Children of Peace

Instilling Respect in Children
Marilyn Cohen

We're all disheartened by children who speak or act disrespectfully to parents, teachers & peers. Some adults are satisfied to receive external respect only. Children address them politely & appear respectful, but their internal thoughts may be completely different.

Establishing true internal respect between parents & children is another matter. Such children deeply respect & admire the parents' words & actions & wish to follow in their footsteps. This internal respect is based not on fear but on an unshakable bond of love.

How do children come to speak abusively to others? Observe how parents speak to their children every day. In supermarkets & stores I hear parents speak rudely, harshly & critically to their children. They say things like:

• "What's wrong with you?"
• "If you touch that, you're getting the belt:"
• "Shut up"
• And so forth.  

Treating children this way plants the seeds for disrespect.

Children will not respect parents & teachers unless parents have first laid the foundation of respecting the child. Deep internal respect for God, adults & peers begins with self-respect. One who doesn't value & respect himself lacks the capacity to respect others.

How Does a Child Learn to Respect Himself?

A child who's unconditionally wanted, loved & cared for over the years will feel valuable. That child will respect himself & others. Parents must first show respect for their child before they can expect him to show respect back. In his book, The Road Less Traveled, M. Scott Peck, M.D., states:

Time spent & the quality of that time conveys to a child that he’s valuable. Just telling him you love him all the time without spending quality time with him won't give him the security of knowing he is valued & loved. Words alone are hollow. Unconsciously, they know their parents' words don't match up with their deeds. TIME is really important.

When children have learned thru the love of their parents to feel valuable, then come what may, it's almost impossible to destroy their spirit.

This feeling of being valuable is a cornerstone of self-discipline because when one considers oneself valuable, one will take care of oneself in all ways that are necessary. [Self-discipline is self-caring.] 

Natural & Logical Consequences of Behavior

Parents who yell at, hit, threaten, harshly criticize & arbitrarily punish their children aren't respecting their children, making it nearly impossible for them to respect others.

This is undisciplined discipline & it's teaching children to fly off the handle & treat others similarly. Seeing the raw power his parents have, he can't wait to try it on others. He wishes to abuse others the way he has been abused.

Parents who continually lose their temper prevent God from working thru them to reach their children. Heavenly Father needs a calm channel. How can we receive God's inspiration for our children thru our anger?

The key to calmness is to disengage from negative give & take as soon as we begin to feel irritated. We usually wait too long!

Recognize that this is the beginning of an escalating power struggle & withdraw for a few minutes until you can deal with the situation calmly.

Parents who carefully listen to their children's ideas without criticism & without interruption, who take their suggestions, who speak in calm tones, who discipline calmly, logically & consistently are respecting their children.

Such parents have established the foundation to require similar behavior from their children.

Actions are far more important than words. Children need not lectures but role models. A few years ago one of my children told me to "shut up."

I asked him if I'd ever said that to him & he said no. I explained in a very serious & firm tone that since I never say that to him, he's never to say it to me. That was the first & last time. It would've been much more difficult to regain his respect had I been telling him to shut up on a regular basis.

Model the behavior you expect your children to exhibit. If you wish your children to listen to what you say the first time, practice that behavior toward them. If you're usually preoccupied & you ignore them, they'll likely ignore you, too.

Say something once, clearly & get their attention, such as, "Johnny, I have something to say to you. If you pick up your toys in 5 minutes, you get to keep them all week. But if you choose to leave them there, I'll pick them up & put them away for one week & you'll not be able to play with them."

Then, if he chooses not to put them away, calmly put them away & keep them away for the time you said. Chances are it'll happen only once. In this way, you're respecting his choice & letting him choose the consequences.

He'll learn to make good choices & to hear you the very first time.

Logical consequences, calmly & consistently applied, permit a child to learn from the reality of the social order. They acknowledge mutual respect. For consequences to be effective, the children must see them as logically related to their misbehavior. ²

With prayer & careful thought we can break the cycle of threats, control & nagging to death. Nagging is really disrespectful because it assumes your child is not smart enough to understand you the first time.

Fifteen years ago I read an article that said you don't have to instruct your children to say thank you. I took the suggestion & modeled the behavior for them. From the time they were infants, I'd thank them whenever they gave me a toy, or a handful of mashed bananas.

When people gave them things, I'd express the thanks. Sure enough, when they were about 3 or 4, they spontaneously started to say thank you to people & have done so ever since. No nagging.

Your children love you so much & want to be like you. They're watching your every move. So relate to them the way you want them to relate to you. Do you want them to knock on your door before barging into your bedroom?

You certainly can expect that IF you also knock on their door!  

Communication

A large percentage of our communication with our children is centered on nagging, reminding, chastising & accusing. The number one complaint of teenagers is "Nobody understands me." The STEP program gives excellent suggestions on how to listen to & speak to your child. ³

"Mutual respect" means that children & parents allow each other to express their beliefs & feelings honestly, without fear of rejection. It means accepting what the other person says. You may not agree with your children, but you can demonstrate that you accept their feelings.

You show acceptance thru your tone & the words you use.

Reflective listening is critical if you want children to feel understood. Here are examples of closed & open responses:

• Child: "That teacher is unfair! I hate her & I'll never do well."
• Closed Response: "If you'd spend less time complaining & more time studying, you'd do fine."
• Open Response (Reflective Listening): "You're feeling angry & disappointed & you've given up"

Which response do you think would more likely allow a child to share his true feelings with you? A closed response leads to further defensiveness, while an open response demonstrates that you're really trying to understand. Try to reach the child's unspoken feelings.

Richard Cohen suggests an important strategy called KYMS, an acronym for Keep Your Mouth Shut. We're so anxious to give advice, solve our childrens' problems & jump in with our own personal examples. Most of the time, our children just need us to listen!

Another critical aspect of communication is expressing our anger, dissatisfaction or frustration with our children in an unaccusing way. STEP teaches the difference between "I" messages & "You" messages.

A "You" message is an accusation, i.e.: "You're always such a slob." These accusations use words like "always" & "never;" & excavate past incidents over & over.

To influence your child, you must be able to communicate in a manner which makes it likely that your feelings, meanings & intentions are being understood.

In many families, parents don't expect children to listen; they expect to have to repeat every request at least once. Their children have trained them to repeat every message. ⁴

An "I" message deals with the here & now, the specific incident & expresses how you feel, focusing on you, not the child.

For example:

• "When you leave your Legos on the floor, I worry that I'll step on them & break them:'

Another example:

• "When you throw the ball in the living room, I'm afraid it'll break something, so you may either take the ball outside or play quietly in here - it's your choice'."

The more we learn to speak to our children this way, the better they will listen to us.  

Say What You Mean & Mean What You Say!

It's also critical to give only consequences which you're fully prepared to carry out! Parents threaten to stop the car & let their child out, to cancel the family vacation, or to leave their child in the store overnight.

Soon enough the child will know very well that these are empty threats & your words have no meaning. You'll be planting the seeds of disrespect. If young children can't trust your words, they'll certainly not confide in you as teenagers.

When Our Children Face a Problem

If a child has a problem, it's best not to give advice. If the child takes your advice & it doesn't work out, guess whose fault it is? Respect him for being able to make his own decision. He does need your support, however.

Brainstorm together & write down the possible solutions, not judging them initially. Discuss the advantages & disadvantages of each option. Then let the child commit to one of the solutions. Later you can evaluate the outcome together.

Many parents are afraid to allow the child to experience the negative consequences of his own decision. Of course, you can't let a child do something dangerous, but he should be allowed to experience most consequences.

Some well-meaning parents have tried to get a child's grade raised. But how will the child be motivated to study harder if he doesn't receive the D he deserves?

We must not protect or rescue our children from the results of their actions. We must respect their ability to grow & change from their wrong decisions. Don't fear failure. It can be the stimulus which causes us to grow.

Respect Child's Play - Children's Play is their Work

Tony's building a block tower. He's carefully choosing blocks of different sizes & shapes to balance perfectly. He's selecting a unique color scheme. His pride is growing as he sees his creation being born.

He can't wait to show the finished product to his parents. Just as he is about 2/3 done, his mother calls, "Tony, hurry now. Stop what you're doing & put those blocks away. We have to go shopping:"

Parents' work is important. Children's play is just for fun. It's fine to interrupt them at our whim. Not so! We think that children's serious work will begin in 1st grade. Some parents don't want their children to play too much in kindergarten. However, the meaning of children's play is very deep.

Take a one-year-old, dropping peas from his high chair on the floor & exasperating his mother. It's actually a hands-on science lesson. He's learning about the law of gravity.

Take the 2 year-old cutting up everything she can get her hands on. She is learning visual motor control & working very hard at it. Does that mean she should be allowed to cut anything? Certainly not.

But there can be a drawer full of various materials for her to cut, while other things are off limits. There was a 3 year-old poking holes in the back of a couch with a sharp pencil point.

Before his mother flipped out, she noticed he had discovered how to make a symmetrical pattern. He was actually learning geometry. She then gave him corrugated cardboard, which he could poke to his heart's content & made the couch off limits.

The next time your child does something objectionable, ask the crucial question: "Why is my child doing this?" Is he trying to destroy something, or is he learning & experimenting?

We too often unknowingly stifle children's learning & creativity. True, their actions will have to be channeled, so that the house doesn't get destroyed & give consequences if the child doesn't respect the limits.

In building the block tower, Tony is learning balance, persistence, geometry, creativity, self-esteem. This may be the foundation of a great future architect. But suppose you really do have to shop? Advance warning & preparation time show respect for the child.

You might set a timer & say that when the timer rings in 15 minutes, he'll have to stop, but he can finish later-all the while appreciating his effort.

How about playing house? Here children are working out relationships & expressing their emotions, including unresolved frustrations or anger. It helps them move on & forget their problems.

When my children were younger, they had very intense battles with their action figures including killer noises. They were working out much of the tension from the day & would feel much more peaceful afterward, even acting more kindly toward other children.

Children shouldn't be lightly interrupted from their play any more than you'd like to be interrupted from your work. Since we admonish children not to interrupt us all the time, we must also respect their work.

From their work (play), they'll learn dominion over the physical world, cooperation with others & understanding of human relationships.

In conclusion, a harmonious family is built upon deep internal respect for one another centered on God. Children can understand what's meant by respect for others only if they've personally experienced it.