Distancing
10 Steps Toward Distancing
Distancing is especially important in an emotional relationship gone wrong.
1) Stop asking new personal things of
your partner about him / herself.
2) Don't give out personal things about yourself to them.
3) Don't bend over backward to celebrate
any occasions that involve them.
4) Don't bend over backward to help them more than is necessary.
5) Don't help them if they or someone else can.
6) Avoid discussions that involve their lives, re: old topics.
7) Start to develop new activities that don't involve them.
8) Try to make new friends, acquaintances,
anything.
9) Make small changes in your life: rearrange furniture, change decorations, try new soaps, ride your bike in a different route, eat at a different restaurant, eat different
foods, cook them a different way, shop at different stores, rearrange the landscaping, change some of your habits, change the style of clothing you wear, etc.
10) If they ask favors of you, tell them you want time to think about it.
Dealing With Aloofs
Robert Elias Najemy
In the role of the aloof we distance ourselves from
others, avoiding meaningful or
honest emotional contact. In this way, we're less likely to be hurt or controlled by people's negative emotions, requests or demands.
1.
We hide from the intimidator's attack, the interrogator's inquisition & the victim's complaints.
2. In addition
to protecting ourselves by distancing ourselves & not expressing our feelings either positively or negatively, we also gain self-worth by making others seek out contact with us.
Some
of us aloofs are secretly hoping that someone will approach us. We secretly desire their attention but can't get free from our role enough to approach them. The approached
receives energy & affirmation from the one who approaches him seeking his or her company.
If the victim controls others thru their feelings of responsibility & guilt, the Aloof controls others thru their need for contact with or attention from
him as he denies them attention & emotional exchange.
We can help the aloofs in our lives by first getting free from any ideas that they're not communicating with us because we've done something wrong. If they want to wear
a long silent face, let them, they have the right to. Let them have the responsibility for the reality, which they chose to create.
" I " message to an Aloof
We can then communicate with them perhaps something like this.
"Dear,
I have something important which I'd like to express to you & if you
want to answer me that would be wonderful. There are times in which you are silent, inexpressive or even seem sad or angry.
At those times, when I don't know what you're feeling or thinking, I sometimes think that perhaps I've done something which has offended or hurt you, or perhaps you don't love me any more.
I also get into thinking that you don't have enough trust in me, or do not feel close enough to me so as to share with me
what you're feeling. Then I begin to doubt my self-worth as a spouse (or
perhaps parent or other role).
"When
I see you like this & make those interpretations, then I sometimes approach you trying to find out what's happening. Sometimes
you respond & others you don't. That bothers me even more. I feel hurt & believe that you don't care about me or our relationship.
"I now realize that it doesn't help to pressure you to communicate with me. I'm going to try to leave that to you. I just want you to know that I love you & I want & need to know more about what you're feeling & thinking, but that I'm going to leave that up to you. And if, in
fact, I've done or do something that has offended or hurt you, I very much want to hear it. Don't protect me by not telling me if something I do bothers you.
"I will try to leave you all
the space you need to feel from within if you want to communicate w/me more deeply.
"Do you have anything
you would like to share with me at this time?"
Now let us look at a possible way to deal with an aloof person
"I would like to remember that he has a problem & is closed up because he fears being open. I want also to remember that I'm not to blame for this reaction. I want to remember that I'm worthy & safe & can solve
my problems even if he never opens up.
I'll stop pressuring him & give him space to be alone so that he'll gradually begin to feel his own need for contact with me.
I'll explain to him that I need & want more communication but that I see the negative results of pressuring or nagging him about it. I'll also explain that I'll be overjoyed if he'd approach me when he feels the need to communicate more deeply, but that, until that time,
I'm going to start taking responsibility for my needs & my life.
I'm going to stop feeling that I'm to blame for his silence & am going to start engaging in various activities which fulfill me & give meaning to my life. I'll also explain that I'd be very happy for him to partake in any of those activities with me, should he wish.
I'm going to stop
waiting for him to open up & will start paying attention to my responsibilities, to my creativity, to my learning & growth process. I have so many other things
in my life that can give me happiness. When he's in the mood, I'll enjoy my communication with him.
"However,
communicating directly about the ways you use, view & think of self-injury will help clarify some of the possible areas of miscommunication."
a·loof
adj.
Distant
physically or emotionally; reserved & remote: stood
apart with aloof dignity.
Creating Intimacy, Creating Distance
At the RELATIONSHIP INSTITUTE, we believe every person in a relationship is responsible for co-creating whatever they experience in the relationship.
If you're in a relationship, review the 2 lists below & see what you're creating more of: intimacy or distance. If you want to create more intimacy, this list is a good guideline for how to do so behaviorally.
If you're unable or unwilling to do the things on this list consistently, you may need help in learning how to do so, either thru Individual Therapy or Couples Therapy.
Factors Which Promote Intimacy & Connection Between Partners:
· regular, consistent attention for one another & the relationship
· respect for one another & the relationship
· regular healthy verbal communication
· regular physical contact (frequency & type mutually agreed upon)
· frequent eye contact - passion, excitement & fun together
· promotion of physical & emotional safety at all times
· spontaneous surprises on occasion
· regular expression of caring & tenderness
as defined by your partner
· regular expression of feelings
· using conflict resolution skills when conflict emerges
· creating regular time alone together, without distraction
· anger & resentments expressed & resolved
· realistic expectations which are regularly communicated
· asking for what you want
· saying &/or doing what is truthful & honest for you
· being honest & straightforward with your partner
· acceptance of your partner's personality & characteristics
· promoting your partner's growth as an individual
· taking responsibility for your relationship / life problems
· understanding the impact of your family of origin on your relationship
· taking the time to listen to what your partner thinks & feels
· living in the present & envisioning a positive future together
· emphasize solutions & positivism
Factors Which Promote
Distance Between Partners:
· lack of attention to one another & the relationship
· lack of respect for one another & the relationship
· lack of healthy verbal communication
· lack of physical contact
· lack of eye contact
· lack of passion, excitement & fun together
· verbal, physical &/or emotional abuse
· predictable, routine interactions
· few expressions of caring & tenderness
· unexpressed feelings
· avoiding conflict or avoiding resolution of conflict
· avoiding time alone together
· presence of unspoken or unresolved anger & resentment
· unexpressed or unrealistic expectations & assumptions
· being afraid to ask for what you want
· saying &/or doing only what you think your partner wants
· lying, deceiving, game playing, passive aggression
· trying to change your partner's basic character
· stifling your partners' growth as an individual
· blaming your partner for most or all of your relationship / life problems
· ignoring the impact of your family of origin on your relationship
· assuming your know what your partner thinks & feels
· living in the past
· emphasize problems & negativity
|
 |
|
Talking to Other People About Self-Injury
Introduction
Telling another person that you self-injure or "coming out" as a self-injurer has been likened to coming out as gay or bisexual. It carries with it stress & fear. Fear of rejection & fear of what the other person may say or do. It can be a big step towards getting help or towards letting others
into your world. For these reasons a brief guide on the common reactions others have to self-injury & how you can deal w/ these reactions has been put together.
You may feel
that verbally telling another person about your self-injury in a choreographed conversation is the only way you can go about telling another person about your self-injury. There are other ways, though. You may instead write this person or these persons a letter or an e-mail, some
people find that this makes it easier for them.
A letter or e-mail would allow you the time to express your thoughts clearly & it would allow the other person time to think over what you've told them. If you decide to use this method be sure to follow it up w/a conversation or a phone
call.
When you tell a friend or family member that you self-injure they're very likely to have some strong reactions, some of which you may not like. Be prepared to give them
some time to sort their thoughts or feelings out. You may want to "just get it over with" but it's important you give them space, if they need it.
|
|
|
|
|
Self-injury Keeps Other People at a Distance
Self-injury may help you cope & survive, as well as have some other purposes, but it can also have a detrimental effects on your relationships with
other individuals.
One of these effects is to keep other people at a distance, in both emotional & physical ways.
Self-injury encourages emotional distance from other people in several ways. First, "the secrecy & shame attached to many self-injury behaviors causes a lack of honesty & open communication between you & the important other in your life."
You may have not told anyone about your self-injury. You may edit information about your self-injury & about how you feel (your
emotional states). You may even lie about what you do
& how you feel.
Each of these hinders or cuts off communication & intimacy with other people, which creates distance. You can't be close with others if you're lying to them.
Dissociation, a "spaced-out" state that may accompany self-injury, may also create emotional
distance. Remember that dissociation may come before or after an act of self-injury. You can't feel connected with other people if you're in a dissociated state, because during dissociation you feel disconnected from yourself.
You can't feel emotionally close to other people if you're distant from yourself. "Self-injury, to the extent that it contributes to dissociation, will cause you to feel isolated & removed from those around you."
You may also keep other people from yourself because
of the wounds & scars caused by self-injury; i.e., you may sleep in a separate room from your partner so that your injuries aren't discovered.
You may also keep from having sexual or intimate contact with others for the same reason. Even if the other person knows about your self-injury, you may not want yours scars or injuries to be exposed or touched. Or you may feel self-conscious or ashamed when other people notice your scars.
Closing the Gap
Now that you've found how self-injury hinders communication & helps keep you distant from other people, you may now be able to reduce the
distance between yourself & others.
Ending your self-injurious activities is a way to decrease this distance. This is because by not hurting (note: clicking on the word
"hurting" will offer you more information concerning self-injury) yourself, you don't create the results of self injury, such as shame, wounds, etc., which
cause you to remove yourself from others.
But this solution may not be realistic for many people because they may not be ready to end their self-injurious behaviors. So, instead of stopping your self-injurious activities, you may choose to decrease
the distance between yourself & others by "not allowing
yourself to engage in those behaviors that serve to create distance."
"For example.
if you refuse to let others physically touch your scars because you're self-conscious or ashamed of them, by doing so you are distancing
yourself. To promote your intimacy with others, don't allow yourself to act in this way. Let other people touch your scars. Stop omitting information
about the cause of your injuries. Begin to talk to others openly & honestly about self-injury."
Doing this will be difficult for you & requires a great amount of courage & risk-taking. But you'll feel more connected with other people, which may decrease your desire to hurt yourself. Stopping self-injury & decreasing the distance
between yourself & others, is probably going to be
a long & difficult process. It'll take perseverance & courage to be successful.
Coping With Other People's Reactions To Your Self-injury
It's very important to realize how much your actions affect others around you. Self-injury causes many different emotions & reactions in others. You may not have the intention of provoking a reaction, you may not even want others to know about your self-injury, but most likely they'll react.
Most of the reactions others have to your self-injury will be negative. You may have already noticed this if you have noticeable scars or wounds. People may see people staring at
your scars or wounds, or hear cruel remarks on your mental state.
Also, other people may treat you differently after they find out about your self-injurious activities. This is because a large amount of people may see self-injury as sick, disgusting, or crazy.
You may experience negative reactions to your self-injury, if you haven't already. And you may be unprepared for these reactions. You may be so focused on
the great amount of courage & effort it takes to tell others about your self-injuring, that the possible ramifications for others may not have occured to you.
Eventually you'll notice some of the negative effects of telling others about your self-injuring. You possibly may lose friends because they're unable or unwilling to deal with your self-injurious behavior.
There may be subtler changes in your relationships with others, such as friends or family members inspecting you for new injuries. Also,
friends & family may focus your conversations on your self-injury rather than other parts of your life. Each of these reactions will change your relationship in some way.
Another reaction which is one of the most difficult
& damaging is nonreaction. Sometimes others will not respond to your behaviors, which may make you feel invisible. And
as has been stated in the FAQ section, self-injury is often connecting to feelings of isolation & alienation. When you're ignored, the feelings of being invisible can lead to feelings of isolation & alienation that are part of the self-injury cycle.
When self-injury is met with a negative response or nonreaction, you'll feel negative emotions of your own. When you're met with a nonreaction you may begin to hurt yourself more often or more visibly. You might increase the severity of your injuries so that they no longer
can be ignored. And eventually you may stop trying to provoke a reaction & end up feeling more isolated, more invisible, more rejected.
Although it's true that self-injury affects & creates reactions in the people around you, this isn't a sufficient reason to try to stop or change your self-injury behavior. You may decide to change your self-injurious behaviors, but it's essential that you do this for yourself & not to please others.
You aren't responsible for controlling or changing the feelings of others, nor is this even possible.
It would be nice to not be affected by the reactions
of others, but this isn't likely to happen. Whatever the other person's reaction, it'll almost certainly have am impact on
you. On method you may use to cope with others reactions is to try to understand why
they're reacting this way. Since you can't control others' reactions, you can only try to understand them.
Learning to Communicate Directly
Self-injury is a very indirect method of communication. And the message that others receive why they learn about your self-injurious
behavior likely will be distorted & inaccurate. You may think that your self-injury only communicates one message, but it actually send many, some of which may not be what you intended. This is miscommunication.
Miscommunication has many results. First, your needs will be left unmet because you're unlikely to get your point across. Also, self-injury is often misinterpreted as an act of manipulation. Because self-injury is an indirect form of communication, people might think that you're trying to provoke a response or reaction from them.
In some cases this may be true, but most often, manipulation isn't the goal of self-injury. But because you're not being direct about your intentions, your needs & your internal feelings, "you leave yourself open to a wide variety of misinterpretations, many of which will not be favorable."
Instead of
using self-injury as a form of communication, it would be better to talk about self-injury directly with other people. Messages you're trying to transmit will be communicated much more clearly with words
than with self-injury. This doesn't say that you need to stop injuring yourself; you can only do that when you're ready & have alternate coping mechanisms.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
