouragement,
whether it's in the firing or receiving, is a powerful weapon that is better kept out of reach, under lock & key. Hunting
season on people's spirits needs to remain forever closed.
(Kate McGoey-Smith, Dip.
Nrsg., BA, MSW, RSW, PM is a registered clinical social worker offering personal counselling, family and business mediation,
career consulting and organizational training and consulting. You can reach her at 938-1480 or by e-mail at mcgoey@telusplanet.net).
The Integrity of Discouragement & Despair
© 2001 Michele Toomey, PhD
michele@mtoomey.com
July 20, 2000
Heaviness of heart isn't something we long for & the painful feelings of
hopelessness is
something that we dread. Yet, there's a truthful place for both.
There are times that discouragement & despair are the only freeing feelings we have. Anything else is pretense, wishful thinking, or disconnection.
How then can we find solace in them?
How can we feel safe? Both solace & safety can be
found in the integrity of being
intimate with ourselves in our time of suffering & need. We can embrace ourselves & in so doing, embrace discouragement & despair.
This embrace has the potential to warm, to comfort, & to reassure.
"We are safe when we are true."
In this safety we don't have to fear what we're feeling, only be intimate with
it & ourselves. From this intimacy comes
a certain sense of well-being.
As discouraged
or
as depressed as we are, we're at peace. We're
all right. We're at one. There's no enemy here. There's no need to fear or solve. There
is a sacredness in the oneness with ourselves.
There's a gift in being true to what we feel. Tenderly we cradle our discouragement & despair. Rocking ourselves
with care & holding
ourselves with love, we can rest
in our own arms with a sense of
peace.
Once again, allowing negative feelings
to have their rightful place, allows us to reap positive results.
Inside out yields outside in. Yes! We're liberated by being caught. Caught can yield liberation! We're very wise even as we are discouraged. We're lucky! Even as we're unlucky. Figure that out, ye seekers of proof!
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Do It!
Let's
Get Off Our Buts.
John-Roger & Peter McWilliams
Cover Info: "I want a nurturing relationship, but "
"I want a fulfilling career, but "
"I want to be healthier, but "
"I want to be happier, but "
IT'S TIME TO GET OFF OUR BUTS!
When faced with an exciting new opportunity, one that might expand our capabilities
& move us ever-closer to living our dreams, we respond with one of two three-letter words: YES or BUT. (Yes, some have merged them into YES-BUT,
but they really mean BUT.)
When used in a sentence, BUT means:
"Ignore all that good-sounding stuff that came before - here comes the truth."
"Im excited about my new exercise program, but "
"I'm really concerned about the environment, but "
"I know how important it is to love myself, but
"
Getting off our buts sounds very nice, BUT HOW DO WE GET OFF OUR BUTS??? Simple. Just
DO IT! Within each of us is a dream - a heart's desire.
For some, it's a professional or a career goal; for others, it's a relationship or a family. It might be a political or social desire, or it may be a religious or spiritual one.
Unfortunately, many people aren't pursuing their heart's desire. Some are so far away from living their dream that they've forgotten what their dream truly is. The good news is that with every dream comes the time & the
ability to fulfill it.
The bad news? Many people use that time &
ability doing something else - something that often has little or nothing [to] do with their dream.
Why? What's keeping us from fulfilling our
heart's desire? Why aren't we living our dreams? Our comfort zone. Our comfort zone includes all the things we've done often enough to feel comfortable doing. Any behavior outside our comfort zone can result in:
- you know: discomfort.
Alas,
to accomplish something new
requires new behavior, & new behavior by its very definition lies outside the confines of the comfort zone. So, do we
honor our comfort zone, or do we
honor our dream? The choice is ours.
As John Kenneth Galbraith pointed
out, "When faced w/the choice between changing & proving there's no need to do so, most people get busy on the proof." DO IT! is a book for those:
- who want to discover, clearly & precisely their dream
- who choose to pursue that dream, even if it means learning (& - gasp! - practicing) some new behavior
- who wouldnt mind having some fun along the way
- who are willing to expand their comfort zone enough to include their hearts desire - & maybe even a dance floor.
The secret lies in the doing. As Woody Allen said,
"80% of success
is showing up."
And J. Paul Getty agreed:
"Rise early. Work late. Strike oil."
Excerpts:
We all have a dream, a heart's desire. Most have more than one. Some of us have an entire entourage. This is a book about discovering (or rediscovering) those dreams, how to choose which dreams to pursue & practical suggestions
for achieving them.
Many people are so far away from living
their dreams that they have forgotten what their dream truly is. When we feel uncomfortable enough, we tend to feel discouraged (a form of exhaustion) & we return to thoughts, feelings & actions that are more familiar, more practiced, more predictable - more, well, comfortable.
The
irony is that the feelings we've been taught to label uncomfortable are, in fact, among the very tools necessary to fulfill our dreams.
It's your choice. It's always your choice. The trouble is, many
of us have delegated that choice to habits formed long ago - formed when we knew far less about life than we know now. We let habits formed when we were 2 or 4 or 6 or 10 or 15 control our lives today.
The truth is,
pursuing a Big Dream of our own choosing is the same amount of work as gathering more & more of the things we don't really
want. You're going to spend the rest of your life doing something. It might as well be something
you want to do.
We want to make it clear that the reason we aren't
living our dreams right now is inside ourselves.
For the most part, however, we pretend it's people, things &
situations outside ourselves that are to blame. (Not enough money, education, contacts, intelligence, looks, etc., etc.)
In
any given area of life, we have 1 of 2 things:
- reasons or results
- excuses or experiences
- stories or successes
- justifications or justice
We either have what we want, or we have ironclad, airtight,
impenetrable reasons why it's not even marginally possible to get it. We use one of the most powerful tools at our disposal - the mind - for our disposal.
Rather than dispose of the barriers to our dreams, the mind
disposes of the dreams. In the amount of time it takes for the mind to invent a good excuse, it could've created an alternative way of achieving the desired result, rendering excuse making unnecessary.
We are all, right
now, living the life of our own choosing. The bottom line question:
"Do we pursue what we want, or do we do whats comfortable?"
For the most
part, most people most often choose comfort - the familiar, the time honored, the well worn but well known. After a lifetime of choosing between comfort & risk, we're left with the life we currently have. And it was all of our own choosing. It's a given, for most people & accepted fact - that uncomfortableness is a sufficient reason for not doing something.
A
common cover-up for hurt is anger. We blame whatever or whomever it is that let us down & we get steamed. ("How dare you!")
Some people have anger as the automatic response to disappointment. In almost all cases, however, hurt is just underneath.
A common defense against hurt feelings is depression. Some people feel so down all the time that one more hurt is just another drop in the ocean of their melancholy. Over time, the result of all this fear, guilt, unworthiness, hurt feelings &
anger is discouragement.
Discouragement promotes inaction & inaction
guarantees failure - a life
of not living our dreams.
To the degree we're not living our dreams, our comfort zone has more control of us than we have over ourselves. Guilt is anger directed toward ourselves & anger is the energy for change. Alas, few of us were trained to use anger for change (except, perhaps, in athletics).
Mostly, we use anger for blame & feeling bad.
The gift of anger, however, is the physical, mental & emotional strength to make change. When we feel
guilty, & want to use the anger for change (for a change), we have 2 options:
Hurt feelings & anger - like fear, guilt & unworthiness - are there as energy to be used toward your goal, not as reasons to stop.
Our feelings don't say stop - our programming says
stop. When the comfort zone has control of the imagination, it is vigorously & creatively used against us.
We relive the horrors of the past - the fears that were justified, the guilts that were especially foul, the unworthiness at their worst, the hurt feelings at their
most painful, the anger at its most destructive.
Considering the false history created by the comfort zones careful selection & occasional rewriting, it's easy to feel discouraged about ourselves
& everything we might consider doing. The comfort zone also uses the imagination when considering the future. It projects an image of not just failure but monumental failure, embarrassing failure, public & unconditional failure.
Considering this opposition,
it's amazing that we even get out of bed. When we project our dreams into a positive future, we see that we can have what we want. A positive image of the future not only shows us how to get there, it draws
us to it, attracting us toward our dreams like a magnet.
A goal is something
tangible; a purpose is a direction. A goal can be achieved; a purpose is fulfilled in each moment. We can set &
achieve many goals; a purpose remains constant for life. One of the toughest things to sacrifice is the idea that we should
be comfortable all the time.
We
only said you'd find satisfaction pursuing your dreams, not comfort. People don't like to see others pursuing their dreams - it reminds them how far from living their dreams they are. In talking
you out of your dreams, they're talking themselves back into their own comfort zone. They'll give you every rational lie they ever gave themselves.
Learn to see
fear as excitement, guilt as the energy for personal change, unworthiness as the discipline to live your Dream, hurt feelings as caring &
anger as the energy for outer change.
For now,
be willing to be uncomfortable. Be comfortable being uncomfortable. It may get tough, but it's a small price to pay for living your Dream. You'll achieve your Dream when you've done the necessary
work. The good new is, you'll achieve your Dream. The bad new is, there's work involved.
Pursuing your
Dream requires work - mental, emotional & physical. Work is what we don't want to do, but we do anyway to get something
else. To reach your Dream, you'll be called upon to do a lot of things you don't want to do.
Do the necessary
work. A lot of people decide how much that is before they really know how much it'll be. They say, "I've done enough
work," & give up. They were wrong. It wasn't enough. How do we know when it was enough?
Simple.
When we have what we want, it was enough. Until then, it wasn't. Do the work until it's enough - until you have your Dream.
It's a lot of
physical work pursuing your Dream. Be prepared for it.
Rehabilitate
your attitude toward words such as "work", "vacation" & "time off." The idea that we need "time off" comes from working for another to fulfill another's dreams.
Now
your life is directed toward fulfilling your Dream. Why would you want to take "time off" from that? When we realize
one Dream, sometimes a deeper Dream reveals itself. At other times, a parallel Dream appears. The one that scares the hell out of you is probably it.
What's the true
value of setting a goal & achieving it?
It's
not obtaining the goal, but what we learn about ourselves along the way. To get to our Dream we must be focused, disciplined,
persevering, caring, worthy, excited, enthusiastic & passionate.
What do we learn
about ourselves?
- How to be more focused, disciplined, persevering,
caring, worth, excited, enthusiastic & passionate.
Goals come & go, dreams fade, but these qualities travel with us wherever we go. When things are going awful, terrible,
horrible it helps to remember that, in 5 months, you'll be telling this "tragedy" as an anecdote.
You'll have your friends laughing hysterically about it. If it'll be funny then, it's funny now. By remembering that in the middle of chaos, you can take a
deep breath & say to yourself, "Relax. This is funny."
After talking with her father,
Molly is excited. "Why wasn't I thinking?" she wonders. "I don't have to feel sorry for Catherine.
I can be the one God uses to encourage her!" Molly gets
out her stationery & writes a sweet note to her discouraged friend. Part of it reads, "I'm so glad you're my best friend. I really look up to you & I love you!" Then Molly picks up the phone & invites Catherine to spend the day shopping & hanging out with her on Saturday.
Look It Up: The Greek word for "encourage" literally means "to come alongside &
help." Encouragement can come thru a variety of means.
Think It Through: Author Chuck Swindoll writes, "The beautiful
part of encouragement is this:
Anybody can do it. You don't need a lot of money to carry it out. You don't even need to be a certain age."
Whats the most encouraging thing anyone has ever done for or said to you? Can you think of 5 really creative ways to encourage someone who's down?
Catherine is surprised (& a little
embarrassed) by Molly's thoughtfulness. Molly had planned the entire day with Catherine in mind. They went to Catherines favorite restaurant, favorite clothing store & even went
to see a movie Catherine had been saying she wanted to see. As the girls walk out of the theater, Catherine begins to express
her thanks.
"I really appreciate all this. But you really didn't need to go to all this -" Molly interrupts, "I know I didn't need to . . . I wanted to do it. Cath, you're my best friend! I'd give anything if you could be on the squad." Catherine
smiles a little, then her smile breaks into a grin. "Thanks, Molly. That really does help."
Look It Up: Scripture is clear. Our words have the power to heal . . . or to hurt.
"An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up" (Proverbs 12:25).
"Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul & healing to the bones" (Proverbs 16:24).
Think It Through:
Let's face it, there are enough things in this world beating you down & telling you that you're
not worth much. Genuine compliments & true encouragement stand out because they so seldom happen. Mark Twain once said,
"I can live two months on one good
compliment."
Do you agree with this statement?
Work It Out: Discouraged people
are everywhere. So here's the mission: Just by using the power of your tongue, see how many people you can encourage today.
Look for:
- the store clerk who is
having a horrible day
- the quiet classmate who
usually sits alone at lunch
- the friend who has just
flunked the biggest test of the year
- the girl at school or
church who never gets asked out
the teacher who is constantly run over by her class - sometimes you just
want to give up.
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