Distancing

10 Steps Toward Distancing

Distancing is especially important in an emotional relationship gone wrong.

1) Stop asking new personal things of your partner about him / herself.

2) Don't give out personal things about yourself to them.

3) Don't bend over backward to celebrate any occasions that involve them.

4) Don't bend over backward to help them more than is necessary.

5) Don't help them if they or someone else can.

6) Avoid discussions that involve their lives, re: old topics.

7) Start to develop new activities that don't involve them.

8) Try to make new friends, acquaintances, anything.

9) Make small changes in your life: rearrange furniture, change decorations, try new soaps, ride your bike in a different route, eat at a different restaurant, eat different foods, cook them a different way, shop at different stores, rearrange the landscaping, change some of your habits, change the style of clothing you wear, etc.

10) If they ask favors of you, tell them you want time to think about it.

Dealing With Aloofs

Robert Elias Najemy

In the role of the aloof we distance ourselves from others, avoiding meaningful or honest emotional contact. In this way, we're less likely to be hurt or controlled by people's negative emotions, requests or demands.

1. We hide from the intimidator's attack, the interrogator's inquisition & the victim's complaints.

2. In addition to protecting ourselves by distancing ourselves & not expressing our feelings either positively or negatively, we also gain self-worth by making others seek out contact with us.

Some of us aloofs are secretly hoping that someone will approach us. We secretly desire their attention but can't get free from our role enough to approach them. The approached receives energy & affirmation from the one who approaches him seeking his or her company.

If the victim controls others thru their feelings of responsibility & guilt, the Aloof controls others thru their need for contact with or attention from him as he denies them attention & emotional exchange.

We can help the aloofs in our lives by first getting free from any ideas that they're not communicating with us because we've done something wrong. If they want to wear a long silent face, let them, they have the right to. Let them have the responsibility for the reality, which they chose to create. 

" I " message to an Aloof

We can then communicate with them perhaps something like this.

"Dear,

I have something important which I'd like to express to you & if you want to answer me that would be wonderful. There are times in which you are silent, inexpressive or even seem sad or angry.

At those times, when I don't know what you're feeling or thinking, I sometimes think that perhaps I've done something which has offended or hurt you, or perhaps you don't love me any more.

I also get into thinking that you don't have enough trust in me, or do not feel close enough to me so as to share with me what you're feeling. Then I begin to doubt my self-worth as a spouse (or perhaps parent or other role).

"When I see you like this & make those interpretations, then I sometimes approach you trying to find out what's happening. Sometimes you respond & others you don't. That bothers me even more. I feel hurt & believe that you don't care about me or our relationship.

"I now realize that it doesn't help to pressure you to communicate with me. I'm going to try to leave that to you. I just want you to know that I love you & I want & need to know more about what you're feeling & thinking, but that I'm going to leave that up to you. And if, in fact, I've done or do something that has offended or hurt you, I very much want to hear it. Don't protect me by not telling me if something I do bothers you.

"I will try to leave you all the space you need to feel from within if you want to communicate w/me more deeply.

"Do you have anything you would like to share with me at this time?"

Now let us look at a possible way to deal with an aloof person

"I would like to remember that he has a problem & is closed up because he fears being open. I want also to remember that I'm not to blame for this reaction. I want to remember that I'm worthy & safe & can solve my problems even if he never opens up.

I'll stop pressuring him & give him space to be alone so that he'll gradually begin to feel his own need for contact with me.

I'll explain to him that I need & want more communication but that I see the negative results of pressuring or nagging him about it. I'll also explain that I'll be overjoyed if he'd approach me when he feels the need to communicate more deeply, but that, until that time, I'm going to start taking responsibility for my needs & my life.

I'm going to stop feeling that I'm to blame for his silence & am going to start engaging in various activities which fulfill me & give meaning to my life. I'll also explain that I'd be very happy for him to partake in any of those activities with me, should he wish.

I'm going to stop waiting for him to open up & will start paying attention to my responsibilities, to my creativity, to my learning & growth process. I have so many other things in my life that can give me happiness. When he's in the mood, I'll enjoy my communication with him. 

Creating Intimacy, Creating Distance

At the RELATIONSHIP INSTITUTE, we believe every person in a relationship is responsible for co-creating whatever they experience in the relationship. 

If you're in a relationship, review the 2 lists below & see what you're creating more of:  intimacy or distance. If you want to create more intimacy, this list is a good guideline for how to do so behaviorally. 

If you're unable or unwilling to do the things on this list consistently, you may need help in learning how to do so, either thru Individual Therapy or Couples Therapy.

Factors Which Promote Intimacy & Connection Between Partners:

·         regular, consistent attention for one another & the relationship

·         respect for one another & the relationship

·         regular healthy verbal communication

·         regular physical contact (frequency & type mutually agreed upon)

·         frequent eye contact - passion, excitement & fun together

·         promotion of physical & emotional safety at all times

·         spontaneous surprises on occasion

·         regular expression of caring & tenderness as defined by your partner

·         regular expression of feelings

·         using conflict resolution skills when conflict emerges

·         creating regular time alone together, without distraction

·         anger & resentments expressed & resolved

·         realistic expectations which are regularly communicated

·         asking for what you want

·         saying &/or doing what is truthful & honest for you

·         being honest & straightforward with your partner

·         acceptance of your partner's personality & characteristics

·         promoting your partner's growth as an individual

·         taking responsibility for your relationship / life problems

·         understanding the impact of your family of origin on your relationship

·         taking the time to listen to what your partner thinks & feels

·         living in the present & envisioning a positive future together

·         emphasize solutions & positivism

Factors Which Promote Distance Between Partners:

·         lack of attention to one another & the relationship

·         lack of respect for one another & the relationship

·         lack of healthy verbal communication

·         lack of physical contact

·         lack of eye contact

·         lack of passion, excitement & fun together

·         verbal, physical &/or emotional abuse

·         predictable, routine interactions

·         few expressions of caring & tenderness

·         unexpressed feelings

·         avoiding conflict or avoiding resolution of conflict

·         avoiding time alone together

·         presence of unspoken or unresolved anger & resentment

·         unexpressed or unrealistic expectations & assumptions

·         being afraid to ask for what you want

·         saying &/or doing only what you think your partner wants

·         lying, deceiving, game playing, passive aggression

·         trying to change your partner's basic character

·         stifling your partners' growth as an individual

·         blaming your partner for most or all of your relationship / life problems

·         ignoring the impact of your family of origin on your relationship

·         assuming your know what your partner thinks & feels

·         living in the past

·         emphasize problems & negativity