Madeline's Personal Experience with Suicidal Thoughts

From 3rd grade until I transitioned I seriously considered committing suicide probably once a week! I never did but I certainly felt jaded at the world & hopeless out of control of my own life & desperate to end the pain & too confused to go on living & all sorts of other convuluted things I still can't put words to.

In some ways I wonder if thinking about suicide so much wasn't a way I gained control over life. I could think, "Things are bad now & if they ever got really bad I could always exit life." I have experience with feeling suicidal & I'd never judge somebody else for having those kinds of thoughts too.

Even so, I probably can't completely understand what you're feeling now. Your feelings belong to you & only you're living your life. I would never try to tell you what's right for you. But just that you've bothered to read this far into this page makes me wonder if there isn't a small part of you that really wants to seek out a different path.

Maybe there's a small part of you that really wants to live & experience life & somehow deal with all the pain. And it's not like I can tell you what that solution is for you. Only you can figure that out. But I can share with you some of how I found my own solution for me. I hope you'll consider reading it?

I have a reputation for always being cheerful & an optimist. It's kind of surprising to me. But, then again, I guess it's something I should expect because no matter how completely miserable & suicidal I've been, I've always presented myself to the world a happy as I possibly could. It somehow seems wrong & selfish to be upset. It isn't really wrong or selfish to have any feelings but this is one of the issues I keep going to therapy to explore. I haven't considered committing suicide in the last several years but that's very different from how I used to be.

As I sit here trying to think of what to say about my suicidal feelings I just can't seem to bring any coherence to them. It's like I can't figure out how it used to make so much sense even though I 'm sure it did to me.

I guess the main reason I considered committing suicide was that I couldn't see any other possible solution & suicide was one of those solutions I really could control. There was a time when I carefully took one extra pill from various prescriptions in my parent's medicine cabinet.

I never found out if it was enough to kill me. It wasn't because of religion because by then I hated God for doing this to me. Eventual I just didn't believe in a God. Maybe it was for my parents & for my non-stop worry about being selfish, but I really don't know.

All I knew by high school was something needed to stop. I tried all sorts of things like repressing all of my emotions acting happy believing this is how life should be & so on. But really all those solutions were patchwork; nothing fundamentally changed. And that's what made suicide feel so right. It would be a *real* change. But maybe I just was too scared to try it because I still never acutally killed myself.

Madeline's Epiphany: Controlling her own Destiny

It wasn't until I went to grad school that my life came tumbling down. There was one incident after another where I felt so totally helpless to control anything in my life. It's kind of funny to think about how I handled it. I remember my mom parroting back to me on the phone something I said way too often to her questions, "everything's under control."

But really nothing felt within my control. I couldn't even seek refuge in my own apartment. It was a tiny efficency that was just so dismal & run-down it drained me just living there.

Over the summer I decided to fix it up as a way of isolating myself for a little while. The old couple who owned the building offered to pay for the supplies & I thought, "how hard could painting this little room be?"

But painting that tiny apartment turned out to be a huge undertaking. It was dismal & gross & the closer I looked the more dismal & gross it became.

I'd peel off peeling paint just to find it was slapped up to cover another layer of peeling paint. It was even gross underneath it all! My thoughts often wandered to the history of this place & I wondered about those who came before me.

I came across layers of gross paint that were orange & bizarre colors that must have been remnants from the sixties. But even that terrible color choice almost seemed to be somebody else's attempt to just quickly cover up the mess & move on.

And I'm sure for many of the previous tenants of my apartments this really works. You can conceal all of yucky things with a glossing over of paint. But hiding underneatch are still all the mold & holes & gunk that would eventually come thru to later tenants.

And by then the problems even festered & grew into bigger uncontrollable problems. But I became almost zealous-like in fixing this apartment. I wasn't going to let there be any hidden gunk & temporary patchwork. Even though I knew I would probably live there only another year, I just needed it to be right.

Out of my zealous cleaning & painting & fixing I'd just collapse sometimes & look around thinking about the history of this place. I thought of how idiotic it was that I needed to fix this place so much. I thought about how I could have gotten myself to the point of caring so much about this place, Then I thought about my own history.

The history of this tiny room is the history of my tiny life.

This room is me.

Throughout my life I never really dealt with the real me. When I had problems in the 'outside' world I did my own 'quick-fix' painting. And that really worked!! At least for a little while. And then it was just time for another surface of 'good' paint to put over the 'bad' surface.

So why was I so zealous about fixing up this apartment? Maybe it just seemed easier than my own life?

I finished fixing up my apartment & it looked beautiful when I was done. And throughout my painting efforts I thought I of how I might do the same thing for my life.

I made a list of everything I felt was wrong with me & my life. The list filled pages & pages of notebook paper! There were maybe 5 or 6 dozen items!! But now what?

I began by going thru my list & I realized there really wasn't any way to fix about half of the things on my list. For example, I was still really upset about how my grandfather died & I was never able to connect with him even though I felt we had a lot in common.

But it was already too late. I made another list for those items: "Mistakes to Learn From."

I still felt no control over those things but in a certain symbolic sense putting it on one list was a relief. And I could feel at least a little control of my life by writing how I would like to be different in the future.

With the same zeolousness I put towards my apartment, I worked to fix everything else on my list. Some items were trivially simple but somehow having it on this list made it worth dealing with. I spent the rest of the summer on my list & by the end I had only 2 items left.

One was that I hated my career path. Even though it seemed absurd to throw away all of my work for years I thought about what I would do if only I could make a fresh start. I knew I really liked working with children & I really liked science so I thought about taking Developmental Psychology classes even though I knew *nothing* about the field.

I also interviewed several professors about what their careers were like & even though it still seemed absurd, I decided being a Developmental Psychologist would be best for me.

But then there was still one more item left on my list: my gender identity conflict. I mean, really, changing careers is one thing, but changing sex????

That's absurd!!

But, then again, less than a year ago changing careers seemed absurd too. Yet now I was accepted into a Ph.D. program to become a Developmental Psychologists!

For years & years I'd been going out in girl-form so why not just always be in girl-form? I started living my entire life in girl-form except in those places I had to appear as a boy. And it just seemed more & more like the right path.

So finally, a year after trying to gain some control over my life, I telephoned a gender identity clinic & began fixing this part of my life too.

Thank you for reading this far in my personal story about how I took / fixed my own life. I especially appreciate you taking the time to do this when I know you probably have a lot on your mind right now. And I'm not even sure I know what it is I hope I've conveyed.

I guess it's simply that it's very understandable to me that you might feel suicidal. It's really overwhelming to have no sense of control over your life. But at the same time I found that feeling of no control kind of liberating in the end. If you're considering suicide then you really have nothing to lose by considering alternatives.

Like, why not try creating a list of how you might completely change your life? It's worth trying. You might find that if you radically change your life to something that's truly living your own life you could feel really in control of your destiny. I hope you'll consider living you life rather than ending a life you never really had the chance to begin.

A Dismal Feeling

I think back to youthful times when I felt lost and alone

I think back to a time when life seemed empty and unfulfilled.

I remember a time when my lonely soul would cry out loud and moan

For guidance from my Lord above to make the anguish be stilled.

I prayed to him and prayed to him but knew not what to pray for

I asked for wealth and peace of mind and treasures of this Earth

One day I opened up my eyes and trained them on Heavens door.

I realized then I knew not what my earthly things were worth.

He smiled and raised his arms to me, an invitation to join him there

He showed me riches I had never seen and joys I had never known.

As I gazed into his eyes I could not help but stare

For within his eyes was love complete that would never leave me alone.

For the first time in my life I realized he had been there all along

Sometimes we all forget what dismal feelings really mean.

Now I join him and I praise him in work, in poem and song

Those dismal feelings are only there because we have not seen

Although we see him not with our eyes, we see him with our heart.

And with his steadfast love guiding us we will not depart

From his love and from his care and from his words so dear.

Words of joy and words of love from one who is always near.  

 Lew Duffey

Methamphetamine, also known as meth or crystal meth, is extremely addictive.

It severely affects the central nervous system. It is made in illegal labs from easy to find ingredients. One of the greatest dangers of crystal meth abuse is the dangerously unpredictable, irrational, violence it can produce.

Methamphetamine is a white, odorless, bitter-tasting crystalline powder. It is also called meth, speed, ice, crystal, crank, glass, or chalk, and can be easily dissolved in liquid. Meth can be snorted, smoked, injected or swallowed to get the user high.

Meth was originally developed from amphetamine for use in nasal decongestants and bronchial inhalers. It is prescribed for obesity, narcolepsy and even attention deficit disorder. A medical professional must closely monitor the prescriptions, which are not refillable.

Methamphetamine causes increased activity, suppressed appetite, and a sense of well-being. Crystal meth stimulates the release of dopamine, activating the brain’s pleasure center, as most illicit drugs do. Meth users develop an instant tolerance to the drug, constantly needing more crystal meth to get high as the body adapts to its effects.

Methamphetamine abuse has three typical patterns that users fall into: low intensity, binge, and high intensity.

Low-intensity meth abusers are not yet psychologically addicted but use methamphetamine casually. They seek extra stimulation, in the way that caffeine or nicotine is sometimes used to stay awake, gain more energy, or suppress the appetite.

Crystal meth users who binge on methamphetamine are psychologically addicted to its euphoric rushes. Binge and high-intensity crystal meth abusers prefer to smoke or inject methamphetamine for a faster, stronger high.

There are 7 stages in the cycle of crystal meth bingeing:

1. Initial Rush
   After smoking or injecting methamphetamine, crystal meth users experience increased heartbeat, metabolism, and blood pressure.
2. The Crystal Meth High
   Meth often makes a user feel more intelligent and confident, and they may become more aggressive and argumentative than usual.
3. The Crystal Meth Binge
   As the end of the meth high approaches, the user seeks to continue the high by smoking or injecting more methamphetamine. However, the euphoric rush is diminished each time after the initial dose, as tolerance is experienced immediately. A binge meth user will continue to use crystal meth over a 3 to 15 day period, until no rush or high is experienced, and become mentally and physically hyperactive, avoiding sleep.
4. Crystal Meth Tweaking
   Toward the end of the crystal meth binge, the meth user experiences a crash with feelings of sadness and emptiness. This state is called “tweaking”. While tweaking, crystal meth users may take alcohol or heroin, to relieve the dismal feelings. Meth tweaking can produce extremely unpredictable, violent behavior, hallucinations and paranoia.
5. The Crystal Meth Crash
   A crystal meth binge user eventually crashes when their body’s supply of epinephrine is depleted. They require immense amounts of sleep to replenish the body, often over 1 to 3 days.
6. Return to Normal
   After crashing and replenishing the body, a crystal meth user returns to normal. However, the user’s condition will be somewhat deteriorated from what it was before using methamphetamine.
7. Withdrawal
   Withdrawal from methamphetamine often sneaks up on a crystal meth user – one to three months may pass after using meth before withdrawal symptoms are recognized.
   There are no acute, immediate symptoms of physical distress. However, the crystal meth user in withdrawal will slowly become depressed and unable to feel pleasure, lacking energy. Craving for methamphetamine can hit suddenly, and combined with the feelings of depression may lead to suicide.

Withdrawal symptoms end as soon as crystal meth is used again, making it extremely difficult to break the cycle of meth use. Those who continue to use crystal meth become high-intensity abusers pursuing the rush they felt the first time they used crystal meth. But instead, they experience less euphoria with each rush, using more and more crystal meth. Each high is diminished, with more frequent binges on more methamphetamine.

Doorways of Support & Inspiration:
Dealing with Failure: There are No Mistakes

Failure in Work  Thomas Moore
 
Ordinary failures in work are an inevitable part of the descent of the spirit into human limitation. Failure is mystery, not a problem. Of course this means not that we should try to fail, or take masochistic delight in mistakes, but that we could see the mystery of incarnation at play whenever our work doesn't measure up to our expectations.

If we could understand the feelings of inferiority & humbling occasioned by failure as meaningful in their own right, then we might incorporate failure into our work so that it doesn't literally devastate us...
 
Jung explains that mortifications in life are necessary before eternal factors can be manifested.

A person is expressing this mystery when he realizes, "It's a good thing after all that I didn't get that job I wanted." For all its simplicity, such a statement penetrates beneath human intention & desire & captures the gist of the mystery of failure. In moments of mortification, you may discover that human intention & ambition are not always the best guides in life & work.
 
...Comprehending the mystery in failure & acknowledging its necessity-the way it works alchemically on the soul-allows us to see through our inabilities & not overly identify with them... The narcissist says, "I'm a failure. I can't do anything right."

But indulgence in failure, wallowing in it rather than letting it affect the heart, is a subtle defense against the corrosive action that is essential to it & that fosters soul.

By appreciating failure with imagination, we reconnect it to success. Without the connection, work falls into grand narcissistic fantasies of success & dismal feelings of failure. But as a mystery, failure is not mine, it is an element in the work I am doing.
 
From Care of the Soul: A Guide for Cultivating Depth and Sacredness in Everyday Life by Thomas Moore, HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. New York, NY, 1992, pp. 196-197.