Dissatisfaction

Dissatisfaction often begins unfocused. There may be a sense that things should work better. People may be complaining. Students may be unhappily waiting in long lines. Customers may complain that costs are too high for the service being provided.

Employees may be discontent with their work life. Patients may be complaining that they have to wait too long. Doctors may be unhappy with how long it takes to get test results. 

For dissatisfaction to initiate change it must be:

• acknowledged 
• put into perspective 
• prioritized 
• related to process  

Acknowledgment of dissatisfaction occurs when someone chooses to understand it. Data is the key to ensure that dissatisfaction is acknowledged. Without data gathered, analyzed and reported on a timely basis - the acknowledgment of dissatisfaction is haphazard.

Dissatisfaction is put into perspective when there is data to quantify it and when the interrelationship of stakeholders and conflicting satisfaction factors is understood.

SITTING WITH DISSATISFACTION
The Fundamental Principle of Healing with Mindfulness

If a Genuine, Deep and Permanent Satisfaction with God is our Goal and Eventual Outcome, it might be said then that even a slight dissatisfaction is a primary motivating feeling, the expression of which becomes the job of the emotions. It might even be the cause of emotions, for without dissatisfaction, what need of expression.

If the middle way (meditation & the meditative state) is the still point or the point of perfection, then even the slightest deviation from it (in either direction) is an expression (of dissatisfaction). And the extremes of deviation from the balanced unmoved state manifest in mania and depression.

Happiness and sadness? What are they but moderate human expression. We call them emotions and seek relief from their power over us. But for what reason?

Paying conscious attention to this fact is our source of power. It empowers us to empower ourselves.

Even our "happy" emotions are mostly expressions of relief from something else, some other antithetical dissatisfaction.

Our bodies are dissatisfied; therefore we're dissatisfied with our bodies. But our bodies are storehouses of unprocessed, unremembered memories of events. (See "Imports/MindSight")

And they're also the means by which the unprocessed becomes processed. They're digestive transformative objects - the means by which transformation occurs.

They're transforming - in both senses of the word, active and objective. They're the transformers of everything, including themselves. They transform (themselves) and transform (everything inside and outside of themselves).

Our minds, however, are like separate organisms altogether. They seek to keep everything the same. We must take our minds off of their projections long enough to allow our bodies to do the work - to catch up with events, to process, to digest, to transform.

Sitting with our feeling of dissatisfaction will allow that to happen and it's the only thing that will allow that to happen.

Dissatisfaction - Sit with it or live with it.

Parental Dissatisfaction with Joint Custody

By Trish Wilson, © 2002. All rights reserved by author

"The Impact of the Custody Plan on the Family: A Five-Year Follow-Up. Executive Summary. Statewide Office of Family Court Services, Administrative Office of the Courts, State of California. Margaret A. Little, Ph.D., Los Angeles County, Family Court Services; Hugh McIsaac, Directory. May 1991.
http://www.courtinfo.ca.gov/programs/cfcc/pdffiles/impcus.pdf.

Excerpts

"...studies of families who came to joint custody through litigation, rather than amicably agreeing to it, suggest that highly conflicted families may be unable to overcome their animosities sufficiently to make joint custody a viable option for them."

"The relatively few fathers who sustained a joint physical custody arrangement over the 6 years between the divorce and the interview are more likely than nonresidential fathers to report that they share in making decisions about their children, are involved in a range of activities with their children and are satisfied with both the legal and physical custody arrangement. This finding is consistent with previous research. What hasn't been noted in previous research is that the mothers in these families are less likely to report being satisfied with the legal and physical custody arrangement than mothers who have sole physical custody. Thus, in terms of parental satisfaction, any increase in the incidence of joint custody may have a mixed outcome."

Description of Current Custody Behavior

Turning to the self-reported custody behavior of the families interviewed, most of the families reported that the children reside with their mothers and about 1/4 reported little or no contact with their nonresidential parent, usually the father.

However, 44% of the families said that the children have at least one overnight with each parent each month.

Thus, two very different types of post-divorce custody patterns of behavior can be seen in this sample. For some families, the divorce resulted in the children being raised almost exclusively by one biological parent.

For others, both parents are meaningfully involved in their children's lives. It's inaccurate to assume that co-parenting is typical of all post-divorce families, but it's also inaccurate to assume that it's normative for children to lose contact with one parent following the divorce. In this sample, both post-divorce custody behavior patterns were fairly common.

Most nonresidential parents and joint custody parents stated they wanted to spend more time with their children.

The only group of parents in which the majority were satisfied with the amount of time they have with the children were those who reported having primary physical custody of the children, suggesting parents view anything less than primary physical custody as insufficient time with their children.

Thus, in most divorced families, whether the custody arrangement is primary residence with one parent or shared physical custody, at least one parent is dissatisfied with the amount of time he or she has with the children. In joint custody families, both are often dissatisfied."

In terms of legal custody, high levels of joint decision making are associated with high levels of contact between the children and both parents. At least partially as a function of this relationship, parents who reported the children reside with both of them reported higher levels of joint decision making than those who reported that the children live primarily in one of their homes.

In terms of satisfaction, residential parents were more likely to report being satisfied with their role in decision making than parents who reported that the children reside with the other parent.

"As with satisfaction with the amount of time spent with the children, a small percentage of joint physical custody parents were dissatisfied with their role in decision making than among nonresidential parents, but also a smaller percentage were satisfied than among parents with primary custody."[Citing Steinman, Zemmelman & Knoblauch (1985)]

It's notable that fathers rate higher on the conjoint decision-making scale than do mothers. Across every category, the group means for fathers are higher than those for mothers. This finding has implications for researchers relying solely on reports from one parent. 

However, in the absence of information about the family dynamics at the time of the divorce, it's impossible to know if the initial custody plan itself has an impact on later custody behavior or if the initial custody order is simply an indicator of other dynamics in the family that are crucial in determining the father's level of contact with the children following the divorce. 

CBC MARKETPLACE: SERVICES » CUSTOMER SERVICE
Insider interview: Paula Courtney on surveying customer dissatisfaction
Broadcast: February 20, 2005

The following is an edited excerpt from an interview between Erica Johnson (Marketplace reporter) and Paula Courtney.

Paula Courtney is president of Verde Group, a consulting company which tracks how Canadians feel about customer service - and measures how much money companies lose from customer dissatisfaction.

Her recent national survey of 1,000 shoppers found that we’re not satisfied.

The interview

ERICA JOHNSON: Tell me about the study you did in December. How many people did you survey and what did you find?

PAULA COURTNEY: The Verde Group went out and surveyed over 1,000 consumers across Canada. It was a national study. One of the things that we wanted to find out is exactly what consumers were experiencing when they shop...

One of the biggest things that we found out was the impact of negative word of mouth - exactly how many customers will not buy somewhere as a result of stories they’ve heard from their friends or someone they know…

About 51% of consumers who hear a negative story from a friend or someone they know will actually not shop at that store.

ERICA JOHNSON: That’s a lot.

PAULA COURTNEY: It is and it was surprising because in our research, typically we project a 2% factor… So to find out that it was actually 51% actually quite surprised us.

ERICA JOHNSON: That must make companies shake in their boots.

PAULA COURTNEY: It’s interesting, because I don’t think that companies really understand the magnitude or the power of referrals or negative referrals. A lot of people think that if you have a positive experience, you’re going to share that with others - and the actual fact is you’re not…

What’s happening is we are being much more influenced over our friends’ negative experiences than we are by slick ads or slick campaigns... So negative experiences impact our behavior.

ERICA JOHNSON: Of the people you talked to, how many actually had a problem?

PAULA COURTNEY: …On average, 40% of all consumers in our study reported at least 2 problems.

ERICA JOHNSON: Every time they made a purchase?

PAULA COURTNEY: Correct…

ERICA JOHNSON: That seems like a huge problem, if 40% of people are reporting this.

PAULA COURTNEY: Yes, it is. In fact, what we find is about 14% of a company’s revenue is at risk as a result of problems that customers experience…

ERICA JOHNSON: Because they might not come back?

PAULA COURTNEY: That’s right, they won’t come back... Customers do follow through on negative intentions. When a customer says 'I won’t buy from that place again,' they don’t. They likelihood of them following thru on that negative intention is much greater…

‘Having to wait’ tops list of complaints

The top most frequently mentioned problem that consumers reported was having to wait… We hate to wait to pay for our merchandise; we hate to wait in line for staff to help us. We hate looking for parking. We hate waiting for someone to help us find the product or the merchandise that we’re looking for.

The biggest category of issues that consumers reported in our study were problems with frontline staff:

• customer service staff not being eager to help
• customer service staff not being helpful or courteous
• most important, in terms of spreading the most negative word of mouth is customer service staff not having the knowledge about the product and services that the company is selling.

ERICA JOHNSON: Why is that happening?

PAULA COURTNEY: The answer is complex. There are lots of reasons why. Companies are cutting back. Lots of big box retailers are coming in from the United States. There’s huge competition in Canada, so retailers are feeling the squeeze in terms of price and margins.

One of the biggest areas to cut back tends to be … customer service staff, which is the most important influence for customer loyalty and customer retention.

In Ontario in particular, consumers are most likely to complain about poor service from frontline staff. Just as there’s lots of competition for consumers, there’s lots of competition for employees. They can go somewhere else if they don’t like the job that they’re in. So we’re seeing huge turnover and that’s impacting the level of knowledge and experience that frontline people have…

Customers don’t complain that there’s nobody there because there’s nobody to complain to. So they’re just going to leave. That’s what our study found, that very few customers will actually complain to the organization about the problem that they had.

ERICA JOHNSON: Why are we reluctant to complain? Why don’t we speak out more?

PAULA COURTNEY: 1st: they flee; they believe it’s not worth the time or the trouble. Their problem was small.

2nd: they don’t believe that complaining will do any good. 'You’ve told me, Mr. Company, that you don’t care about customer service, so what’s the likelihood that you’re going to care about my concern, little old me, consumer?'

3rd: they don’t know who or where to complain to. There isn’t an obvious place; there isn’t an obvious desk. There isn’t a clear phone number. Most organizations have multiple 1-800 numbers listed in the phone book, multiple locations. Which number do I call? Our studies show that the more places you give consumers to contact, the more confused they are about where they should contact, if they have that problem.

Frontline staff: Second major complaint

ERICA JOHNSON: One of the biggest things people are frustrated with is having to wait. What else--

PAULA COURTNEY: Frontline staff not being helpful or courteous is one of the most frequently cited problems...

ERICA JOHNSON: You found frontline staff that are rude?

PAULA COURTNEY: Yes. Rude, unhelpful… and I think that the fault lies in the companies. Are we hiring the right fit for frontline people? We call it ‘fit for vision.’ You have to have the right kind of person who’s predisposed to be handling customer issues, who’s got patience, who actually says 'hello' before asking you for your account number or your credit card. Just little things like that.

ERICA JOHNSON: How much choice do companies have these days? When companies are paying people minimum wage, it’s hard to hold on to people.

PAULA COURTNEY: Why are we paying these people minimum wage? A lot of executives pay lip service, saying the most important function in our company is the frontline staff, but they’re the people that we train the least and pay the least. They are the window and the door to your customers.

ERICA JOHNSON: Tell me about the big box culture. Have you noticed a decline in customer service in direct proportion to the increase of big box stores?

PAULA COURTNEY: It would seem that way. However, I have no research data to back up that, so I’m not really certain. I can say that companies are more squeezed, that companies feel the pressure, that competition is more intense than it ever has been. It’s not just because of the big box retailers coming into Canada from the U.S. Online purchases have created a new avenue of competition for retailers.

ERICA JOHNSON: A big beef we’ve heard from our viewers is ‘I’m so tired of going into a store and there’s no one around to help. I’m in a huge store. Where’s the customer service?’ Did you hear that?

PAULA COURTNEY: Absolutely. What we’re finding is that’s a huge category of problems. ‘There is nobody around to help me. There’s nobody around to serve me, let alone help me find the product that I’m looking for.’ That is a big problem for consumers.

ERICA JOHNSON: If you can’t find what you want to buy, the company’s losing money.

PAULA COURTNEY: That’s right… The bottom line is your frontline staff are your company’s first impression. And consumers have choices. They will walk with their feet if they don’t get the kind of service that they feel they should expect. I think the good news story is that organizations don’t have to spend millions of dollars to fix some of the problems that consumers are screaming about.

ERICA JOHNSON: What’s needed?

PAULA COURTNEY: We need a major attitude adjustment in organizations, that the frontline is important. We need to tell our frontline staff that they need to demonstrate appreciation for that customer’s business.

The experience they create for customers can be a lasting gone, from two perspectives, a positive lasting one, when customers will come back, or a lasting one because that customer’s going to tell 10 other people about that experience and they won’t come back.

The importance of complaining

ERICA JOHNSON: Why is it important for consumers to complain?

PAULA COURTNEY: I think that if consumers want a higher level of service, if they want to be treated quickly and with frontline staff that have knowledge and expertise to serve them, then it pays for them to complain.

We all benefit by complaining. We benefit because hopefully retailers and other companies get the lesson… The bottom line is so that companies improve the kind of service that consumers are experiencing today. So that we as consumers aren’t aggravated, that we don’t deal with the problems that we deal with when we go and buy something.

ERICA JOHNSON: Will it really make a difference if people complain?

PAULA COURTNEY: Yes. I think absolutely it will make a difference. It makes a difference if we complain in the right way and that if we all complain companies will eventually get it.

ERICA JOHNSON: What’s the right way to complain?

PAULA COURTNEY: The Verde Group would advise consumers what they should do in order to have an effective complaint - and this is a tough one - but to stay calm and very polite… It’s tough if you’re very frustrated and the problem that you had is significant. But remaining calm and remaining courteous is the surest way to be heard.

Should you shout it out?

ERICA JOHNSON: But we’ve heard the squeaky wheel that gets the grease. The louder and madder you get in the store, the more quickly the store tries to appease you.

PAULA COURTNEY: And often that is true. However, it’s not necessarily the best resolution that you’re getting – and you’re not taken seriously. I think a lot of customers that use foul language, that are yelling and screaming, do nothing to help their issue. In fact, all they do is create defensiveness in the frontline staff person…

ERICA JOHNSON: But if that’s what gets results?

PAULA COURTNEY: It doesn’t. We think it does, but there are companies who have integrity and values and will tell that consumer you'll get nothing if you don’t lower your voice and treat my frontline person with courtesy and respect.’

There are companies who will sometimes insist that that customer leave… or sometimes the police will be called. They get nothing and they could get slapped with a harassment suit or even assault. Especially if it’s an airline – the smallest thing can verge on assault if you physically threaten by waving your hands. Airlines are especially sensitive these days about that kind of behavior. It just doesn’t work.

And Erica, it doesn’t pay to be a jerk. It never does. You may get that free coupon today, but tomorrow you may be escorted by a security guard out the store…

So not yelling and not screaming is the most effective way to issue a complaint. And get your facts straight. I think the most important thing that consumers can do is to be very specific about their issue. What exactly happened? Use dates, times, record people’s names that you spoke with. Be very objective and be very logical in lodging your complaint…

If you’re in a restaurant and your soup’s cold – you don’t have to follow a formal complaint process. But if you’ve made a major transaction, you’ve gone through frontline and you’ve escalated and you’re not getting the help that you need… then that’s the kind of formal process where you need to be very clear on your details.

I’m not saying that the burden is on the consumer to detail everything and prepare a legal case for why you should be taken care of. But just be objective and courteous. And every time you escalate, recognize and acknowledge all the positive things that that company has done to try to help you.

ERICA JOHNSON: Don’t just focus on the bad. If someone is helpful, mention that?

PAULA COURTNEY: Absolutely. It validates you as a customer and your complaint. Ideally, we should just be able to say, ‘Look, I’ve had this experience and you should do something about it.’

But the reality is that there aren’t the resources in place to equip frontline staff to deal with those concerns or issues.

So what can we do? Use the frontline person as an advocate. Use them to help you get the resolution that you’re looking for – instead of being confrontational, instead of getting their backs up and creating a ‘you-vs.-them.’

ERICA JOHNSON: Anything else that could help empower a consumer trying to get resolution?

PAULA COURTNEY: Yes. Definitely escalating to head office.

ERICA JOHNSON: You’ve gone to the top honcho. You’re still unhappy.

PAULA COURTNEY: The last thing is absolutely don’t come back to that store again. If that company hasn't benefited from the gift of your complaint, you’ve been professional and courteous all the way up the ladder - and they’re still not doing anything, then never come back.

But make sure that you tell the most senior person that you're never going to come back, that you've spent $2,000 in their store and maybe you’ve made $10,000 worth of purchases last year and you'll never come back.

And not only will you not come back, but you’re going to tell 10 or 20 other people about that story and you’re going to encourage those 10 or 20 people never to visit their store as well.

‘You've just lost yourself a customer and I’m probably worth thousands of dollars to you. And not only am I not coming back, I’m going to tell 10 or 20 of my friends and tell them not to come back.'

Because if the company can’t learn from the gift of your complaint, they need to learn through lost revenue and sales…

ERICA JOHNSON: What are some of the things that companies have done to try to avoid customer service?

PAULA COURTNEY: Some companies just can't manage the workload of incoming calls into their call centre, for example. So what they’ll do is they’ll just reduce the number of lines that they have available for consumers to contact. We call that ‘blocking calls.’ So rather than a consumer getting through and getting either a voicemail system with various options or a live agent to take their call, they’re going to hear a busy signal.

If you hear a busy signal as a consumer you’re just going to hang up. You’re not going to stay on the line. There’s no use. And you’re going to hang up and probably not call again…

The 1st thing that a company needs to do is to reduce the number of problems that your customers experience.

So how do you do that? You first have to know what problems that they’re experiencing and you do that by asking customers.

The 2nd thing is you need to encourage customers to contact you when they have a problem.

So how do you do that? You set up a clear channel for them to contact. You don’t give them 10 choices; you give them one. You make it very clear for them to know where exactly they should go when they have a problem. You encourage them to contact by soliciting their feedback on a regular basis.

And the third thing that we encourage our clients to do is to have an effective contact resolution process.

Now, notice I said “contact” and not “complaint.” Contacts are gifts. The more interaction, the more stickiness that a client has for the company the more likely we are to retain them.

ERICA JOHNSON: More and more people feel that customer service is just going out the window. But is that something that you’ve actually validated? Have you measured that customer service is dropping off?

PAULA COURTNEY: Yes we have, Erica. The Verde Group does research. For the last 15 years we’ve been collecting customer data. We have a database that tracks over 100,000 customer experiences. And every 5 years we aggregate all the studies that we’ve done to sort of look at trends.

The last amalgamation that we did was from the year 2000 to 2004 and that 4 year period is remarkably different from the preceding 4 year period. Service has gotten worse. Customers are now less satisfied with organizations when they have problems… So we’re seeing a huge growth in the amount of money that’s now being lost as a result of poor service.

Aesthetic Realism seminar:
A Woman's Dissatisfaction: 
Can It Be Beautiful?
By Lynette Abel

Dissatisfaction is something everyone has every day simply by being alive. And I've learned from Aesthetic Realism this crucial thing: there are 2 kinds of dissatisfaction:

• one that is beautiful
• the other that is ugly 

All the finest things mankind has gotten to in science and art, in communication - arose from beautiful dissatisfaction: a quest for greater expression, fairness and respect for people and the world. 

Dissatisfaction that is ugly arises from the feeling - one I had cultivated - that nothing is good enough for us, that we're surrounded by inferior people in a cold, insensitive world. 

This is contempt and while it seem to satisfy the self as superior, Aesthetic Realism shows it's poison, the most hurtful, debilitating thing in us and makes us loathe ourselves. 

In his lecture "Aesthetic Realism and Dissatisfaction," of 1949, Eli Siegel explains: 

The temptation to be satisfied with nothing and to forget what we've been satisfied with is around all the time, because if we can feel that we're dissatisfied with everything, we become the Robinson Crusoes of our own glorious big island and small island." 

This describes what I felt so often in the years before I knew Aesthetic Realism and I also felt lonely and that life was passing me by. 

The Fight in a Girl between Two Kinds of Dissatisfaction

Growing up in the 1950's, I loved to explore the beautiful woods behind our house. One day I saw a newly hatched bird fall from its nest; and the motion of its little heart showed through its transparent body.  I couldn't bear to leave it and brought it home. There was much I didn't know but I felt compelled to learn all I could to take care of it. 

The first thing I found out was, contrary to what I thought, that birds ate very little, was they eat about 3 times their body weight a day!  Each day the neighborhood children would bring us worms they had found for this little bird. I felt a deep, happy satisfaction as it grew all it's feathers in about 3 weeks and thrived. 

I also loved the tap dance lessons I began taking. Years later, I would learn from Aesthetic Realism that tap dancing is so satisfying because it puts together opposites: order and freedom, precision and wildness are given beautiful form, opposites I was looking to put together in myself, growing up amid much commotion in our home of 6 very active children. 

But I became dissatisfied with tap, as I did with ballet, piano lessons and clarinet. If things didn't come easily, I soon became dissatisfied and would just up and quit.  In his lecture Mr. Siegel writes of the fight in every person: 

We want to think that things have meaning, but something also wants us to think that nothing matters at all.... As soon as we have pleasure in finding things wrong, we're really in the dull devil's camp and many people do that. If they kept on being satisfied they'd lose their own importance, so they arrange, unconsciously, to be dissatisfied. 

Though I felt ashamed, I preferred the contemptuous "pleasure in finding things wrong," thinking the more I didn't like things, the more distinguished I was - from removing every onion, green pepper and mushroom from the spaghetti sauce my mother had prepared, to being displeased with every person I knew. 

Other people, I thought, were so easily satisfied, I had better taste, was harder to please and therefore was more sensitive. Meanwhile, I wasn't sensitive to the feelings of my parents or my 5 brothers and sisters. 

I  was selfish and sulky a lot of the time. But this unjust dissatisfaction with things I've seen packs a wallop. As a young woman others might have thought was fortunate, this wasn't what I felt. These are lines I wrote in high school, like many I wrote years after, in which I saw myself as good and as hurt in cruel, unfeeling world: 

Rejection from the beginning 
Plagued the child's destined life. 
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 
Sadness and misery were characteristic 
Although goodness bloomed from this child's heart. 
 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
 This child is not tolerated,
 But completely alone in his world. 
 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  . . . 
 Society is ignorant of this child. 
 There will never be a point of understanding.... 

In using that word never I was changing a possibly true dissatisfaction - not being known - into a dull victory for myself.  How I needed to know what Aesthetic Realism so kindly teaches, that my happiness depended on being beautifully dissatisfied with my own injustice to people and to the world. 

What Mr. Siegel writes in the lecture describes and criticizes the hurtful choice I was making: 

Persons would rather be dissatisfied with the world than unconsciously dissatisfied with what they take to be themselves. 

In a choice between changing something in themselves and therefore thinking they've done something wrong, or finding misery from the world - there's a tendency to say, "I'd rather have myself and be miserable than change what I am and find more accurate pleasure in the world." 

Dissatisfaction in Love

Like many women, I thought the greatest satisfaction in life would come from the admiration and love of a man. Through these, all my unhappiness, complaints I had about other people and my own self-doubt would melt away. 

It was the late 60's and I envisioned living up in the mountains somewhere with a nice vegetable garden and a man devoted to making me happy. 

When at age 20 I met Mark Statler, I hoped he would be the one.  Mark was good-looking and very flattering. This was love: two people seeing each other as wonderful, more important than anything else.  On a birthday card he sent me were these words: "Once in a lifetime, you find someone special; I've found that once in a lifetime with you."  And he added: 

"You always cut yourself down, saying that you're not that good of a person and have a lot of short comings....This isn't true.  You have so much going for you....Anything you want babe is yours for the asking."

This was what I had wanted to hear from a man!  But I had some qualms. On the one hand I felt set up, thrilled, but on the other I felt Mark was foolish - the person he wrote this to was hardly me. 

Instead of trying to be honest about what I felt, I had contempt for him - I pretended to be pleased and flattered him in return, but I became increasingly dissatisfied as days went on. 

"Why?" I thought, "hadn't Mark asked me to marry him, if he finds me "so special"? 

At college, I decided to date other men secretly.  Part of me thought this was the greatest satisfaction - having several men desirous of me at the same time, but my whole self was intensely dissatisfied.  I felt so low I could hardly drag myself through classes. But while I tried to convince myself Mark would be the answer to all my pain, distrust and anger grew between us and our relationship ended bitterly.

Unjust & Beautiful Dissatisfaction in a Famous Woman in Literature 

I comment now on aspects of the character, Beatrix, from the historical 1852 novel, Henry Esmond by the important English author William Makepeace Thackeray.  Beatrix illustrates vividly, dissatisfaction; so ordinary in its way, but which weakens and spoils a person's life. 

Yet Beatrix is also a critic of herself and as the novel proceeds she shows dissatisfaction that is beautiful, strengthening, courageously in behalf of justice. I'll quote from a magnificent 1950 lecture Mr. Siegel gave titled "Aesthetic Realism and Thackeray's Henry Esmond. 

In it, he shows how Thackeray deals honestly with the conflicts of people - children and parents, men and women, husbands and wives - between for and against, pretending and sincerity, selfishness and wanting to be kind. 

It's the early 18th century at the time of Queen Anne. Henry Esmond is being brought up in the noble family of Castlewood, consisting of the Viscount of Castlewood, who, early on, is killed in a duel, his wife, Lady Castlewood and their 2 children, Frank and Beatrix. It's thought that Henry Esmond was born illegitimately, but he learns in time, that he is the rightful heir to the Castlewood estate, though he doesn't tell anyone. 

Esmond is affected very much by both Lady Castlewood and Beatrix, her daughter, who, in the lecture, Mr. Siegel describes as "most radiantly beautiful and smart as a whip and selfish as a lizard and also as warm as the sun and as cold as an ice floe. She is somebody."

There is this description by Thackeray of Beatrix as a child, illustrating the dissatisfaction I know from intimate experience, that goes on in a family: 

"Beatrix, from the earliest time, was jealous of every caress which was given to her little brother Frank. She would fling away even from the maternal arms, if she saw Frank had been there before her;...She would turn...red with rage...; would sit apart and not speak for a whole night, if she thought the boy had a better fruit or a larger cake than hers;" 

In "Aesthetic Realism and Dissatisfaction," Mr. Siegel explains "Where people insist on being dissatisfied, you can be sure that they have a conquering purpose."  This conquering purpose of wanting one's way at all costs is developing in Beatrix and shows in how she plays one parent off against another. 

"One of the things in Thackeray's mind," Mr. Siegel pointed out "was the being able to see how people do go through a deep and ugly politics in family life." 

Thackeray describes this in sentences that have "a style," Mr. Siegel said, "Thackeray is noted for...that winds and leaps gently and then grows flat and then rises again," Thackeray writes:

She was the darling and torment of father and mother. She intrigued with each secretly and bestowed her fondness and withdrew it, plied them with tears, smiles, kisses, cajolements; - when the mother was angry...flew to the father and sheltering behind him, pursued her victim; when both were displeased,... watched until she could win back her parents' good graces, either by surprising them into laughter and good-humor, or appeasing them by submission and artful humility.... 

In my first Aesthetic Realism consultation I began to understand the reasoning behind certain political choices I had made.  I was asked: "What do you think you did with your impression of your parents?  Do you think you came to any decisions as to how to be?" 

I answered "Well, I knew if my mother criticized me, my father would side with me....It gave me power."  Cons.:  Did you feel your father was weak about you?  LA: Yes, I did.  Cons.  Did you feel all men would be?  LA: Yes, I did feel that.  

This was the beginning of seeing how I'd used people to glorify myself, including seeing them as easily deceived, not worthy of respect.  And it was the beginning too of feeling my dissatisfaction with myself could be beautiful through honest self-criticism. 

The Insatiable Desire for Admiration Always Makes for 
Dissatisfaction in Love

Beatrix is growing up and Thackeray describes her: 

"with cheeks mantling with health and roses: with eyes like stars shining out of azure, with waving bronze hair clustered about the fairest young forehead ever seen: and a mien and shape haughty and beautiful,...She had been a coquette from the earliest times...Whenever she sees a man, she makes eyes at him;" 

Like myself of once and many women, Beatrix goes after what she thinks will satisfy her - unmistakable admiration and devotion from a man. Though she has had many men swooning over her, asking for her hand, "she had not chosen one for a husband." 

Esmond, captivated by Beatrix, longs for her, flatters and kneels before her; he has even gone into the military hoping his position would raise him in her eyes. She has encouraged his attentions, but when Esmond questions Beatrix's flirtation with other men, she is incensed and says: 

"I shall go my own way, sirrah,...and I don't want you on the way.  You might do if you had an estate....Do you think I'm going to live in a lodging, and turn the mutton at a string whilst your honour nurses the baby?  Fiddlestick.... " 

This is ugly dissatisfaction - not in behalf of wanting a person stronger but in behalf of one's vanity. Thackeray's prose, however, gives the dreary content real style. 

Beatrix decides she will marry a distinguished Scottish statesman, His Grace, the Duke of Hamilton.  Esmond is surprised but Beatrix explains why, Mr. Siegel said "[Esmond] hasn't got very far with her.  And," he says, "she is right": 

  "A woman of my spirit, cousin, is to be won by gallantry and not by sighs and rueful faces.  All the time you're worshipping and singing hymns to me, I know very well I'm no goddess and grow weary of the incense. So would you have been weary of the goddess too - when she was called Mrs. Esmond and got out of humour because she had not pin-money and was forced to go about in an old gown." 

Meanwhile, Beatrix was soon to have married the Duke, but there is a duel and he is slain. 

A Woman's Dissatisfaction in Love Can Be Beautiful 

In his lecture Mr. Siegel said: 

  "If a person doesn't like something and says, "I'm proud of how I don't like this," at that moment his dissatisfaction changes into satisfaction. To be dissatisfied truly is better than to be satisfied untruly. So dissatisfaction is an opposite that becomes one with satisfaction when we are proud of our dissatisfaction." 

These sentences comment deeply on a speech of Beatrix which Mr. Siegel said was "one of the high points in all English expression."  In it she describes courageously her dissatisfaction with herself and as to love, speaks of something many women have done - pretending to be satisfied when they weren't. 

Beatrix' says to Henry Esmond: 

'Stay, Harry...'Hear a last word. I do love you, I do admire you - who would not, that has known such love as yours has been for us all?  But I think I have no heart; at least, I have never seen the man that could touch it and had I found him, I would have followed him in rags had he been a private soldier, or to sea.... I'd do anything for such a man, bear anything for him: but I never found one. You were ever too much of a slave to win my heart; even my lord Duke couldn't command it. I hadn't been happy had I married him. I knew that 3 months after our engagement - and was too vain to break it.  O Harry! I cried once or twice, not for him, but with tears of rage because I couldn't be sorry for him....I tried to love him; I tried, indeed I did: affected gladness when he came: submitted to hear when he was by me and tried the wife's part I thought I was to play for the rest of my days.  But half-an-hour of that complaisance wearied me and what would a lifetime be?  My thoughts were away when he was speaking and I was thinking, O that this man would drop my hand and rise up from before my feet!...I knew his great and noble qualities... But 'twas not for these I took him. I took him to have a great place in the world and I lost it.  I lost it and don't deplore him - and I often thought, as I listened to his fond vows and ardent words, O, if I yield to this man and meet the other, I shall hate him and leave him!" 

I love what Mr. Siegel explained: what Beatrix is looking for, "which," he said "Thackeray doesn't say...but Aesthetic Realism does state: Beatrix wants to be known."  And he continued, "she'll take adoration and men on their knees...; but deep in her heart she says 'To hell with it....It's impossible," Mr. Siegel said "to love a person who doesn't know you."  

Beatrix' ardent longing stands for what all men and women are hoping for - to know and to be known. And nothing meets this hope more fully than Aesthetic Realism. 

I thank Ellen Reiss for questions I was so fortunate to hear in an Aesthetic Realism class when Michael Palmer and I first began to go out - encouraging me to know him and to be a good critic of myself. 

"What do you want more," she asked "for Michael Palmer to respect himself or for him to show how wonderful you are?" and "Do you think if you're being embraced by Michael Palmer, it is a thrilling chance to know the world and a person and yourself or to get the sweeping honor you have been deprived of?" 

To consciously choose knowing over vanity makes for pride and self-respect.  "To be in bliss, with our restless desire for improvement," said Mr. Siegel "is to put the opposites of self-satisfaction and self-questioning together." 

In another class not long after we were married, as part of studying what good will is, Ellen Reiss encouraged greater accuracy and self-questioning in how I saw my husband. I had the tendency wives frequently have, to feel I knew my husband and how he could be better. 

Ellen Reiss said: "The matter of seeing something as definite but also wanting not just to say 'Yes I see you, you exist,'  but wanting to see all the subtleties and delicacies of it, do you think this is a question you have in seeing Michael Palmer?" 

"Yes," I answered.  And she asked "How are you doing?"  "I could do much better," I said.  And Miss Reiss explained "If you're going to have good will it's good to be firm and pointed...but it's also necessary to want to be complete and take in all that a self takes in.  This has to do with interpersonal relations but also historical things." 

Later in the class she asked "If we're going to have good will do we have to see something wholly?  Does Lynette Abel have to say "I want to see what Michael Palmer really is wholly, all of him or "Gee he's my husband and I will be interested in selected parts to try to be kind? "  Will she be able to be kind if she doesn't want to see who Michael Palmer wholly is?" 

Recently, Michael and I celebrated our wedding anniversary and my gratitude is boundless to Aesthetic Realism for the tremendous education we continue to receive. To know that with every year I can be deeper about who my husband is and through knowing him like the whole world more makes me proud. 

The knowledge of Aesthetic Realism can enable our dissatisfaction to be beautiful, to be the same as good will "the desire to have something else stronger and more beautiful, for this desire makes oneself stronger and more beautiful." There is nothing more important for every person and nation to learn.