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Your dictionary definition of:

dis·sat·is·fied   

adj.

Feeling or exhibiting a lack of contentment or satisfaction

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Dissatisfaction

Dissatisfaction often begins unfocused. There may be a sense that things should work better. People may be complaining. Students may be unhappily waiting in long lines. Customers may complain that costs are too high for the service being provided.

 

Employees may be discontent with their work life. Patients may be complaining that they have to wait too long. Doctors may be unhappy with how long it takes to get test results. 

 

For dissatisfaction to initiate change it must be:

 

  • acknowledged 
  • put into perspective 
  • prioritized 
  • related to process  

Acknowledgment of dissatisfaction occurs when someone chooses to understand it. Data is the key to ensure that dissatisfaction is acknowledged. Without data gathered, analyzed and reported on a timely basis - the acknowledgment of dissatisfaction is haphazard.

 

Dissatisfaction is put into perspective when there is data to quantify it and when the interrelationship of stakeholders and conflicting satisfaction factors is understood.

 

Prioritizing of dissatisfaction is done by understanding the impact of it and selecting what's critical to act upon. This is the result of an analysis of the perspective gained by understanding various stakeholder interests and the messages contained in data.

 

The results we get are a direct result of the processes we use. Understanding the relationship of what we do and what we get, cause and effect will enable us to relate dissatisfaction to specific processes. We reduce dissatisfaction by changing the processes that produce it.

 

When dissatisfaction is acknowledged, put into perspective, prioritized and related to process it becomes focused. At this point we can work to improve it scientifically.

 

Tools that will help with the acknowledgment of dissatisfaction include:

 

  • surveys 
  • focus groups 
  • interviews 
  • secret shopping 

monitoring and reporting critical success factors on an ongoing basis using statistical tools

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SITTING WITH DISSATISFACTION
The Fundamental Principle of Healing with Mindfulness

 

It's our bodies that carry and express our dissatisfaction
and we express dissatisfaction with our bodies.
We're hard on them and we're hard with them.
We expect more from them.
It's our frailty that frustrates us.
Even the strongest man is not strong enough.


I'm only satisfied when I'm sitting with my dissatisfaction,
although I spend enough time distracting my self from that.

What is it God said when he had finished creating creation?
"It is Good". He expressed satisfaction.
God is satisfied.
We are not.

We must sit with our dissatisfaction and heal it or live with it.

We must sit with our dissatisfaction until it transforms -
Until we can smile again,
until we can reconnect with our beauty and love.
We cannot jump there - or we can, but it doesn't last.
I wonder why.
Happiness is a cover-up, a temporary respite. A break.
It only hides and does not relieve our dissatisfaction.
It doesn't work as remedial therapy.
It is a goal and not a means.

True happiness is our ability to sit with and transform our dissatisfaction.

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If a Genuine, Deep and Permanent Satisfaction with God is our Goal and Eventual Outcome, it might be said then that even a slight dissatisfaction is a primary motivating feeling, the expression of which becomes the job of the emotions. It might even be the cause of emotions, for without dissatisfaction, what need of expression.

If the middle way (meditation & the meditative state) is the still point or the point of perfection, then even the slightest deviation from it (in either direction) is an expression (of dissatisfaction). And the extremes of deviation from the balanced unmoved state manifest in mania and depression.

 

Happiness and sadness? What are they but moderate human expression. We call them emotions and seek relief from their power over us. But for what reason?

 

Because somewhere inside of us we're working out of some sense of dissatisfaction. If satisfaction is perfection and we don't feel it then what we are feeling is dissatisfaction and for the most part running away from it.

Satisfaction is the elimination of dissatisfaction and how do we do that except through transformation? The ability to feel joy and happiness, joyous and happy on an everlasting basis, is predicated upon the removal of dissatisfaction.

 

And the removal of dissatisfaction requires the Samyama Process (the three level of knowing) of  identification / discovery, contemplation / work and satisfaction / success.

Dealing With Dissatisfaction Is Our Job. It's the work that we do - whether we like it or not and even when we're running away from it. We're still running away from something we feel we can't deal with. But we aren't really cowards as we might be led to think and it may be and probably is unperceived by us, but underneath the running and maybe the whole purpose of it, is the idea of escaping long enough to be able to figure out a solution.

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Paying conscious attention to this fact is our source of power. It empowers us to empower ourselves.

Even our "happy" emotions are mostly expressions of relief from something else, some other antithetical dissatisfaction.

Our bodies are dissatisfied; therefore we're dissatisfied with our bodies. But our bodies are storehouses of unprocessed, unremembered memories of events. (See "Imports/MindSight")

 

And they're also the means by which the unprocessed becomes processed. They're digestive transformative objects - the means by which transformation occurs.

They're transforming - in both senses of the word, active and objective. They're the transformers of everything, including themselves. They transform (themselves) and transform (everything inside and outside of themselves).

Our minds, however, are like separate organisms altogether. They seek to keep everything the same. We must take our minds off of their projections long enough to allow our bodies to do the work - to catch up with events, to process, to digest, to transform.

Sitting with our feeling of dissatisfaction will allow that to happen and it's the only thing that will allow that to happen.

Dissatisfaction - Sit with it or live with it.


So in sitting with our dissatisfaction we discover our basic nature. And looking into our basic nature we rediscover our happiness through eventually feeling and manifesting our own personal beauty and love.

 

And if we can't, then we must sit with or live with our dissatisfaction. The difference is - living with it is living with it, but sitting with it is giving it the conscious attention it needs in order to express itself and be transformed and that's our power.

 

Then our dissatisfaction won't have to go around looking for people in whose company it feels comfortable enough to express itself, or victims in whose company it feels safe enough to act itself out.

Only by giving conscious attention to our bodies can our dissatisfaction be felt. And in being felt it transforms - digests, as it were - and that's the feeling we get of it "going away", like every other pain - of digestion, headaches, tummy aches and heart aches. WE ARE the transformative elements, WE ARE the missing elements for the transformation of unhappiness.

My only satisfaction is sitting with my dissatisfaction, for that is the work to be done, the only work worth doing. The transformation of dissatisfaction leaves nothing else. 

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Parental Dissatisfaction with Joint Custody

By Trish Wilson, © 2002. All rights reserved by author

 

"The Impact of the Custody Plan on the Family: A Five-Year Follow-Up. Executive Summary. Statewide Office of Family Court Services, Administrative Office of the Courts, State of California. Margaret A. Little, Ph.D., Los Angeles County, Family Court Services; Hugh McIsaac, Directory. May 1991.
http://www.courtinfo.ca.gov/programs/cfcc/pdffiles/impcus.pdf.

Excerpts

"...studies of families who came to joint custody through litigation, rather than amicably agreeing to it, suggest that highly conflicted families may be unable to overcome their animosities sufficiently to make joint custody a viable option for them."

"The relatively few fathers who sustained a joint physical custody arrangement over the 6 years between the divorce and the interview are more likely than nonresidential fathers to report that they share in making decisions about their children, are involved in a range of activities with their children and are satisfied with both the legal and physical custody arrangement. This finding is consistent with previous research. What hasn't been noted in previous research is that the mothers in these families are less likely to report being satisfied with the legal and physical custody arrangement than mothers who have sole physical custody. Thus, in terms of parental satisfaction, any increase in the incidence of joint custody may have a mixed outcome."

Description of Current Custody Behavior

Turning to the self-reported custody behavior of the families interviewed, most of the families reported that the children reside with their mothers and about 1/4 reported little or no contact with their nonresidential parent, usually the father.

However, 44% of the families said that the children have at least one overnight with each parent each month.

Thus, two very different types of post-divorce custody patterns of behavior can be seen in this sample. For some families, the divorce resulted in the children being raised almost exclusively by one biological parent.

For others, both parents are meaningfully involved in their children's lives. It's inaccurate to assume that co-parenting is typical of all post-divorce families, but it's also inaccurate to assume that it's normative for children to lose contact with one parent following the divorce. In this sample, both post-divorce custody behavior patterns were fairly common.

Most nonresidential parents and joint custody parents stated they wanted to spend more time with their children.

The only group of parents in which the majority were satisfied with the amount of time they have with the children were those who reported having primary physical custody of the children, suggesting parents view anything less than primary physical custody as insufficient time with their children.

Thus, in most divorced families, whether the custody arrangement is primary residence with one parent or shared physical custody, at least one parent is dissatisfied with the amount of time he or she has with the children. In joint custody families, both are often dissatisfied."

In terms of legal custody, high levels of joint decision making are associated with high levels of contact between the children and both parents. At least partially as a function of this relationship, parents who reported the children reside with both of them reported higher levels of joint decision making than those who reported that the children live primarily in one of their homes.

In terms of satisfaction, residential parents were more likely to report being satisfied with their role in decision making than parents who reported that the children reside with the other parent.

"As with satisfaction with the amount of time spent with the children, a small percentage of joint physical custody parents were dissatisfied with their role in decision making than among nonresidential parents, but also a smaller percentage were satisfied than among parents with primary custody."[Citing Steinman, Zemmelman & Knoblauch (1985)]

It's notable that fathers rate higher on the conjoint decision-making scale than do mothers. Across every category, the group means for fathers are higher than those for mothers. This finding has implications for researchers relying solely on reports from one parent. 

Comparison of the Initial Custody Order & Current Custody Behavior

Initial physical custody orders awarding the mother primary custody demonstrate a great deal of stability over time. The overwhelming majority of others and fathers showed a similar pattern of contact with the children when they were the nonresidential parent.

No evidence was found in this survey to suggest that nonresidential mothers and fathers behave differently. However, the sampling design (i.e., excluding families with initial order of primary custody to the father) limits the potential of this research project to assess gender differences in post-divorce custody behavior.

These families reported that the children still reside with the mother at the time of the interview. Joint physical custody plans show more fluidity; only 36% of those with an initial custody order of joint physical custody reported in 1989 that the children still reside with both parents.

Those families awarded joint physical custody at the time of the divorce and who reported sharing physical custody in 1989 are characterized by the following:

  • initial custody plans that gave the children equal time with each parent
  • less conflict at the time of the divorce
  • mothers who aren't remarried
  • fathers with higher incomes 
  • parents who live in close geographic proximity

As has been found in other studies of divorced families, these survey data suggest that fathers awarded joint physical custody at the time of the divorce continue to have more contact with their children over time than nonresidential fathers.

However, in the absence of information about the family dynamics at the time of the divorce, it's impossible to know if the initial custody plan itself has an impact on later custody behavior or if the initial custody order is simply an indicator of other dynamics in the family that are crucial in determining the father's level of contact with the children following the divorce. 

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10 Signs of Job Dissatisfaction - Don’t Ignore Them!

The new year is a great time to analyze your job satisfaction.  As you make your new year’s resolutions, include career fulfillment as a top priority.

 

There are 10 sure signs that you're experiencing job dissatisfaction. 

 

If you: 

  • Dread Mondays or coming to work
  • Can’t wait for Friday
  • Are often bored at work
  • Feel tired or chronically fatigued
  • Avoid your boss and dread meetings 
  • Feel like you're getting nowhere in your job
  • Take work stress home
  • Question your choice of industry or occupation
  • Can’t think of a way out

Any of the above signs indicate a need for change. 

 

The biggest career mistake is to ignore those indicators.  A head-in-the-sand mentality can lead to a downward career spiral that ends with disappointment and “what if” regrets.  

 

Here are 3 great ways to facilitate positive change. 

 

Analyze your career choice. Is the problem your boss or employer - or is it that you've chosen the wrong occupation? 

 

Before you take any action, make sure you know what needs to change. Don’t make the mistake of throwing away a good career (ex. accounting, sales, finance) when the problem is really the person you work for. 

 

On the flip side, if you’re not cut out for sales, then changing employers isn’t going to help the problem. 

 

A career coach can guide you to determine which of these problems is causing your unhappiness and give you ideas for your next career move.

 

Update your resume.

 

Updating your resume can give you a great confidence boost. You’ll feel better immediately if you know you're ready whenever opportunity knocks. 

 

Be careful, however, that your resume doesn’t resemble a house with too many additions, each resembling a different style.  If you have simply added to the same old resume job after job, it’s time to “tear down that old shack” and rebuild your resume from the ground up.

If your old resume format doesn’t live up to your professional image, you may want to consult a resume writer. You’d never wrap a ruby ring in old newspaper and you should never present your career with anything less than professional polish. 

Brush up your interview skills.

If you've been on the job for a couple of years, your interview skills are probably rusty.  Don’t make the mistake of blowing off the first few interviews as practice. They might be the perfect jobs for you! 

You’ll feel much more confident and comfortable if your interview skills are honed before you step into the first interview.  To determine your current level of interview expertise, answer the following questions: 

o   Do you know the toughest interview questions and how to answer them? 

o   Can you answer the salary question without compromising the level of starting salary at offer time?  

o   Can you recognize the most common interview styles and respond without showing stress?

If you aren’t sure, then it may be time to visit with a career coach who can help you prepare to WOW them in every interview. 

Job dissatisfaction is an indication of needed change. Take the steps of change by investing in the appropriate job-search skills and tools and you'll be in a position to change your job and your life - for the better. 

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CBC MARKETPLACE: SERVICES » CUSTOMER SERVICE
Insider interview: Paula Courtney on surveying customer dissatisfaction
Broadcast: February 20, 2005

The following is an edited excerpt from an interview between Erica Johnson (Marketplace reporter) and Paula Courtney.

Paula Courtney is president of Verde Group, a consulting company which tracks how Canadians feel about customer service - and measures how much money companies lose from customer dissatisfaction.

Her recent national survey of 1,000 shoppers found that we’re not satisfied.

The interview

ERICA JOHNSON: Tell me about the study you did in December. How many people did you survey and what did you find?

PAULA COURTNEY: The Verde Group went out and surveyed over 1,000 consumers across Canada. It was a national study. One of the things that we wanted to find out is exactly what consumers were experiencing when they shop...

One of the biggest things that we found out was the impact of negative word of mouth - exactly how many customers will not buy somewhere as a result of stories they’ve heard from their friends or someone they know…

About 51% of consumers who hear a negative story from a friend or someone they know will actually not shop at that store.

ERICA JOHNSON: That’s a lot.

PAULA COURTNEY: It is and it was surprising because in our research, typically we project a 2% factor… So to find out that it was actually 51% actually quite surprised us.

ERICA JOHNSON: That must make companies shake in their boots.

PAULA COURTNEY: It’s interesting, because I don’t think that companies really understand the magnitude or the power of referrals or negative referrals. A lot of people think that if you have a positive experience, you’re going to share that with others - and the actual fact is you’re not…

What’s happening is we are being much more influenced over our friends’ negative experiences than we are by slick ads or slick campaigns... So negative experiences impact our behavior.

ERICA JOHNSON: Of the people you talked to, how many actually had a problem?

PAULA COURTNEY: …On average, 40% of all consumers in our study reported at least 2 problems.

ERICA JOHNSON: Every time they made a purchase?

PAULA COURTNEY: Correct…

ERICA JOHNSON: That seems like a huge problem, if 40% of people are reporting this.

PAULA COURTNEY: Yes, it is. In fact, what we find is about 14% of a company’s revenue is at risk as a result of problems that customers experience…

ERICA JOHNSON: Because they might not come back?

PAULA COURTNEY: That’s right, they won’t come back... Customers do follow through on negative intentions. When a customer says 'I won’t buy from that place again,' they don’t. They likelihood of them following thru on that negative intention is much greater…

‘Having to wait’ tops list of complaints

The top most frequently mentioned problem that consumers reported was having to wait… We hate to wait to pay for our merchandise; we hate to wait in line for staff to help us. We hate looking for parking. We hate waiting for someone to help us find the product or the merchandise that we’re looking for.

The biggest category of issues that consumers reported in our study were problems with frontline staff:

  • customer service staff not being eager to help
  • customer service staff not being helpful or courteous
  • most important, in terms of spreading the most negative word of mouth is customer service staff not having the knowledge about the product and services that the company is selling.

ERICA JOHNSON: Why is that happening?

PAULA COURTNEY: The answer is complex. There are lots of reasons why. Companies are cutting back. Lots of big box retailers are coming in from the United States. There’s huge competition in Canada, so retailers are feeling the squeeze in terms of price and margins.

One of the biggest areas to cut back tends to be … customer service staff, which is the most important influence for customer loyalty and customer retention.

In Ontario in particular, consumers are most likely to complain about poor service from frontline staff. Just as there’s lots of competition for consumers, there’s lots of competition for employees. They can go somewhere else if they don’t like the job that they’re in. So we’re seeing huge turnover and that’s impacting the level of knowledge and experience that frontline people have…

Customers don’t complain that there’s nobody there because there’s nobody to complain to. So they’re just going to leave. That’s what our study found, that very few customers will actually complain to the organization about the problem that they had.

ERICA JOHNSON: Why are we reluctant to complain? Why don’t we speak out more?

PAULA COURTNEY: 1st: they flee; they believe it’s not worth the time or the trouble. Their problem was small.

2nd: they don’t believe that complaining will do any good. 'You’ve told me, Mr. Company, that you don’t care about customer service, so what’s the likelihood that you’re going to care about my concern, little old me, consumer?'

3rd: they don’t know who or where to complain to. There isn’t an obvious place; there isn’t an obvious desk. There isn’t a clear phone number. Most organizations have multiple 1-800 numbers listed in the phone book, multiple locations. Which number do I call? Our studies show that the more places you give consumers to contact, the more confused they are about where they should contact, if they have that problem.

Frontline staff: Second major complaint

ERICA JOHNSON: One of the biggest things people are frustrated with is having to wait. What else--

PAULA COURTNEY: Frontline staff not being helpful or courteous is one of the most frequently cited problems...

ERICA JOHNSON: You found frontline staff that are rude?

PAULA COURTNEY: Yes. Rude, unhelpful… and I think that the fault lies in the companies. Are we hiring the right fit for frontline people? We call it ‘fit for vision.’ You have to have the right kind of person who’s predisposed to be handling customer issues, who’s got patience, who actually says 'hello' before asking you for your account number or your credit card. Just little things like that.

ERICA JOHNSON: How much choice do companies have these days? When companies are paying people minimum wage, it’s hard to hold on to people.

PAULA COURTNEY: Why are we paying these people minimum wage? A lot of executives pay lip service, saying the most important function in our company is the frontline staff, but they’re the people that we train the least and pay the least. They are the window and the door to your customers.

ERICA JOHNSON: Tell me about the big box culture. Have you noticed a decline in customer service in direct proportion to the increase of big box stores?

PAULA COURTNEY: It would seem that way. However, I have no research data to back up that, so I’m not really certain. I can say that companies are more squeezed, that companies feel the pressure, that competition is more intense than it ever has been. It’s not just because of the big box retailers coming into Canada from the U.S. Online purchases have created a new avenue of competition for retailers.

ERICA JOHNSON: A big beef we’ve heard from our viewers is ‘I’m so tired of going into a store and there’s no one around to help. I’m in a huge store. Where’s the customer service?’ Did you hear that?

PAULA COURTNEY: Absolutely. What we’re finding is that’s a huge category of problems. ‘There is nobody around to help me. There’s nobody around to serve me, let alone help me find the product that I’m looking for.’ That is a big problem for consumers.

ERICA JOHNSON: If you can’t find what you want to buy, the company’s losing money.

PAULA COURTNEY: That’s right… The bottom line is your frontline staff are your company’s first impression. And consumers have choices. They will walk with their feet if they don’t get the kind of service that they feel they should expect. I think the good news story is that organizations don’t have to spend millions of dollars to fix some of the problems that consumers are screaming about.

ERICA JOHNSON: What’s needed?

PAULA COURTNEY: We need a major attitude adjustment in organizations, that the frontline is important. We need to tell our frontline staff that they need to demonstrate appreciation for that customer’s business.

The experience they create for customers can be a lasting gone, from two perspectives, a positive lasting one, when customers will come back, or a lasting one because that customer’s going to tell 10 other people about that experience and they won’t come back.

The importance of complaining

ERICA JOHNSON: Why is it important for consumers to complain?

PAULA COURTNEY: I think that if consumers want a higher level of service, if they want to be treated quickly and with frontline staff that have knowledge and expertise to serve them, then it pays for them to complain.

We all benefit by complaining. We benefit because hopefully retailers and other companies get the lesson… The bottom line is so that companies improve the kind of service that consumers are experiencing today. So that we as consumers aren’t aggravated, that we don’t deal with the problems that we deal with when we go and buy something.

ERICA JOHNSON: Will it really make a difference if people complain?

PAULA COURTNEY: Yes. I think absolutely it will make a difference. It makes a difference if we complain in the right way and that if we all complain companies will eventually get it.

ERICA JOHNSON: What’s the right way to complain?

PAULA COURTNEY: The Verde Group would advise consumers what they should do in order to have an effective complaint - and this is a tough one - but to stay calm and very polite… It’s tough if you’re very frustrated and the problem that you had is significant. But remaining calm and remaining courteous is the surest way to be heard.

Should you shout it out?

ERICA JOHNSON: But we’ve heard the squeaky wheel that gets the grease. The louder and madder you get in the store, the more quickly the store tries to appease you.

PAULA COURTNEY: And often that is true. However, it’s not necessarily the best resolution that you’re getting – and you’re not taken seriously. I think a lot of customers that use foul language, that are yelling and screaming, do nothing to help their issue. In fact, all they do is create defensiveness in the frontline staff person…

ERICA JOHNSON: But if that’s what gets results?

PAULA COURTNEY: It doesn’t. We think it does, but there are companies who have integrity and values and will tell that consumer you'll get nothing if you don’t lower your voice and treat my frontline person with courtesy and respect.’

There are companies who will sometimes insist that that customer leave… or sometimes the police will be called. They get nothing and they could get slapped with a harassment suit or even assault. Especially if it’s an airline – the smallest thing can verge on assault if you physically threaten by waving your hands. Airlines are especially sensitive these days about that kind of behavior. It just doesn’t work.

And Erica, it doesn’t pay to be a jerk. It never does. You may get that free coupon today, but tomorrow you may be escorted by a security guard out the store…

So not yelling and not screaming is the most effective way to issue a complaint. And get your facts straight. I think the most important thing that consumers can do is to be very specific about their issue. What exactly happened? Use dates, times, record people’s names that you spoke with. Be very objective and be very logical in lodging your complaint…

If you’re in a restaurant and your soup’s cold – you don’t have to follow a formal complaint process. But if you’ve made a major transaction, you’ve gone through frontline and you’ve escalated and you’re not getting the help that you need… then that’s the kind of formal process where you need to be very clear on your details.

I’m not saying that the burden is on the consumer to detail everything and prepare a legal case for why you should be taken care of. But just be objective and courteous. And every time you escalate, recognize and acknowledge all the positive things that that company has done to try to help you.

ERICA JOHNSON: Don’t just focus on the bad. If someone is helpful, mention that?

PAULA COURTNEY: Absolutely. It validates you as a customer and your complaint. Ideally, we should just be able to say, ‘Look, I’ve had this experience and you should do something about it.’

But the reality is that there aren’t the resources in place to equip frontline staff to deal with those concerns or issues.

So what can we do? Use the frontline person as an advocate. Use them to help you get the resolution that you’re looking for – instead of being confrontational, instead of getting their backs up and creating a ‘you-vs.-them.’

ERICA JOHNSON: Anything else that could help empower a consumer trying to get resolution?

PAULA COURTNEY: Yes. Definitely escalating to head office.

ERICA JOHNSON: You’ve gone to the top honcho. You’re still unhappy.

PAULA COURTNEY: The last thing is absolutely don’t come back to that store again. If that company hasn't benefited from the gift of your complaint, you’ve been professional and courteous all the way up the ladder - and they’re still not doing anything, then never come back.

But make sure that you tell the most senior person that you're never going to come back, that you've spent $2,000 in their store and maybe you’ve made $10,000 worth of purchases last year and you'll never come back.

And not only will you not come back, but you’re going to tell 10 or 20 other people about that story and you’re going to encourage those 10 or 20 people never to visit their store as well.

You've just lost yourself a customer and I’m probably worth thousands of dollars to you. And not only am I not coming back, I’m going to tell 10 or 20 of my friends and tell them not to come back.'

Because if the company can’t learn from the gift of your complaint, they need to learn through lost revenue and sales…

ERICA JOHNSON: What are some of the things that companies have done to try to avoid customer service?

PAULA COURTNEY: Some companies just can't manage the workload of incoming calls into their call centre, for example. So what they’ll do is they’ll just reduce the number of lines that they have available for consumers to contact. We call that ‘blocking calls.’ So rather than a consumer getting through and getting either a voicemail system with various options or a live agent to take their call, they’re going to hear a busy signal.

If you hear a busy signal as a consumer you’re just going to hang up. You’re not going to stay on the line. There’s no use. And you’re going to hang up and probably not call again…

The 1st thing that a company needs to do is to reduce the number of problems that your customers experience.

So how do you do that? You first have to know what problems that they’re experiencing and you do that by asking customers.

The 2nd thing is you need to encourage customers to contact you when they have a problem.

So how do you do that? You set up a clear channel for them to contact. You don’t give them 10 choices; you give them one. You make it very clear for them to know where exactly they should go when they have a problem. You encourage them to contact by soliciting their feedback on a regular basis.

And the third thing that we encourage our clients to do is to have an effective contact resolution process.

Now, notice I said “contact” and not “complaint.” Contacts are gifts. The more interaction, the more stickiness that a client has for the company the more likely we are to retain them.

ERICA JOHNSON: More and more people feel that customer service is just going out the window. But is that something that you’ve actually validated? Have you measured that customer service is dropping off?

PAULA COURTNEY: Yes we have, Erica. The Verde Group does research. For the last 15 years we’ve been collecting customer data. We have a database that tracks over 100,000 customer experiences. And every 5 years we aggregate all the studies that we’ve done to sort of look at trends.

The last amalgamation that we did was from the year 2000 to 2004 and that 4 year period is remarkably different from the preceding 4 year period. Service has gotten worse. Customers are now less satisfied with organizations when they have problems… So we’re seeing a huge growth in the amount of money that’s now being lost as a result of poor service.

Concretely and absolutely quantifiably, service is getting worse. It’s getting worse in Canada, it’s getting worse in the U.S. as well.

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Reminiscing Into The Past Makes You Dissatisfied With The Present
 
It has become habitual for the elders to slip into the past and reminisce about the happy moments they enjoyed in their youth, but psychologists warn that such frequent reminiscing of the past could make you dissatisfied with the present.

This phenomenon becomes a problem when an elderly relative starts living completely in the past and ignores the present. While some might welcome a break from older relatives repeating boring old yarns, it is not a normal symptom of aging.

People who are unhappy with their surroundings might find it easier to retreat into the past. Studies have shown that older people with a positive self-image and perception of others enjoy the present more.

Indeed, there are many reasons why the past is so important to many senior citizens.

"As one ages, one is more physically limited, not as mobile and has problems seeing and hearing," says Jochen Tenter, specialist in clinical geriatry.

For many, life becomes less exciting. Lacking stimulus, people tend to focus on their inner life. "They can rely on that. It is dependable and no one can take it away," explains Tenter.

Society also often contributes to the problem.

"Elderly people are often marginalized because they cannot participate in life as actively as young people," observes Georg Adler, director of the Central Institute of Mental Health in Mannheim, Germany.

"If older people are fully valued and taken seriously, then they go about their lives and the present day much more positively. Memories and old stories are not necessarily bad," states Ursula Lehr, gerontologist and honorary chairwoman of the Federal Working Group on Seniors' Organizations (BAGSO) in Bonn.

"Many people begin to take account of their lives as they get old, and that dredges up a lot of memories," explains Lehr. It only becomes problematic for children and grandchildren when the same stories are told over and
over again and only a proactive approach will help.

"If you are really interested in the stories, ask for details. That makes it more interesting for the storyteller," suggests Tenter.

"A person repeats everything if he gets no feedback," explains Lehr. Instead, annoyed relatives should make it clear whether they already know the stories.

It would be better to say, "You have told me that so often already," advises Tenter.

Instead of living silently in the past, older people should seek contact with the younger generation. "Inter-generational contacts are advisable to put a stop to the past-oriented thinking," said Tenter. Additionally, it has been shown that contacts with unfamiliar people are also helpful.

"That way you get new impressions and maybe get to play a new role."

Psychologists and gerontologists also recommend that middle-aged people should be sure to maintain contacts and keep their spirits up. "That can mean games, dancing, sports or advanced crossword puzzles," recommends Tenter.

Further, Lehr says that elderly should keep themselves abreast of current affairs. "Old people should read a newspaper, watch the news, make dates and then discuss it all."

However, old stories should not be lost under any circumstances. "Young people should ask older people to write down their experiences and impressions," advises Lehr.

After all, telling old stories from old times is not just an expression of boredom or dissatisfaction.

--Edited IANS
    Date:4/1/2006

    source site:
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    Aesthetic Realism seminar:
    A Woman's Dissatisfaction: 
    Can It Be Beautiful?
    By Lynette Abel

    Dissatisfaction is something everyone has every day simply by being alive. And I've learned from Aesthetic Realism this crucial thing: there are 2 kinds of dissatisfaction:

    • one that is beautiful
    • the other that is ugly 

    All the finest things mankind has gotten to in science and art, in communication - arose from beautiful dissatisfaction: a quest for greater expression, fairness and respect for people and the world. 

    Dissatisfaction that is ugly arises from the feeling - one I had cultivated - that nothing is good enough for us, that we're surrounded by inferior people in a cold, insensitive world. 

    This is contempt and while it seem to satisfy the self as superior, Aesthetic Realism shows it's poison, the most hurtful, debilitating thing in us and makes us loathe ourselves. 

    In his lecture "Aesthetic Realism and Dissatisfaction," of 1949, Eli Siegel explains: 

    The temptation to be satisfied with nothing and to forget what we've been satisfied with is around all the time, because if we can feel that we're dissatisfied with everything, we become the Robinson Crusoes of our own glorious big island and small island." 

     

    This describes what I felt so often in the years before I knew Aesthetic Realism and I also felt lonely and that life was passing me by. 

     

    The Fight in a Girl between Two Kinds of Dissatisfaction

    Growing up in the 1950's, I loved to explore the beautiful woods behind our house. One day I saw a newly hatched bird fall from its nest; and the motion of its little heart showed through its transparent body.  I couldn't bear to leave it and brought it home. There was much I didn't know but I felt compelled to learn all I could to take care of it. 

    The first thing I found out was, contrary to what I thought, that birds ate very little, was they eat about 3 times their body weight a day!  Each day the neighborhood children would bring us worms they had found for this little bird. I felt a deep, happy satisfaction as it grew all it's feathers in about 3 weeks and thrived. 

    I also loved the tap dance lessons I began taking. Years later, I would learn from Aesthetic Realism that tap dancing is so satisfying because it puts together opposites: order and freedom, precision and wildness are given beautiful form, opposites I was looking to put together in myself, growing up amid much commotion in our home of 6 very active children. 

    But I became dissatisfied with tap, as I did with ballet, piano lessons and clarinet. If things didn't come easily, I soon became dissatisfied and would just up and quit.  In his lecture Mr. Siegel writes of the fight in every person: 

    We want to think that things have meaning, but something also wants us to think that nothing matters at all.... As soon as we have pleasure in finding things wrong, we're really in the dull devil's camp and many people do that. If they kept on being satisfied they'd lose their own importance, so they arrange, unconsciously, to be dissatisfied

     

    Though I felt ashamed, I preferred the contemptuous "pleasure in finding things wrong," thinking the more I didn't like things, the more distinguished I was - from removing every onion, green pepper and mushroom from the spaghetti sauce my mother had prepared, to being displeased with every person I knew. 

    Other people, I thought, were so easily satisfied, I had better taste, was harder to please and therefore was more sensitive. Meanwhile, I wasn't sensitive to the feelings of my parents or my 5 brothers and sisters. 

     

    I  was selfish and sulky a lot of the time. But this unjust dissatisfaction with things I've seen packs a wallop. As a young woman others might have thought was fortunate, this wasn't what I felt. These are lines I wrote in high school, like many I wrote years after, in which I saw myself as good and as hurt in cruel, unfeeling world: 

     

    Rejection from the beginning 
    Plagued the child's destined life. 
    . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 
    Sadness and misery were characteristic 
    Although goodness bloomed from this child's heart. 
     . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
     This child is not tolerated,
     But completely
    alone in his world. 
     . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  . . . 
     Society is
    ignorant of this child. 
     There will never be a point of
    understanding.... 

     

    In using that word never I was changing a possibly true dissatisfaction - not being known - into a dull victory for myself.  How I needed to know what Aesthetic Realism so kindly teaches, that my happiness depended on being beautifully dissatisfied with my own injustice to people and to the world. 

     

    What Mr. Siegel writes in the lecture describes and criticizes the hurtful choice I was making: 

    Persons would rather be dissatisfied with the world than unconsciously dissatisfied with what they take to be themselves. 

    In a choice between changing something in themselves and therefore thinking they've done something wrong, or finding misery from the world - there's a tendency to say, "I'd rather have myself and be miserable than change what I am and find more accurate pleasure in the world." 

    Dissatisfaction in Love

    Like many women, I thought the greatest satisfaction in life would come from the admiration and love of a man. Through these, all my unhappiness, complaints I had about other people and my own self-doubt would melt away. 

    It was the late 60's and I envisioned living up in the mountains somewhere with a nice vegetable garden and a man devoted to making me happy

    When at age 20 I met Mark Statler, I hoped he would be the one.  Mark was good-looking and very flattering. This was love: two people seeing each other as wonderful, more important than anything else.  On a birthday card he sent me were these words: "Once in a lifetime, you find someone special; I've found that once in a lifetime with you."  And he added: 

    "You always cut yourself down, saying that you're not that good of a person and have a lot of short comings....This isn't true.  You have so much going for you....Anything you want babe is yours for the asking."

     

    This was what I had wanted to hear from a man!  But I had some qualms. On the one hand I felt set up, thrilled, but on the other I felt Mark was foolish - the person he wrote this to was hardly me. 

     

    Instead of trying to be honest about what I felt, I had contempt for him - I pretended to be pleased and flattered him in return, but I became increasingly dissatisfied as days went on. 

     

    "Why?" I thought, "hadn't Mark asked me to marry him, if he finds me "so special"? 

     

    At college, I decided to date other men secretly.  Part of me thought this was the greatest satisfaction - having several men desirous of me at the same time, but my whole self was intensely dissatisfied.  I felt so low I could hardly drag myself through classes. But while I tried to convince myself Mark would be the answer to all my pain, distrust and anger grew between us and our relationship ended bitterly.

     

    Unjust & Beautiful Dissatisfaction in a Famous Woman in Literature 

    I comment now on aspects of the character, Beatrix, from the historical 1852 novel, Henry Esmond by the important English author William Makepeace Thackeray.  Beatrix illustrates vividly, dissatisfaction; so ordinary in its way, but which weakens and spoils a person's life. 

    Yet Beatrix is also a critic of herself and as the novel proceeds she shows dissatisfaction that is beautiful, strengthening, courageously in behalf of justice. I'll quote from a magnificent 1950 lecture Mr. Siegel gave titled "Aesthetic Realism and Thackeray's Henry Esmond. 

    In it, he shows how Thackeray deals honestly with the conflicts of people - children and parents, men and women, husbands and wives - between for and against, pretending and sincerity, selfishness and wanting to be kind

    It's the early 18th century at the time of Queen Anne. Henry Esmond is being brought up in the noble family of Castlewood, consisting of the Viscount of Castlewood, who, early on, is killed in a duel, his wife, Lady Castlewood and their 2 children, Frank and Beatrix. It's thought that Henry Esmond was born illegitimately, but he learns in time, that he is the rightful heir to the Castlewood estate, though he doesn't tell anyone. 

    Esmond is affected very much by both Lady Castlewood and Beatrix, her daughter, who, in the lecture, Mr. Siegel describes as "most radiantly beautiful and smart as a whip and selfish as a lizard and also as warm as the sun and as cold as an ice floe. She is somebody."

    There is this description by Thackeray of Beatrix as a child, illustrating the dissatisfaction I know from intimate experience, that goes on in a family: 

    "Beatrix, from the earliest time, was jealous of every caress which was given to her little brother Frank. She would fling away even from the maternal arms, if she saw Frank had been there before her;...She would turn...red with rage...; would sit apart and not speak for a whole night, if she thought the boy had a better fruit or a larger cake than hers;" 

     

    In "Aesthetic Realism and Dissatisfaction," Mr. Siegel explains "Where people insist on being dissatisfied, you can be sure that they have a conquering purpose."  This conquering purpose of wanting one's way at all costs is developing in Beatrix and shows in how she plays one parent off against another. 

     

    "One of the things in Thackeray's mind," Mr. Siegel pointed out "was the being able to see how people do go through a deep and ugly politics in family life." 

     

    Thackeray describes this in sentences that have "a style," Mr. Siegel said, "Thackeray is noted for...that winds and leaps gently and then grows flat and then rises again," Thackeray writes:

     

    She was the darling and torment of father and mother. She intrigued with each secretly and bestowed her fondness and withdrew it, plied them with tears, smiles, kisses, cajolements; - when the mother was angry...flew to the father and sheltering behind him, pursued her victim; when both were displeased,... watched until she could win back her parents' good graces, either by surprising them into laughter and good-humor, or appeasing them by submission and artful humility.... 

     

    In my first Aesthetic Realism consultation I began to understand the reasoning behind certain political choices I had made.  I was asked: "What do you think you did with your impression of your parents?  Do you think you came to any decisions as to how to be?" 

     

    I answered "Well, I knew if my mother criticized me, my father would side with me....It gave me power."  Cons.:  Did you feel your father was weak about you?  LA: Yes, I did.  Cons.  Did you feel all men would be?  LA: Yes, I did feel that.  

     

    This was the beginning of seeing how I'd used people to glorify myself, including seeing them as easily deceived, not worthy of respect.  And it was the beginning too of feeling my dissatisfaction with myself could be beautiful through honest self-criticism

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    The Insatiable Desire for Admiration Always Makes for 
    Dissatisfaction in Love

    Beatrix is growing up and Thackeray describes her: 

    "with cheeks mantling with health and roses: with eyes like stars shining out of azure, with waving bronze hair clustered about the fairest young forehead ever seen: and a mien and shape haughty and beautiful,...She had been a coquette from the earliest times...Whenever she sees a man, she makes eyes at him;" 

     

    Like myself of once and many women, Beatrix goes after what she thinks will satisfy her - unmistakable admiration and devotion from a man. Though she has had many men swooning over her, asking for her hand, "she had not chosen one for a husband." 

     

    Esmond, captivated by Beatrix, longs for her, flatters and kneels before her; he has even gone into the military hoping his position would raise him in her eyes. She has encouraged his attentions, but when Esmond questions Beatrix's flirtation with other men, she is incensed and says: 

     

    "I shall go my own way, sirrah,...and I don't want you on the way.  You might do if you had an estate....Do you think I'm going to live in a lodging, and turn the mutton at a string whilst your honour nurses the baby?  Fiddlestick.... " 

     

    This is ugly dissatisfaction - not in behalf of wanting a person stronger but in behalf of one's vanity. Thackeray's prose, however, gives the dreary content real style. 

    Beatrix decides she will marry a distinguished Scottish statesman, His Grace, the Duke of Hamilton.  Esmond is surprised but Beatrix explains why, Mr. Siegel said "[Esmond] hasn't got very far with her.  And," he says, "she is right": 

      "A woman of my spirit, cousin, is to be won by gallantry and not by sighs and rueful faces.  All the time you're worshipping and singing hymns to me, I know very well I'm no goddess and grow weary of the incense. So would you have been weary of the goddess too - when she was called Mrs. Esmond and got out of humour because she had not pin-money and was forced to go about in an old gown." 

     

    Meanwhile, Beatrix was soon to have married the Duke, but there is a duel and he is slain. 

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    A Woman's Dissatisfaction in Love Can Be Beautiful 

    In his lecture Mr. Siegel said: 

      "If a person doesn't like something and says, "I'm proud of how I don't like this," at that moment his dissatisfaction changes into satisfaction. To be dissatisfied truly is better than to be satisfied untruly. So dissatisfaction is an opposite that becomes one with satisfaction when we are proud of our dissatisfaction." 

     

    These sentences comment deeply on a speech of Beatrix which Mr. Siegel said was "one of the high points in all English expression."  In it she describes courageously her dissatisfaction with herself and as to love, speaks of something many women have done - pretending to be satisfied when they weren't. 

     

    Beatrix' says to Henry Esmond: 

    'Stay, Harry...'Hear a last word. I do love you, I do admire you - who would not, that has known such love as yours has been for us all?  But I think I have no heart; at least, I have never seen the man that could touch it and had I found him, I would have followed him in rags had he been a private soldier, or to sea.... I'd do anything for such a man, bear anything for him: but I never found one. You were ever too much of a slave to win my heart; even my lord Duke couldn't command it. I hadn't been happy had I married him. I knew that 3 months after our engagement - and was too vain to break it.  O Harry! I cried once or twice, not for him, but with tears of rage because I couldn't be sorry for him....I tried to love him; I tried, indeed I did: affected gladness when he came: submitted to hear when he was by me and tried the wife's part I thought I was to play for the rest of my days.  But half-an-hour of that complaisance wearied me and what would a lifetime be?  My thoughts were away when he was speaking and I was thinking, O that this man would drop my hand and rise up from before my feet!...I knew his great and noble qualities... But 'twas not for these I took him. I took him to have a great place in the world and I lost it.  I lost it and don't deplore him - and I often thought, as I listened to his fond vows and ardent words, O, if I yield to this man and meet the other, I shall hate him and leave him!" 

    I love what Mr. Siegel explained: what Beatrix is looking for, "which," he said "Thackeray doesn't say...but Aesthetic Realism does state: Beatrix wants to be known."  And he continued, "she'll take adoration and men on their knees...; but deep in her heart she says 'To hell with it....It's impossible," Mr. Siegel said "to love a person who doesn't know you."  

     

    Beatrix' ardent longing stands for what all men and women are hoping for - to know and to be known. And nothing meets this hope more fully than Aesthetic Realism. 

    I thank Ellen Reiss for questions I was so fortunate to hear in an Aesthetic Realism class when Michael Palmer and I first began to go out - encouraging me to know him and to be a good critic of myself. 

    "What do you want more," she asked "for Michael Palmer to respect himself or for him to show how wonderful you are?" and "Do you think if you're being embraced by Michael Palmer, it is a thrilling chance to know the world and a person and yourself or to get the sweeping honor you have been deprived of?" 

    To consciously choose knowing over vanity makes for pride and self-respect.  "To be in bliss, with our restless desire for improvement," said Mr. Siegel "is to put the opposites of self-satisfaction and self-questioning together." 

    In another class not long after we were married, as part of studying what good will is, Ellen Reiss encouraged greater accuracy and self-questioning in how I saw my husband. I had the tendency wives frequently have, to feel I knew my husband and how he could be better. 

    Ellen Reiss said: "The matter of seeing something as definite but also wanting not just to say 'Yes I see you, you exist,'  but wanting to see all the subtleties and delicacies of it, do you think this is a question you have in seeing Michael Palmer?" 

    "Yes," I answered.  And she asked "How are you doing?"  "I could do much better," I said.  And Miss Reiss explained "If you're going to have good will it's good to be firm and pointed...but it's also necessary to want to be complete and take in all that a self takes in.  This has to do with interpersonal relations but also historical things." 

    Later in the class she asked "If we're going to have good will do we have to see something wholly?  Does Lynette Abel have to say "I want to see what Michael Palmer really is wholly, all of him or "Gee he's my husband and I will be interested in selected parts to try to be kind? "  Will she be able to be kind if she doesn't want to see who Michael Palmer wholly is?" 

    Recently, Michael and I celebrated our wedding anniversary and my gratitude is boundless to Aesthetic Realism for the tremendous education we continue to receive. To know that with every year I can be deeper about who my husband is and through knowing him like the whole world more makes me proud

    The knowledge of Aesthetic Realism can enable our dissatisfaction to be beautiful, to be the same as good will "the desire to have something else stronger and more beautiful, for this desire makes oneself stronger and more beautiful." There is nothing more important for every person and nation to learn.  

    U of M study shows teen body dissatisfaction predicts use of behaviors that can lead to poor health
     
    Adolescents who feel dissatisfied with their bodies are at higher risk for future binge eating, smoking, poor eating, and decreased physical activity, according to new research from the University of Minnesota School of Public Health.

    A study published in the August 2006 issue of the Journal of Adolescent Health found lower levels of body satisfaction among teenagers can predict the use of unhealthy weight control habits, which can lead to weight gain and poorer overall health.

    Teenage girls who weren't satisfied with their bodies were more likely to binge eat, participate in less physical activity, eat less fruits and vegetables, take diet pills, and induce vomiting five years later.

    Adolescent boys with low body satisfaction were also more prone to these unhealthy habits and more likely to start smoking in the future. In contrast, teenagers with a positive body image were more likely to take care of themselves through healthy eating and exercise.

    "This study shows that teens who have negative feelings about their bodies don't turn to healthy weight management," said Dianne Neumark-Sztainer, Ph.D., M.P.H., R.D., lead author and professor of epidemiology at the University of Minnesota School of Public Health.

    "Instead, they use weight control behaviors that put them at a higher risk for obesity and poor health down the road. With this in mind, interventions with teens should strive to boost self-confidence so they will want to take care of themselves the right way."

    Researchers conducted a longitudinal study of over 2,000 adolescents to examine changes in eating patterns and weight status after five years. Subjects completed two Project EAT: Eating Among Teens surveys one in 1999 and one in 2004 - to determine if those who reported low body satisfaction are at an increased risk for obesity and eating disorders.

    Project EAT: Eating Among Teens was designed to investigate the factors influencing eating habits of adolescents.

    source site: click here

    Stop Hating Your Body!

    by Terese Katz

    How many women do you know who think their bodies are just fine the way they are? The sad fact is that we live in a world in which it has become normal for women to dislike their bodies, a world in which even healthy 8 year-old girls may worry about their size and shape.

    The irony, of course, is that women today are doing more than ever before at home and at work and as a group, are living longer and healthier lives. Given their many achievements and advantages, this degree of self-criticism among women seems unwarranted. Where does it all come from? What does it cost us? Can we change it?

    Why Are So Many Women Dissatisfied with Their Bodies?

    The reasons behind the dissatisfaction (if not hatred!) many women experience toward their own bodies are varied and complex.

    Since time began, women’s bodies have been important not only to themselves, but to those around them. Men have always been keenly interested in the female body, not only for sexual pleasure, but also for the opportunity to sire offspring and produce heirs.

    Children literally depend on women’s bodies for life and for nurturance. Women themselves are acutely attuned to their menstrual cycles and their reproductive capacities over the life span.

    And yet, today, more than ever before, women are also keenly aware of other women’s bodies and idealized images so highly prized in American culture. You can't turn around without exposure to depictions of very thin, “flawless,” often highly sexualized women. They’re virtually everywhere, bombarding every woman throughout the day.

    What many women may not fully appreciate, however, is that many of the faces and bodies plastered on magazine covers, television screens, movie posters and billboards are maintained through unhealthy or unnatural means. In more and more cases, too, the mages are literally impossible to attain - because they're computer-generated!

    Legs are made longer or thinner, imperfections air-brushed away and the beautiful face and form “manufactured” through a composite of “perfect” parts from several different women.

    Women with more ordinary attributes may experience relief in knowing that not even the models can look this “perfect.” Nevertheless, many of us hold such images in our own minds as the standard against which we measure our own beauty.

    Some writers have observed that these stringent standards for female beauty coincide with the increase in women’s power and presence in the outside, “man’s” world. Maybe there is some pull or pressure - whether conscious or not - to keep women “in their place.”

    And setting unhealthy, unattainable standards for appearance has the potential to disempower many women across the life span and cultural spectrum.

    Another aspect of body dissatisfaction may be rooted in the fact that women’s bodies have always been more vulnerable than men’s and subject, in some situations, to unwanted sexual intrusions.

    When intrusions occur, a woman can feel less in control of her body, more “dirty” or used and may need to distance herself from her body. This is certainly not the case for every woman with body dissatisfaction, but these factors do contribute to many women’s problems with self-esteem and body image today.

    Body Dissatisfaction Takes Its Toll

    The costs of body dissatisfaction and hatred can be very high. Eating disorders can flourish in such an environment. Cruelty and prejudice against fat people go unchecked as well. The self-esteem of women and girls suffers greatly and sometimes permanently.

    Jean Kilbourne, creator of the videos Killing Us Softly: Advertising's Image of Women (Media Education Foundation, 1979) and Slim Hopes: Advertising and the Obsession with Thinness (Media Education Foundation, 1995), points out that when women (and girls, too, unfortunately) are asked what they most wish for, the vast majority say “to lose weight” - not to make lots of money, have love in their lives, be successful, or have the world at peace.

    She calls this a tragic “failure of imagination.” Meanwhile, the diet industry continues to make millions and millions of dollars each year, thriving on self-hatred and fostering false hopes and unrealistic dreams.

    Imagine what the world would be like if women felt secure and comfortable in their bodies, appreciated their individual talents and strengths and laughed heartily at the impossible, unrealistic images that bombard them. I think we would notice differences in such a generation of women, both externally and more importantly, internally.

    Body image and feelings about the self aren't easy to change, but here are some measures that can help. Keep in mind that any steps you take, no matter how small, will move you that much closer to your final goals of feeling more comfortable with yourself and your body.

    • Learn more about this widespread problem. I highly recommend Jane R. Hirschmann and Carol H. Munter’s book, When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies: Freeing Yourself from Food and Weight Obsession (Fawcett Books, 1997). It's hard to think in the same way about these issues after reading it.

    They do a nice job in particular with ideas about managing “bad body thoughts.” Other good books are also available - check out the catalog available through www.bulimia.com for more titles, or visit Hirschmann and Munter’s Web site at www.overcomingovereating.com.

    • Make an ongoing effort to STOP talking about diets and “imperfect” body parts with your female friends. Consider talking to them instead about what you're doing with your life and why you're doing it.

    • When you catch yourself criticizing your body or what you’ve eaten, STOP, remind yourself that self-criticism is part of this syndrome and shift your attention elsewhere; repeat as necessary.

    • Get help if you suspect or know that you have an eating disorder. There are several articles on this site that describe these life-threatening conditions.

    • Challenge media images - to yourself and out loud when with your family, children and friends. Write and complain if you see images you don’t like. Support products with advertisements that feature “normal” looking and/or “normally” sized people.

    • Set a good example for girls (and teach boys about these issues, too). Don't model obsessive dieting or self-criticism.

    • Start to appreciate your body’s various functions: how it walks, makes babies, stays healthy, sees and hears, etc.

    • Take good care of yourself. Learn to eat well (most of the time), get moderate exercise and enough sleep, give yourself treats occasionally and keep supportive people in your life.

    • Exercise and move your body for strengthening, health, pleasure and/or stress reduction. Avoid exercising in desperate, obsessive, or self-punishing ways.

    And, finally, remember: the great beauties of yesteryear - from Lillian Russell to Marilyn Monroe - would be considered FAT by today’s standards.

    Study Shows How Body Dissatisfaction Can Lead To Eating Disorders

    COLUMBUS, Ohio – Just being unhappy with their bodies isn't enough to lead most women into eating disorders - it takes additional factors, according to a new study.

    Women are more likely to have eating disorders when their body dissatisfaction is accompanied by other issues – most importantly, a tendency to obsessively examine their bodies and think about how they appear to others.

    The results of the study help clarify a long-running issue that has complicated the problem of identifying women at risk for eating disorders: while studies have shown body dissatisfaction is strongly related to the development of eating disorders, there are many women who express dissatisfaction with their bodies but who don’t have symptoms of disordered eating.

    Body dissatisfaction is so prevalent among women in our society that it isn’t very useful in identifying women who may have eating disorders,” said Tracy Tylka, author of the study and assistant professor of psychology at Ohio State Univ.’s Marion campus.

    About 3 to 8% of women have some type of eating disorder, but many women - maybe most women - are dissatisfied with their bodies. This study shows there are factors such as constant body monitoring that strengthen the relationship between body dissatisfaction and eating disorders and may help identify women at risk.”

    The research was published in a recent issue of the Journal of Counseling Psychology.

    In two related studies, Tylka tried to identify factors that strengthen the link between body dissatisfaction - a woman’s unhappiness about her overall body shape or about specific body parts such as stomach or thighs - and eating disorders.

    One study involved 304 college women and the other 373 women aged 17 to 58.

    The results showed “body surveillance” was the strongest factor that predicted which women with body dissatisfaction were likely to report symptoms of eating disorders.

    Body surveillance involves actions like continually looking at yourself in the mirror to see how you look,” Tylka said. “Women who do this tend to ignore their internal feelings and emotions and concentrate on their outward appearance. They think of their bodies as objects.”

    For example, some women may ignore their feelings of hunger because they're more concerned with how eating may affect how they appear to others, she said.

    Tylka discovered that another factor that strengthened the link between body dissatisfaction and eating disorders is neuroticism – a personality trait in which people tend to be anxious, nervous, worrying and insecure.

    The 3rd related factor was having a family member or friend who has an eating disorder.

    Women who have any of these 3 factors - coupled with body dissatisfaction - are the ones who may be most at risk for disordered eating, Tylka said.

    Knowing these moderating factors can help health professionals understand which women with body dissatisfaction may have a tendency toward problems with disordered eating,” she said.

    Dissatisfied Marriage Have a Bad Effect on the Health of Older Adults
     
    According to the study conducted by the researcher Dr. Debra Umberson it was found that a troubled marriage may speed the decline in health that comes with age. They have found a higher rate of heart disease among people who are dissatisfied with their marriage. This result of the latest study was published in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior.

    She also said that these health effects caused due to marital problems differ depending on age. Umberson chairs the sociology department at the University of Texas-Austin, said there are several reasons that older adults could be more vulnerable to marital woes, chronic stress being an important factor. Additionally older adults are more susceptible to these health effects due to age-related declines in immune function. Umberson and her colleagues focused on 1,049 men and women who were interviewed at three points over eight years and remained married throughout that time.

    Study participants answered questions on marital quality including whether their spouse made them feel loved and cared for and listened to their concerns, and whether they had frequent disagreements and conflicts. They were also asked to rate their physical health on a range from poor to excellent.

    In the end it was found that men and women who reported more marital strain reported a steeper decline in their health over time. But when the researchers separated study participants into three age groups those ages 30, 50 and 70 then it was found that only the oldest group showed negative health effects. Similarly, only older adults showed health benefits from a happy marriage. Umberson and her colleagues concluded that professional counseling is one of the best options for addressing marital woes.
     
    source site: click here

    Sexual Dissatisfaction in Marriage

     

    Sexual intimacy between husband and wife can be among the most satisfying benefits of marriage, yet many couples feel unfulfilled. Basic gender differences present a primary challenge.

    Add to that repeated excuses: “I’m not in the mood,” “I have a headache,” “We don’t have to have sex every night, do we?” - and it’s easy to feel rejected, insecure and frustrated.

    Honest communication is the starting point. Discovering the “why” behind sexual dissatisfaction can uncover the “how” for overcoming the marital bedroom blues.

    excerpted from Intimate Issues by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus


    The difference in the amount of time it takes for a man to achieve orgasm vs. a woman is a real one. A man usually needs about 2 or 3 minutes of stimulation to have an orgasm, but a woman generally needs 10 times that amount of time.

     

    Dr. John Gray, author of Mars and Venus in the Bedroom, says, "For a woman to experience the big 'O,' a man needs to place the 'O' after his 2 or 3 minutes, making it 20 to 30 minutes."1

    Orgasm is different for men than for women. A man's orgasmic feeling is centered primarily in his genitals. For a woman, orgasmic feelings begin in her genitals but send waves throughout the whole body and back to the genitals.

     

    When a man reaches "the point of no return," he must ejaculate. The house could be on fire, but his "fire" must be put out first! In contrast, a woman's orgasmic response can be broken even after it has begun. Countless wives know the frustration of being on the brink of orgasm when the baby cries or the phone rings and the edge of ecstasy is lost.

    Here are some other ways men and women differ when it comes to orgasms:

    • For most men, orgasm is instinctive. For most women it's learned.

    • Men climax easily during intercourse. Most women can't achieve orgasm without direct stimulation of the clitoris.

    • A man's climax generally lasts from 10 to 13 seconds. A woman's lasts from 6 to 60 seconds. 2

    • After orgasm, a man must have a recuperative period. A woman is capable of repeated orgasms with them coming minutes apart or in rapid succession.

    • During sex, a man's body releases oxytocin, a hormone thought to cause drowsiness, which makes him want to sleep.3 While a woman is relaxed after sex, she often wants to stay awake and talk or cuddle.

    • "Men have their peak orgasms between ages 18 to 20; women soar sexually in their 30's and 40's."4

    1. John Gray, Mars and Venus in the Bedroom (New York: HarperCollins, 1995), 63.
    2. Carolyn Hagan, “How to Make a Good ‘O’ Great,” Glamour, May 1998, 287.
    3. Hagan, “How to Make a Good ‘O’ Great,” 285.
    4. Hagan, “How to Make a Good ‘O’ Great,” 284.


    Excerpted from Intimate Issues. Copyright © 1999 Linda Dillow or Lorraine Pintus. Used by permission of WaterBrook Press, Colorado Springs, CO. All rights reserved

    Just Hold Me

    excerpted from Intimate Issues by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus

    Cuddling, for a woman, fills an emotional need. When a husband cuddles with his wife, he is saying, “I love you. You are important to me. I love being near you.” Sex, for a man, fills this same emotional need.

    When a wife makes love to her husband, she is saying, “I love you. You are important to me. I love being near you.” We women insist that our husbands share their emotions with us. Must we also insist that this sharing be verbal rather than physical?

    As women, we sometimes pooh-pooh physical needs because we are masters at dismissing our own physical needs. But we wouldn't dream of dismissing an emotional need. Emotional needs are so — valid!

    A man has a physical need for sex, but for him, sex also meets a deep emotional need. When you make love to your husband, you touch his soul & create an outlet of expression for his emotions. In essence, touching him enables him to get in touch with himself. Listen to Dr. John Gray's insight:

    Many times after having great sex with my wife, I realize that I had forgotten how beautiful the trees are in our neighborhood.

    I go outside & breathe in the fresh air & feel alive again. It isn't that I didn't feel alive in my work, but by connecting with my wife thru great sex, I can reawaken & bring to life my more sensual feelings that are easily forgotten in the focused pursuit of achieving my goals at work. In a sense, great sex helps me to stop & smell the flowers.1


    1. John Gray, Mars and Venus in the Bedroom (New York: HarperCollins, 1995), 63.

    Excerpted from Intimate Issues. Copyright © 1999 Linda Dillow or Lorraine Pintus. Used by permission of WaterBrook Press, Colorado Springs, CO. All rights reserved

    When Sex Isn't Satisfying

    by Greg Hartman

    Researchers differ on the very definition of the term sexual dissatisfaction. Does it mean a low frequency of intercourse? If so, does low frequency cause dissatisfaction or is dissatisfaction the cause of the low frequency? Is stress in the marriage a symptom of sexual dissatisfaction or its cause?

    Most studies have settled for beginning with a simple yes-or-no question: “Are you sexually satisfied in your marriage?” The rest of the questions then help researchers more accurately define just what sexual dissatisfaction is and how to treat it.

    Women seem to suffer more from sexual dissatisfaction in marriage than men, with the most common complaint being lack of desire and/or arousal.

    Figures on the percentage of marriages struggling with sexual dissatisfaction range from 35 to 60%. Most studies reveal difficulty in obtaining accurate figures; those suffering most from sexual dissatisfaction, researchers say, tend to be less willing to talk about it.

    In 2000, a comprehensive survey conducted by the University of Alabama Department of Health Services, correlated with more than a dozen similar studies, revealed several factors most often connected with sexual dissatisfaction, including:

    1. The overall quality of the marriage relationship and degree of emotional closeness. These factors are closely related to the perceived degree of satisfaction, especially for women.

    2. Partners' spirituality, especially what they believe is God's view of sex. Those who believe sex was designed for procreation only or that sex for pleasure alone is sinful are more often sexually dissatisfied.

    3. Consistency of orgasm for either partner. Although women often view an orgasm as less important than overall intimacy and emotional closeness, consistent difficulty in reaching orgasm for either partner lowers sexual satisfaction.

    4. Frequency of intercourse. Although researchers don't agree whether infrequent intercourse causes dissatisfaction or is the result of dissatisfaction, infrequent intercourse and dissatisfaction tend to go hand-in-hand.

    5. Noncoital sexual activity. Those who devoted more time to foreplay reported more overall satisfaction.

    6. Age. Age tends to increase overall dissatisfaction or satisfaction, depending on the state of other issues. If other factors in this list result in lower satisfaction, satisfaction goes down even more with age. If satisfaction is high, it tends to be even higher with age.1

    Other less-common factors can lower sexual satisfaction, including:

    • A past history of sexual abuse

    • Menopause

    • Overall physical health

    • Side effects from medications

    • Satisfaction or dissatisfaction with physical appearance, especially weight

    • Pelvic inflammation or other health problems caused by STDs

    • The partners' sexual histories prior to marriage

    • Drug or alcohol addiction, and

    • Exposure to certain toxic chemicals.

    Last updated October 2004

    1. Young, Michael; Denny, George; Young, Tamera; Luquis, Raffy. “Sexual Satisfaction Among Married Women,” American Journal of Health Studies. Study conducted by University of Alabama Department of Health Sciences, 2000. Found on LexisNexis.

    Copyright © 2002 Focus on the Family

    Unhappy in Bed

    by Lynn North

    Before I got married, I assumed sex would be great. Most people do. My parents were very affectionate with one another and did a good job of explaining the gift of married sex. Now that I’m married, however, I hear from friends that not all couples feel that way.

    When he’s not in the mood

    Lisa, a friend from college, got married in her 30's. Though sexually active in her late teens, she spent the better part of a decade abstaining from sex and presumed her “secondary virginity” would pay off in a healthy sex life with her husband. Marrying a virgin made it seem even more likely.

    But to hear her talk, it’s far from ideal. “I have so much more of a sex drive than he does and it’s really tough. He’s reluctant to talk about it and I’m just frustrated and lonely.” Married for 3 years, things haven’t improved and their challenges have grown.

    By their first anniversary, Lisa and Brad were expecting. Once the baby arrived, Lisa could honestly say, “Brad’s a very loving husband and wonderful father.” But their sexual disconnect continued. Despite their overall struggles with intimacy, Lisa got pregnant again when their newborn was just 2 months old.

     

    After his arrival - and two back-to-back pregnancies - she was eager to express herself physically. “Though my body’s not back to what it was, I’m so ready to be intimate with Brad,” she admitted. “But he’s just not interested. I don’t know what to do.”

    Though doing her best to find help, the dearth of information about low libido in men simply adds to her frustration. “Everything I read points to the woman as the sexual non-aggressor, the one with the headache, the one who’s too tired. What’s wrong with us?”

    The past gets in the way

    Another friend has the opposite problem. Meg’s dissatisfaction is more typical: Her husband wants a lot of sex and she wants little. “I really love my husband,” she says, “but sometimes I hate it when he kisses me; sometimes I actually hate it when he touches me.”

    Part of her struggle is hormonal. “Just 3 months after we were married, I got pregnant and my hormones started raging.” After 4 ˝ years of marriage, she and Justin have two toddlers and are expecting number three. Add to that one miscarriage and there have been only four months since their wedding when she was neither pregnant nor nursing.

    Now that the kids are here, Meg gives the bulk of her affection to them. “I give so much to the kids physically and emotionally that a lot of times I don’t have anything left for Justin at the end of the day. Often, I can’t see sex as a need because I don’t need it, or not that much. I’ll think to myself, I don’t believe you. How can you need it so much?

    The hardest thing for Meg to overcome, however, is her past. She grew up in a conservative Catholic home, but that didn’t stop her brothers from displaying pornographic pictures on their walls and “reading” Playboy magazines. Worse, her parents knew and didn’t stop it. When Meg started dating, her mom encouraged her to come on to guys “or they won’t like you.” “That got me into trouble,” says Meg. Not the least of which was being raped by a guy she dated - a police officer.

    Like Lisa, Meg would like to fix her problem. “I feel like I’m a failure as a wife; it affects Justin’s mood. When it’s been too long since our last encounter, he gets grumpy and irritable, almost like having PMS. But when we have sex, he’s a different person, he’s content.

    I’m tempted to believe sex is all guys care about and I think it’s way too important to them. I don’t like to see that it makes Justin go from grumpy to elated. But I know his needs aren’t just physical. When I’m sexually available to him, he feels accepted. It fills up his love bank. I really have to keep in mind that my love for him needs to be expressed this way because this is important to him.”

    Thankfully, sexual dissatisfaction doesn't necessarily mean a relationship is doomed. Meg says, “This issue can be so divisive in marriage and I'm blessed that it isn't in mine. Justin and I rarely get angry at each other, but sex has probably been the one issue that has caused the most tension. I think we cope with it well because, despite my own insecurities about sexual image issues, I can always trust that Justin will take me seriously, respect me and place my best interests before his own.”

    The courage to face it

    My friend Kathryn didn’t realize she needed help till her husband brought it up. He mentioned that her idea of what was permissible in the marriage bed seemed to be shrinking. He was right. “It had gotten to the point that what I thought was OK was little more than the missionary position,” she recalls.

    He suggested counseling. “I didn’t want to go,” she admits. “I dreaded it because I knew I'd have to deal with issues in my past. But we both knew we were struggling. Neither one of us was happy with our sex life.”

    She agreed to go, but it wasn’t easy. Not only did they address painful issues, but their counselor suggested an unconventional course of treatment: sexual abstinence. “At the time, I thought Tim would be horrified. But he wasn’t, he simply said, ‘OK, we’ll do what we’ve got to do.’

    Our counselor explained that the purpose of abstinence is to remove the possibility of sex and therefore the tension so you can focus on other issues in the relationship. I was able to stop thinking, He’s just after sex. It removed the suspicion of why he acted a certain way. It also helped me realize that suspicion only exists in an unhealthy relationship.

    In a healthy relationship, having sex is just as natural as reaching out and holding hands when you’re in the mall. It’s an extension of your love. It flows out of you naturally. That flow for us was blocked by a lot of issues we both needed to deal with.”

    Kathryn also discovered a physical hurdle to sexual freedom. “After reading about low libido, I decided to get a doctor’s opinion. It turns out I had a testosterone deficiency.” This may come as a surprise to many women who don’t realize they have testosterone, too. “So many women think testosterone is a man’s hormone,” Kathryn says, “but men and women both have it and my body wasn’t producing enough.”

    After analyzing the results of a blood test, the doctor diagnosed a daily application of testosterone gel. “It’s a simple process. I just rub a measured amount of the gel into my skin as part of my morning routine. And it doesn’t cause any weird side effects. I don’t have a mustache or huge biceps. I’m still feminine.

    Our healing came through both treating my testosterone deficiency and being willing to look at deeper causes.” After 8 months of weekly sessions, Kathryn can say, “Counseling gave me freedom. We still have to work through occasional struggles like every couple, but now I’m free.

    I just want other women to know, you don’t have to settle. If your sex life isn’t good, don’t be satisfied. Get help.”

    A secret problem

    By now, you may have guessed that the names in this story are pseudonyms - even mine - because none of my friends wanted to be identified. Sexual dissatisfaction is too painful and too personal. It’s not something you want others to know about. But it’s also a very common problem and one that can improve, as Kathryn’s story shows.

     

    My friends have learned and are learning that through counseling and in some cases, medical intervention, healing is possible. Because sex is a vital part of a healthy marriage, it’s worth doing the work to get well.

    Copyright © 2003 Lynn North. Used by permission.

    Question and Answer

    Why are some men and women less sensual than others?

    Adult attitudes toward sexual relations are a function of genetics and conditioning during childhood and adolescence. It's surprising to observe how many otherwise well-adjusted people still think of married sex as dirty, animalistic or evil.

    Such a person who has been taught a one-sided, negative approach to sex during the formative years may find it impossible to release these carefully constructed inhibitions on the wedding night. The marriage ceremony is simply insufficient to reorient one's attitude from "Thou shalt not" to "Thou shalt - regularly - and with reat passion!" That mental turnabout isn't easily achieved.

    Let me address the other related factor. Not all differences in intensity of the sex drive can be traced to errors in childhood instruction. Human beings differ in practically every characteristic. Our feet come in different sizes, our teeth are shaped differently, some people eat more than others and some are taller than their peers.

    We're unique individuals. Accordingly, we differ in sexual appetites. Our intellectual "computers" are clearly programmed differently thru the process of genetic inheritance. Some of us "hunger and thirst" after our sexuality, while others take it much more casually. Given this variability, we should learn to accept ourselves sexually, as well as physically and emotionally.

    This doesn't mean that we shouldn't try to improve the quality of our sex lives, but it does mean that we should stop struggling to achieve the impossible - trying to set off an atomic bomb with a matchstick!

    As long as a husband and wife are satisfied with each other, it doesn't matter what popular magazines say their inadequacies happen to be. Sex in this culture has become a statistical monster. "The average couple has intercourse 3 times a week! Oh no! What's wrong with us? Are we undersexed?"

    A husband worries if his genitalia are of "average" size, while his wife contemplates her insufficient bustline. We are tyrannized by this preoccupation with sexuality. I hereby make a proposal: Let's keep sex in its proper place; sure, it's important, but it should serve us and not the other way around!

    Complete Marriage and Family Home Reference Guide

    Excerpted from Complete Marriage and Family Home Reference Guide by Dr. James Dobson, published by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. Copyright © 2000 James Dobson, Inc. All rights reserved.

     

    My wife will not respond to me sexually unless the circumstances are just right. It isn't enough for us to just enjoy each other physically. I have to talk to her and spend time with her before we even go to bed or else she is disinterested. Are other women like this?

     

    The majority are just like that. Sex for a woman isn't exclusively a physical experience. It must have a romantic element to satisfy her. Unless a woman feels a certain closeness to her husband at a particular time - unless she believes he respects her as a person - she may be unable to enjoy a sexual encounter with him.

     

    When she makes love in the absence of that romantic closeness, she often feels used. In a sense, her husband has exploited her body to gratify himself. Like your wife, she may either refuse to participate, or she will yield with reluctance and resentment.

     

    To the contrary, a man can come home from work in a bad mood, spend the evening slaving over his desk or in his garage, watch the eleven o'clock news in silence and finally hop into bed for a brief encounter. The fact that he and his wife have had no tender moments in the entire