|
When we Believe - Miracles Do Happen
by Sharon L. Holliday
I'm
aware of many miracles in my life today!
The first is my 19-year-old
daughter, who has grown into a wonderful, loving young woman. I'm grateful for the gift of her unconditional love.
We often speak about how she's
learned from my experiences. In my recovery, she's been my anchor and I believe that with her insight and her understanding, I'm able to receive yet another miracle today.
Choices
Some years ago, I arrived in California with the intention of getting well and then returning to my family. I had to choose between
staying here to remain well or returning home and risking that the cycle would start again. I searched my soul and decided
to stay and continue with my self-recovery and self-discovery.
When I didn't return, my husband became outraged and he divorced me. He made communication with my son impossible.
My daughter (from my first marriage)
was struggling with the pressure she felt. He questioned her loyalties and played mind games with her.
She became confused and depressed. The situation became unbearable for my children and I couldn't allow it to continue. My daughter felt she had
no other choice but to move out.
Unfortunately, my son was to remain with his father. I wasn't able to speak with him during this time.
After several years of constant turmoil with my son's father, I returned
to the Midwest to appear in court and fight for custody. I was able to receive an immediate visit with supervision before court. When I arrived at court, joint custody was the ruling with one
condition - I return to the Midwest.
I felt if I moved back, I'd be jeopardizing myself, my recovery and my children's future. I knew that being new to recovery and not having a support system in the Midwest, I'd be treading dangerous ground. I cried to God, for help!
I feared I'd lose my son forever and this broke my heart! I needed to find a way to share in my son's life and still keep my sanity. I returned to California, seeking safety and serenity in order to make my decision.
Acceptance
When I reflected on the visit with my son, I had feelings of comfort and relief. I was able to express my love for him and let him know that my feelings would never change, regardless of where I live. However, once I returned to California, the games began again.
All I knew at this point was that my son's well-being was suffering and I was miserable. I became depressed and I felt defeated. Hearing his pain when I called was too much to bear. He, too, had become
the trophy and the insanity had to stop.
I turned it over to God and found peace. I accepted that I had to take care of me in order to be prepared for the time when my son would be back in my life. I realized right then
that I hadn't been defeated.
What has helped my children through the years is being able to spend time together. My daughter is able to express my love to him and this gives all of us comfort and hope.
Another year has passed since I last spoke with my son and just recently, my daughter
shared a conversation she had with her stepfather. He asked her to contact me. He wished to speak with me, concerning my son.
I was fearful, but I had to know if my son was all right.
Truth
I took the risk and contacted my ex-husband. I heard peace in his voice replacing the anger that used to be there. He realizes now that my son's needs are what are important. He wants our son to be happy and knows that, without his mother sharing his life, he will not be.
We both agreed that with time, patience and honest communication, we'd be able to work together for our son.
I then spoke with my son and hearing his voice, my heart soared. I finally
felt complete. My hope is to rebuild a relationship with my son. I know I can't get back the years we've missed, however, we can start
with today.
For whatever reason he was able to reach out to my daughter, I'll always be grateful.
I always believed that when I was ready to share in my son's life, God would help me find a way! This gave me the courage I needed to continue working in my recovery. I believed that I'd always done what was best for my children. God walked me through the footwork and I believed. I remember now that when I'm consistent with my behavior, miracles can happen if I'm present to receive them.
My story about Anorexia
Ninety pounds. Finishing the muffin I had for lunch, I sit in the corner of the couch with a blanket covering my body.
My dad walks past to the kitchen without noticing (look for the power of noticing) me. This happens frequently; he just doesn't see me.
A cool wind blows past stuck with it a scent of emotion. My body can't get comfortable on the seat, with my bones so cold and poking my skin. I'm lost, hidden in my own off-world. Everything is okay
in my off-world; it's warm and comforting.
Dinner time. Again? I'm not hungry.
I lay in bed, trying to sleep. Tossing and turning, curling up into a fetal ball, I can't get warm. My legs and arms
fall asleep therefore I stretch myself out on my back. I lay there with my hands resting in the slope between my hips and
stomach, my arms tight to my side.
Each breath and heartbeat, is slow and mucky. I quickly get up to run to the resort for the third time.
Breakfast. I can't eat now, too nervous.
I step on the scale, naked and shivering. Eighty-nine pounds. Not too bad, still have that stomach though! Walking the
long path to the building I pant and feel exhausted, wanting to sleep right there on the sidewalk, if only it were warm.
I glance in the 3 way mirror. I can see my back, my ribs and spine all looking back at me. My butt sagging. I look close
to the mirror, my skin translucent. There are purple circles around my eyes. I've lost more than half my hair. What's happened?
I can't eat without staring at the food. I pick it apart and push it around my plate. I can't keep up with all the rules
I have for myself. I constantly break them anyway. I'm horrid even to myself. I did this, I deserve the punishment. It's all my fault. How [the hell] will I tell my parents?
I sit on the cold hard metal medical bed with a sheet of paper covering it, rehearsing over and over what I'll say to
the doctor. A woman comes in to weigh me and take my blood pressure. One hundred pounds. "When was your last period?" She
asked.
"Eight months ago." She proceeded to ask if I'd been pregnant or sick. "God, you're not throwing up are you?" Of course not, that never worked.
I sit and wait more for the doctor, rehearsing again what I'd tell her, feeling quite defeated by the comments of the previous woman. Finally she comes and tells me, yes, it's Anorexia Nervosa.
source
site: when
we believe - miracles do happen
Parents need to be aware of what they're doing to their children when
they use them as pawns in a relationship - keeping a parent from having a relationship with the other parent due to a divorce,
mental illness or eating disorder is wrong. It damages a child forever. I, myself, personally have had to keep two of my children
from their father due to his abusive nature, but it's still not the best situation for my kids.
I tried to let them see their father, but each time he exposed
them to greater danger. Finally as the kids have grown and I've tried to allow them to find their father and their half brother
and sister - we've come to the conclusion from what we've learned that he has indeed, not changed, but has chosen an even
more subversive manner of living and is even more dangerous than before.
This doesn't stop the damage that has occurred with my children.
Although they have a knowledge of why they can't be with their father - it still hurts them that they don't know him and they
have many questions that may never be answered about him.
On the other hand, I have another son who was kept from me
by his controlling and insensitive father - who was lied to about me - and the end result: my son and I have a good relationship
now, I have come to terms with the parental alienation that took place - but my son suffers with deep feelings of insecurity,
and has a drinking problem from self soothing with alcohol. Now who has his father hurt?
There is information concerning parental alienation in two places within
the network and there is also information regarding what divorce and parental games can do to children. Click here to visit the children and divorce page over at children 101. Click here to visit the alienation page at emotional feelings. Click here to go to the website - Parental Alienation.
If you click on the word, "God" above in the article you will go
to my website: different religions where you can read about how God plays a part in our
lives when we are dealing with difficulties, illnesses and dysfunctional relationships.
Recovering from Job Loss
by
Phil Rich, Ed.D., MSW
The New Reality of Job Loss
We've seen many
changes in the work environment over the past decade and beyond,
with multiple layoffs as companies have "down sized" and "right sized." Jobs once secure for life now
rarely exist and people entering the work force today are likely to experience multiple job changes during their careers.
The Impact of Job Loss
Much of the material
on job loss and getting back into the work force touches upon the need to "re-mount," instructing the reader to design a
plan and get back into the action. Appropriately, they
direct the reader to not fall into despair, self pity or anger. Many friends and family members will also urge the
reader to find a way to move on.
But all the pep
talks in the world can't necessarily overcome the real and deep reaching impact of job loss. It's important for newly fired people to not feel that there's something
wrong with them just because they can't follow the advice of family, friends and books and simply move on.
The Consequences of Job Loss
There are at least 2 primary
aspects to job loss:
- "practical" reality
- "emotional" reality
In the first case, job loss also means loss of income
and benefits. In the second, there are equally real emotional consequences:
The Work of Recovery & Rebuilding
The chances are that people will find
a new job. It may not be their 1st choice, but it'll resolve the practical realities. But
a new job doesn't necessarily lead to a satisfactory outcome, financially or emotionally. Regardless of the new
job, emotional issues may not be at all resolved.
Unresolved issues may significantly affect the way in which people see themselves.
In turn, this will directly influence the way they approach finding a new job, what they'll accept for employment and how they settle into their new job and lifestyle.
Accordingly, part of the work in job loss recovery is dealing with the emotional consequences.
Recovering and Rebuilding After Job Loss
"Recovery" describes the ability to work through a challenging time without becoming overcome by circumstances, swept away by emotions or feeling
defeated. It means coming through intact and solvent and finding yourself,
not just back in the saddle, but emotionally satisfied and perhaps stronger and wiser.
The Stages of Recovery and Rebuilding
Viewing recovery as a series of stages, each with a goal and tasks, is useful. It helps people understand their experience as a process that develops
and changes over time and can help them to maintain their composure even when they may feel anxious and insecure. It also helps to know that their experiences are
probably quite "normal."
Stage 1: Coping
However it comes, job
loss is often quite shocking. This stage begins with a sense of disorientation as people are thrown off balance by this turn of events. The broad goal of this stage is to survive this initial period without doing anything damaging to
self, future options, or relationships.
Tasks of the stages include:
- Adjusting to this new reality
- Handling immediate emotional responses
- Dealing with issues of self esteem and humiliation
- Coping with family issues
Stage 2: Surviving
As people enter this
2nd stage, disillusionment begins to fade. They begin to deal with issues of survival and emotional and financial stability. This stage involves laying the foundation upon which people will re-build their lives and includes emotional, practical
and financial tasks.
Stage 3: Assessment and Planning
Building on the stable base created during stage 2, the primary goal of this stage is the assessment of needs, skills and dreams and primary tasks include:
- Taking stock of life
- Assessing choices
- Developing
plans
- Re-building
self image
Stage 4: Decision Making and Self Renewal.
The work of this stage represents the end of this
journey; from basic recovery to self-renewal and
self-determination
and involves the active implementation of plans.
Passage to Recovery
There's no "right" pace for this journey, no "correct" length of
time spent in each stage. Some may quickly move from one stage to the next; others will have a more difficult time and may
get stuck.
But rebuilding after job loss is a process that
takes place only over time. How much time will depend on the personality of the individual, his or her approach to life, resilience and support system.
References:
Elkort, M. (1997). "Getting from Fired to Hired." New York: Macmillan.
Gordon, R. H., & Harold, C,. E. (1997). "Climb a fallen Ladder: How to Survive (and Thrive) in Downsized America."
New York: Hatherleigh Press.
Hakim, C. (1993). "When You Lose Your Job." San Francisco, CA: Berrtet-Koehler.
Lonergan, T. (1998). "Fired With Enthusiasm: A Take-Charge Plan for a Quick Career Comeback."Kansas City,MO: Andrews
McMeel Publishing.
Miller, G. (1999). "Quit Your Job Often and Get Big Raises!" New York: Doubleday.
Rich,
P., & Copans, S. A. (1999). "The Healing Journey Through Job Loss: Your Journal for Reflection and Revitalization." New
York: John Wiley.
"All things are difficult before they are easy."
Thomas Fuller
Recovery from sexual abuse / Supernatural Solutions
Serious,
Compassionate Support
Be it rape or indecent assault, child molestation or the sexual humiliation of a grandmother, the violation is one of the most devastating experiences a human can ever suffer. The deepest part of a person seems incurably
wounded. Countless thousands of survivors, however, have discovered the secret to healing.
To highlight in a few words the tragedy that keeps so many sufferers of sexual abuse from discovering the key to healing, here’s a tiny story.
A doctor is particularly fond of a little patient of hers. All that the little girl can focus on, however, is the vaccinations
the doctor gave her & the painful stitches in her cuts.
To her childish mind, the doctor isn't a healer, but a torturer. One day the girl is strolling along the sidewalk when
suddenly she sees the doctor approaching. In her panic she flees across the road & is hit by a
car, breaking her leg. Of course, the first on the scene is that dreaded doctor.
In time, the physical pain is overshadowed by the shame of walking with a severe limp. It scars her whole life, making her unpopular
at school, later interfering w/her marriage prospects, her career opportunities, her self image & countless other aspects of her life.
The incident inflames her hate for doctors. She spends her life avoiding them & so never discovers that simple surgery would have totally cured her limp.
Tragically, like that little girl, a misunderstanding causes far too many survivors of sexual abuse to waste their lives resenting & avoiding their Healer.
The horror of sexual abuse is that no matter how severe the physical pain, the mental torment is even worse. The physical
pain might have ended when you were a little child, but if you fail to find healing, your inner pain will still be with you when you're a grandparent. There's no need for alarm, however. Healing is available. The extent of one’s healing depends largely upon where you put the blame.
There are several possibilities:
1. We could choose to heap upon ourselves the blame & the shame
What torment follows the taking of this option! So many precious lives have been ruined or tragically shortened by unfounded
or hideously distorted feelings of guilt & worthlessness.
Young men & women of high morals can become so brainwashed into wrongly thinking themselves to be ‘trash’ that they end up needlessly cheapening themselves.
It's understandable how this
false image comes about. One of the great traumas of sexual abuse is that the innocent are made to feel partners
in wickedness. And if it occurred during one’s childhood,
the pressures are particularly enormous.
Since child molesters are usually considerably older than their victims, their lies sound authoritative to children.
Abusers often manipulate emotions until tender consciences are shattered by an overwhelming burden of false guilt.
The insistence upon secrecy not only inflames the conviction that something shamefully wrong is occurring, it forces victims to keep their emotions dangerously bottled up. Also, when the depraved offender is someone highly regarded in the community or is close to the family or an authority figure it's natural for the child to have great respect for the person.
To a child it can seem unthinkable that such a person could do something so horribly wrong. Forced into this almost
intolerable situation, it's not surprising that many opt to blame themselves rather than their abuser.
2. We could blame other people
Since the abuser is exceptionally blameworthy, he (or she) is the obvious target. Other possibilities are people whom we feel should have provided
us more protection.
Blaming people other than oneself is attractive not only because
they (especially the abuser) deserve severe punishment, but because it helps relieve the crushing weight of false guilt that sometimes seems the only other option. The problem,
however, is that resentment & bitterness continually infect a hurting person’s inner wound, preventing healing.
It’s as though someone broke your hand. This makes you so mad that every day as you pass that person’s photo
hanging on the wall, you punch it with your broken hand.
The release of pent up anger might feel good, but the constant punching prolongs your agony by preventing your hand from ever healing. A desire to see someone else suffer ends up perpetuating our own suffering.
The devastating thing is that resentment is addictive. Like a junkie, we focus so much on the welcome relief resentment offers that we hardly realize it inflames the downer that follows & so the agonizing cycle continues.
It's unlikely that we'll ever see the person suffer so much as to satisfy our
lust for revenge. So if we follow this track, in 50 years’ time we'll still be
no closer to a resolution.
For as long as we're dominated by the longing to see someone suffer, that person has succeeded in lowering us to his abysmal level.
He hurt us. Now we want him to hurt.
We degrade ourselves by entering the slimy world of hate, staggering thru life a defeated person, floundering in the same moral
mud in which our tormentor lives. (In fact, sex offenders
are often themselves abuse victims with heart-wrenching stories. They failed to resolve their anger & pain...
Female suffers of abuse often grow up thinking that the typical male is a heartless, sex-crazed beast.
Consider the implications of a male victim of sexual
abuse gripped by such a thought.
He concludes that because he is male he must act that way. Regardless of gender, resentment enslaves & corrupts its victims. Pathetically, people blinded by anger or hate usually feel morally superior
to other people blinded by anger or hate. Bitter people are beautiful people turned ugly. Thankfully the process is reversible.)
We move from victim to victor only when we break free from resentment’s death-grip.
I often hike in wilderness areas infested with snakes so venomous that without specialized medical treatment I would
have only a couple of hours to live after being bitten. Suppose a snake bit me, then slid out of sight. I'd be a fool to squander
precious time angrily trying to find & execute vengeance on the snake. First priority must be to seek medical attention.
There's no question that sexual abusers deserve severe punishment. For your own survival, however, focus on healing, not revenge.
3. We could blame God
Again, because it draws our attention away from ourselves, this option brings a degree of comfort, but it keeps the wound open & festering.
The God you thought you hated isn’t real. The real God, as contrasted with the monster your imagination might have created, is tender, compassionate & understanding.
This isn't an easy concept to grasp, living as we do in a world that is in rebellion against God, violently opposed to his
ways of love & justice. (This is examined in greater
depth in links mentioned later in this webpage.)
Just as by a dangerous trick of the mind the most innocent
rape victims can feel justified in blaming themselves, we can feel justified in blaming God. Such feelings are as tragically out of touch with reality as a skinny victim of anorexia nervosa feeling convinced that she's fat.
Moreover, blaming God keeps you from the one Person who fully understands your anguish, who offers perfect comfort & is able to bring supernatural healing. Resenting God is ultimately as self-destructive as suicide & as counterproductive as a drowning person fighting off his rescuer.
Hating yourself is a dead end. Hating another person keeps you in pain. And hating God is just another variation on hating another person. In fact, resenting people can be as spiritually suicidal as resenting God. Both forms of resentment build a wall between you & your Healer.
Monkeys are easily trapped
by placing food behind a small opening. When they slip their hand in & grab the food, their hand becomes a fist that is
bigger than the opening. Refusing to let go, they remain firmly caught until seized by hunters.
For as long as we make a fist at someone (even
at ourselves, or at God) we, too, are trapped. While we hold on to our bitterness, we are unable to leave our painful past behind
& get on with life.
4. We could choose to lay all the pain, blame & shame upon Jesus
Jesus wants to take upon himself all the guilt, all the horror, all the shame of your abuse. He wants every trace of filth to be dumped on him until it destroys him; because in destroying him, its power to touch you will also be destroyed.
‘But Jesus had nothing to do with it,’ you object, ‘He was innocent.’ Yes, Jesus was innocent. In fact the intensity of his innocence & purity is like the white that shows up as gray every other thing that we ever thought was white. Relative to him, the purest of virgins, the kindest, most saintly person is sin-stained. And yet, Christ was stripped naked, savagely beaten, bruised, tortured,
publicly exposed, mocked, humiliated, his body cruelly violated until finally he died. He did that for you & me.
At first thought it seems inconceivable that an innocent man allowing himself to be tortured to death could heal someone nearly two thousand years later. You deserve
an explanation.
There are 3 difficulties in trying to explain the most significant event in all human history, however. First, explanations
are lifeless. Sitting thru a lecture about the psychology of being in love, i.e., is very different to being hit by a tidal wave of head-over-heels love.
The Lord declares in his Word that the realm of God consists not of talk, but power (1 Corinthians 4:20). What we're seeking is a life-changing connection to the infinite power of Almighty God, not some quaint philosophy or feel-good story.
The second difficulty is that Jesus & what he has accomplished is so unique that there's nothing in our experience that can provide an adequate comparison.
Third, even a summary of an attempted explanation would be so long as to test your patience. I want to rush you to the benefits. So I'll touch just a few highlights in The key to supernatural healing. (visit the source site by clicking the previous
web link "supernatural healing")
the previous information was borrowed from recovery from sexual abuse.... click here to continue reading from the above article & to
visit the other very informative pages. i feel close to the web master with this one, there's an extreme amount of feeling
& understanding in the words...
|
 |
|
There's No Such Thing as Cheating
by Chad Tackett
There's no
right or wrong way to eat. Healthy eating is all about motivation, balance & flexibility. There will be times when you eat a high-fat meal or eat beyond fullness or when your schedule
gets so busy that you miss a workout. This happens. It's normal. But it's very important that you don't get down on yourself & abandon your new healthy lifestyle when this happens.
If you're like most people, your reaction to these diet / fitness obstacles
is guilt. You feel as if all your hard work has been for nothing. "I blew it; I was doing so well. Oh well, I might as
well enjoy this weekend & start over on Monday."
Or even worse: "I just don't have the motivation or will power to start over & be successful. I quit." Feeling defeated, many people discontinue the healthy living & return to their old routine until some mythical time in the future:
"Maybe this spring
will be a better time to start over again."
This kind of scenario is
a perfect example of the diet mentality at work.
An all-or-nothing attitude is why so many people have so little success;
we choose structured programs because they relieve us from making choices for ourselves. A properly designed program makes sense, but expecting to stick to a structured eating & exercise plan for an extended period of time without ever deviating makes no sense at all.
In fact, this is so unrealistic as to be a set-up for failure. If you begin to change your habits with the assumption that any deviation from your plan will ruin it, you might as well not even begin.
Life is full of unplanned obstacles, distractions & temptations. Your best approach is to prepare for them, keeping an open mind & maintaining a positive attitude.
It's very important that you begin your healthier lifestyle with an understanding that there will
be days when you'll stray from healthy eating & exercising.
Before you begin,
tell yourself that no matter what happens, rather than abandoning your new lifestyle, you'll resume your healthy habits as soon as you can; it's equally important that you feel confident, not guilty, about doing so.
Whatever the temptation or obstacle is, keep in mind that it's not wrong or bad to eat fattening foods once in a while
or to miss a workout. Just remember to resume your healthy lifestyle. If you keep moving forward & you don't let guilt & discouragement stop your program all together, you'll eventually have improved eating & exercise habits.
With this approach, there's no such thing as cheating. When we feel we're cheating, we often punish ourselves; we make ourselves feel guilty, frustrated & defeated. Replacing the negative concept of "cheating" with the idea of "straying from healthy habits" takes away the
all or nothing emphasis on right & wrong.
If you treat every deviation from your plan as a failure, you won't get very far. Substituting the idea of a brief straying away from your plan instead of feeling guilty & learning to return more & more quickly to healthier habits, is more realistic.
It's also easier & more enjoyable.
In the non-diet approach, all foods
are legal. There are no "good" foods or "bad" foods. You must believe this. Sudden changes &/or drastic restrictions of high-fat foods when you have a preference or craving for fat will result in feelings of deprivation.
No one can or should go thru life depriving themselves of foods they really enjoy. You must learn how to make gradual healthy changes to the foods you love while experimenting with & learning to appreciate new flavors & textures.
A recent survey showed that more than 75% of people feel guilty about eating so-called "bad" foods. The greatest obstacle to adopting healthy eating habits is guilt. Attaching a value to foods only makes you feel bad for eating them. When you do decide to eat a high-fat
food, enjoy it.
Don't beat yourself up over it. Just make a special effort to eat low-fat the rest of the day. Remember, there's nothing wrong with splurging now & then. It can even
be good for you if the satisfaction of a higher-fat
meal that you've been craving helps you stick with a low-fat lifestyle the rest of the time.
If you're having
a special diet meal that's different from what the
rest of your family or friends are eating, you'll feel as though you're being punished. In order to be successful in changing your eating habits, you must look forward to & enjoy each meal you eat. This doesn't mean that you have
to learn to like rice cakes & celery.
It means you must learn how to make simple changes in the foods you love.
Perhaps one of your favorite meals is fried chicken, a baked potato & salad.
Small changes in how the food is prepared can turn this traditionally high-fat meal into a low-fat well balanced one. Simply marinating a skinless chicken breast in sweet & sour sauce, rolling it in bread crumbs &
baking it makes the chicken a lot less fattening than if it's fried.
Instead of butter or regular sour cream on your potato, try low-fat or nonfat sour cream or a reduced fat ranch dressing.
Try using a non-fat or low-fat salad dressing rather than a regular dressing & adding as many vegetables to your salad
as possible for their additional flavor, texture & nutrients.
Any or all of these changes drastically reduce the amount of fat in the meal without sacrificing flavor or feelings of satisfaction.
Healthy eating patterns can only occur when you're enjoying all the foods you eat. If you're eating low-fat foods just to be healthy but without enjoying the flavors & textures or how they make you feel, this most likely won't be a permanent change.
However, if you begin enjoying healthy foods, you're far more likely to stick with healthy eating for life.
Many people also enjoy eating out but associate this with being "bad" or eating "illegal"
foods. Fortunately, it's very possible to eat a healthy, low-fat meal in a restaurant. You don't need to forego your favorite foods or eat before you go out with friends or family.
The same decision-making process occurs whether you eat at home or go out to a restaurant. Many people think that they have 2 options when eating:
- eating for taste & pleasure
- eating for health
As you learn & practice healthy eating techniques, these 2 options will become one & the same. Good luck & enjoy all the wonderful benefits of a
healthy, active lifestyle.
Chad Tackett, is the President of Global Health & Fitness (GHF). Visit GHF at http://www.global-fitness.com & you'll find hundreds of exercise instructions & video demonstrations, customized programs, healthy recipes &
meal plans, a free nutrition analysis & fitness tracking software & much more!
have you ever felt defeated?
you can't look at yourself in the mirror anymore. you're gaining
weight consistenly although you're on a diet. it's frustrating. it's infuriating. it's feeling defeated.
when you look at your diet truthfully, no self deceit, no feelings of denial, no excuses, no blind eating, you know that you're not keeping to the specifications of your diet. do you know why
you can't do it? do you understand why day after day you find yourself with food in your hands, passing
thru your lips, ending up inside your tummy when it just doesn't need to be there & feeling totally defeated?
well there's a few reasons. i know this because i'm
describing, "me." i am there day in & day out. dr. phil doesn't want to have anything to do with people like me because
i'm not perfectly fat. i have a problem with my leg. i can't exercise normally; & that excludes me from being considered by the dr. phil show for weight loss help. i broke my leg & it has healed in a goofy
way, causing me pain, causing me to not be able to jog, or do some other exercises. dr. phil wants to keep it simple.
so i'm defeated before i begin. not even dr. phil can help
me. that's horribly defeating; when dr. phil won't even attempt to help you. so there's
those of us who have some slight physical problem that keeps us from doing certain exercises.
i'm not sure how many of us are out there, having the small
defect in our body that has caused us emotional pain as well as physical pain because now, we are defectively fat instead of perfectly fat. if you are in my position send me an email with just a note: "i'm defectively fat" & i'll begin to post the numbers here!
now i have to tell you... if you're thinking like this, your thinking is just as defective as your body is, but it doesn't matter that you know that. the reason it doesn' t matter is because you're already feeling defeated. You see, the flimsy layer of hope that's desperately trying to cover up all the inadequacy in your life, is nothing but "lip service." ohhhhhhhhh, that's not very nice of me to say. But really.... i know this because
this is about me... it's about me & it's about a million or more other people. it's not nice,
but it's true. it's where that saying came from.... "...the truth sometimes hurts."
When you've been a failure at weight loss, when you've felt frustrated, defeated, feeling defective, and you know you are fat.... there's a tendency to get down on ourselves. It's like that other statement we have all heard... "if you can't beat em' - join em'!"
we begin to start treating ourselves like the rest of the world treats overweight
people.... we're just horrible to ourselves... just like the rest of the people in the world are.
we won't even look at ourselves in the
mirror.
the other day i was cleaning the house & i caught
a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror i was washing. the mirror was filthy. there were little fingerprints all over it.
suddenly it occurred to me that i never clean this mirror. i avoid mirrors at all costs. as the picture of my reflection appeared in my mind, again, registering in my brain somewhere that
i was really fat... i couldn't believe it that i'd gotten so large. i'd avoided all pictures of myself. i'd avoided all mirrors. i never get haircuts because there's a mirror there. i realized that i can't go to the grocery store because
of the mirrors in the fruit & vegetable department. suddenly i realized that i had been avoiding & denying my fatness to myself to keep myself from recognizing how fat i really am.
are there any of you out there like me? are there any avoiders or those in feelings of denial like i am? send me an email with just a "yes, i'm an avoider" on it & I'll know it's you, one of those people out there that is just like me... defeated,
defective, using the defense mechanisms of avoidance & feelings of denial to keep living day in & day out doing something to keep us busy, that will keep us from cleaning our houses because if
we clean, we'll get out of breath, really tired, sore & we'll most likely see our reflection somewhere in something like
a mirror or window... & we'll see with our eyes, that we're defectively really fat.
it's very difficult today to watch
a television show that doesn't mention weight loss. it's difficult to be in feelings of denial if you're seeing all these weight loss shows on television. Sometimes it's so bad, that you can't handle it anymore. You
begin to feel so defeated because you went to the dr. phil website, to register to win a
weight loss adventure & you see that you can't enter because you're defectively fat. your head begins to spin. you close your eyes. your mouth begins to water. your pulse begins to increase. your breathing
gets shallow....
either you'll experience the above
symptoms or you'll become as flat & numb as a stone & you'll get up in a zombie like trance to find anything,
just anything to eat, it doesn't matter what it is & you'll take it back to your chair in front of the television &
you'll sit there calmly & eat the food. or... you'll be freaked out as I described above, with all those panicky symptoms & you'll
have several types of food in your arms as your fall into your soft place, your favorite recliner & start stuffing food
into your mouth as if you haven't eaten in 12 years.
there's only one word to describe you now.... defeated.
you could add the word, "weak" to that - so you're both weak & defeated, but that's
us.... all of us who can't lose weight because we can't do all the exercises because dr.phil says we're defectively fat, there's no hope for us so why bother to pay ourselves lip servics, so we continue throughout the day to ingest a million calories to reinforce
our defectively fat body that we can feed it all it wants.
did you know that another word for feeling defective is "damaged?" i know that i've felt like damaged goods many a time... how about you? send me an email... if you've felt like damaged goods. i'd like to send a link to this column to dr. phil so he can see how he's helping to
reinforce our feelings of defectiveness & defeat.
so what can we do? i'm not
sure. i need support. i need help. how about you? do any of you out there feeling totally defeated, need any help or support
to lose weight? let me know! send me an email! maybe we can band together...
i'll sit in my chair at my computer
and check my email daily to see if anyone responds... i'm expecting to feel defeated... let's see what happens tho...
i'll pay myself some lip service and say there's a flimsy layer of hope covering up my feelings of defeat right now...
best wishes... kathleen
The Beginners Guide to Losing Weight
So you've decided that you're
going to do it.
You're sick & tired of
being sick & tired & are once & for all hell bent on losing weight. (this
little voice is going off in your head now, as you read this article, in the background, almost subliminally.... defeated defeated defeated defeated defeated defeated..... )
Well, let me be the first
to warn you of a very grim fact:
Millions have tried before
you & most of them have failed miserably at reaching their weight loss & diet goals.
Therefore, I've put together
a little beginner's guide to help make sure that you're one of the few that actually ends up being successful at this.
- Get an accurate picture of where you are now
Many people just go &
hop on a diet or weight loss program without knowing exactly where they are from the start. This is dangerous because along
the way there WILL be numerous times where you'll be tempted to simply quit altogether.
Set specific, realistic goals for your weight loss & WRITE THEM DOWN.
- This is one of the most ill-executed
steps in the entire process of losing weight. Most people will passively quote some random amount of weight that they
"hope" to lose.
"I need to lose 30 lbs." "I'm
trying to get back down to a size X" "If I can just fit back into Y, I'll be fine"
That's the exact WRONG
way to go about your weight loss. All above the above are hopes. Wishes. Desires. And none does a thinner body make.
What you need are detailed, definite goals that are written & time bound (e.g. "over the next 3 months")
to hold yourself accountable to doing what you said you were going to do by the time you said you were going to do it.
Adopt a step-by-step course of action to get you there
In order for this to work
there needs to be a concrete method to your weight loss madness. To this end, you need to chose a weight loss plan that will lead you step-by-step thru what to eat (& what
not to eat) how & when to exercise & every other imaginable aspect of losing weight.
The reason for this is that goals have a much better chance of becoming reality when they're being attained as a result of a plan or system of action.
Get started IMMEDIATELY
Most flunkies know how to
study. Most broke people know how wealth is generated. Most overweight people how to lose weight. However, what separates
all of these very knowledgeable, yet unsuccessful people from the results they desire is action.
Don't let that be your fate.
Once you've written specific
goals & chosen a plan of action, don't delay in getting right on track to weight loss. The cheesecake, burgers, chocolate & pastries aren't going anywhere.
You can snack on them moderately once you've achieved your goals.
Don't get caught into the trap of holding off having Your Best
Body any longer. The sooner you start, the sooner you'll be done.
Be Prepared for the emotional roller coaster
Nearly everyone who has tried
to lose weight has had some level of success at one time or another. For those who haven't been able to sustain desirable results, being knocked out by the emotional roller coaster is most likely to blame.
Look, losing weight is very
simple, but not easy. If it were, there wouldn't be so many people trying to get it right. The #1 skill that you'll need to develop in order to make it thru is surviving the roller coaster of emotions.
One day you'll feel as if you're getting great results. A week
later, you may actually feel that you're moving backwards. Either way, just know that as long as you consistently follow the weight loss principles, you'll ALWAYS move forward, even if it doesn't feel like it.
Don't stop until your goal is reached, no matter WHAT
So many times people come
to a screeching halt in their efforts to lose weight & diet because they get feeling discouraged a portion of the way thru OR after they reach a certain benchmark they allow themselves to be satisfied & quit the program even though their goal hasn't been reached.
DON'T DO IT.
There was a specific reason
that you set your initial goal. Don't sell yourself short by settling for anything less. Stick it out until the very end & your sense of accomplishment will be irreplaceable.
Once you've reached your goal, never, EVER let yourself blow up again
This is the last & final
barrier to ultimate success in your efforts to lose weight.
Make sure not to allow yourself
to relapse while you're in maintenance mode. I recommend sticking to the same general principles that helped you lose the
weight & then occasionally indulging in some of the foods that you love.
This balance is the best way to keep the body that you've worked for & not feel over-restricted.
Make this the first &
last time that you ever have to go thru a weight loss program. Remember that if you can just get it right one good time, you
can literally maintain it forever with little effort.
Your Lifestyle & Fitness Coach,
Lawrence Cole
YourbestbodyNOW.com
dealing
with issues of abuse in your past? visit the new sexual abuse page.... by visiting the new abuse 101 site!
it features new opportunities for those resolving emotions & feelings concerning sexual
abuse issues in their past or present... click the above underlined link to get there now!
7 Excuses For Not Starting Up Your Weight Loss Diet
Changing habits is one of the most difficult challanges we human beings are facing. This also applies to changing food habits & especially starting a weight loss diet, when
you're used to eating what you want when you want it.
When we feel defeated by this challange it's easy to find excuses for not doing it. I'll discuss 7 common excuses for not starting up or staying on a fitness diet
& give you some tips on what to do to get your mind "on track" again.
1." I simply love good food, I'll
never be able to carry this diet out!"
There are 2 points worth commenting
on in this statement. If you tell yourself that you'll never be able to carry out your fat loss diet, I can almost guarantee
you, you won't.
What you should tell yourself
is: "I definately will be able to carry out this fat loss diet" & repeat it as often as possible. If you do, your mind
will trust you more & more & finally it'll know this as the truth. (see daily affirmations)
Who said that you can't eat
good food? There are plenty of delicious gourmet foods you can eat while you lose weight & you can eat as much food as
you want - but you have to eat it in certain combinations.
There are weight loss programs
today that pay attention to anybody's needs & preferences & empahsize certain foods as the main ingredients in the
diet. Chose a diet for losing weight that fit your preferences & tastes best.
2. "I've tried this many times before
& I'm always falling back to my old eating habits before I've reached my weight loss goal. "
So, why not do it right this
time? What did you do wrong last time, so you flipped out from your weight loss program? And the time before that? And before
that? Do you see a pattern here? Did you use the same excuses? Be aware of what you said to yourself to justify the quitting of your diet. Look at your mistakes in a positive way, learn
from them & don't make the same mistake this time.
3. "I'll not be able to do my work
good enough when I have to starve every day."
If you have been on a diet
for losing weight before, you know that this is BS. First, after a few days of little but healthy food - you'll feel an increase
in your energy. If you exercise in addition, the raise in energy will be even greater.
And which other person but
yourself, said that you have to starve? There are fat loss plans out there structured so that you'll never even have the slightest
starving feeling during the dieting period. So that is no excuse for omitting your diet at all.
4. "My family & I always go to
Sizzler's every sunday - a tradition that we love."
If that's a family tradition
you love, there's no reason to stop it. If you chose a high protein diet, you can eat as much grilled meat as you want &
even mix it with vegatables & carb substitutes.
Or if you prefer fruits &
vegatables - stay to these. Anyway, eat which ever combination you want but don't eat so much - especially of foods high in
fat & sugar.
If this is the only "freak-out"
per week, go to Sizzler's, MacDonald's, Golden Coral or wherever & eat as much as you want. But stay on the diet the rest
of the week & you'll still lose weight.
5. "I love to take a glass or 2 of
cold beer when I'm sitting in the garden after dinner."
Do it, but not every day.
If you limit it to let's say twice a week, you're on the safe side. You'll still lose weight if you stay on your diet, even
with a few glasses of beer, vine or brandy per week. So, don't use this argument for an excuse not to begin to lose excess
fat.
6. "I travel much in my job &
have to stay in hotels & eat the hotel's food."
Most hotels will give you
the food you order. If you stay on a low fat diet, order low fat food or chose food low in fat from the buffet. The same with
low carb diets; order meat, fish, low carb vegetables & even carbohydrate substitutes. So, if you really want to lose
weight, the hotel & traveling life is no valid excuse for omitting your weight loss.
7. "Many fat people seem to be very
happy - why can't I just be happy with who I am?"
Maybe you can. The question
you have to ask yourself is: Am I happy with myself now? If you can answer an honest "yes" to this question, stay away from
weight loss diets. If your answer is "no", then find a diet among the arsenal of different types of diets offered today, that
fits your needs & preferences best.
The selection of diets has
never been bigger or more varied than today, so you can find one that fits you & your needs perfectly.
|
|
|
|
|
Rx For a Troubled Marriage
by Donna Jackson
Imagine you're on the phone catching up with a friend who says she can't stay
in her marriage another minute. She's even called a few attorneys and a real estate agent - that's how bleak things are. Surely
she should go, you say, as you listen to the awful details of her unhappiness.
Months pass. You talk again.
She's decided to stay and try to work it out, she says. Oh, there are a hundred reasons:
- the kids
- the financial realities of divorcing
- the fact that on a good day she remembers she
loved him once
- mostly, she hopes it'll be different between them - sometime soon
You
hang up the phone, sure of this: She'll be just as miserable a year from now as she is today. She's just making the best of a bad situation, poor thing.
What you
expressly don't expect is the opposite scenario:
- To talk to her a year later and find that she and her husband
have changed, worked things out, transformed their marriage into something far richer
- they've found, truly, a new level of intimacy together.
They're, shock of shocks, happy together after so much marital woe.
What,
then, enables some women to transform their marriages? What emotional tools do they use? Exactly what's a good enough reason
upon which to base such a major life decision? To find out, we interviewed a number of women who nearly divorced & didn't.
Most
of them stayed for one or more of the following reasons:
Things
quickly escalated to the point where, during an argument, Kathy slapped Jack & he shoved her. "We had a 3 year-old daughter
& I didn't want her to see us like this, so I told him to leave," says Kathy.
They Take a Leap of Faith
together and eventually Kathy found someone who was confrontational," but also kind.
He
flat out told us we were emotionally battering each other. He made rules: He told us we couldn't see each
other except in his office because we were both too immature to talk things out on our own.
He
didn't want to hear about who had done what to whom. He wanted us to learn to back down. He taught us that if you want a good
marriage, you give in when you're wrong and when you're right.
Sometimes a new discovery or vital piece of information motivates
They Issue an Ultimatum
Peter Kramer, M.D., clinical professor of psychiatry at Brown University & author of Should
You Leave? A Psychiatrist Explores Intimacy and Autonomy - The Nature of Advice, says that couples who stay together
despite their grievances often learn to discern what the crucial issues are and how to stand up for them.
Sometimes
the ultimatum is nonverbal, i.e., refusing to go to a company party or moving out of the bedroom.
Grace's bold move worked. They Learn to Accept
They Find the Right Kind of Help
"If friends wanted to invite
us to diner, they knew they had to call each of us separately because we just didn't talk." They' already been to 3 different
marital therapists. There was clearly nothing left to do but divorce.
him as he was.
Regardless
of the path the women took to retrieve their marriages from the brink of divorce, they all shared one thing in common: They were overwhelmingly grateful that they'd stayed. Perhaps Kathy expresses it best:
"I'm finally in the place I've always dreamt of being: We used to be the bickering couple
that might not show up at a party because we'd be at home having a blowup. And now we're the opposite of that. I'm so glad
I stayed; I'm glad for me, for Jack, for our daughter."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
