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Your dictionary definition of:

dis·tress 

  tr.v. dis·tressed, dis·tress·ing, dis·tress·es

  1. To cause strain, anxiety, or suffering to.
  2. To mar or otherwise treat (an object or fabric, i.e.) to give the appearance of an antique or of heavy prior use: There are the fakesnew rugs which have been intentionally distressed for an older look (Hatfield MA Valley Advocate).

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Low Birth Weight Linked To Psychological Distress In Adulthood

Low birth weight is associated with adult psychological distress, according to a new study published in the July/05 issue of the British Journal of Psychiatry.

The research found that children born full term but weighing less than 5.5 lbs (almost 3% of the total sample) had a 50% increased risk of psychological distress in later life. This remained the case after taking into account potential confounding factors, such as the father's social class, maternal age and adult marital status.

Until now it has been unclear whether the effect of low birth weight on common mental health problems in later life is direct, or is affected by childhood factors, such as IQ or behavioural problems.

Dr Nicola Wiles, from Bristol University and lead author on the study, commented:

"The findings suggest that low birth weight at full term has a direct effect on adult mental health, rather than simply reflecting a pathway through childhood cognition and/or behavior. This is an interesting finding that requires replication in other studies but suggests that early factors, before birth, might be important in increasing vulnerability to depression in adult life".  

This study used information on 5572 participants in the Aberdeen Children of the 1950's study for which data collection was funded by the Medical Research Council. The researchers from the Univ. of Bristol and the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine examined the association between birth weight for gestational age and later adult psychological problems, taking into account cognition and behavioral problems in childhood.

No increase in risk was found in those of low birth weight who were born early, before 38 weeks. Similarly, pre-term delivery wasn't associated with an increased risk of psychological distress in adulthood.

As found in previous studies, low birth weight was associated with an increased risk of cognitive deficit (having an IQ of less than 100) at the age of 7 and with childhood behavioral disorder. This effect was observed among those born early as well as those born at term.

IQ of less than 100 at age 7 was associated with an increased risk of psychological distress in adulthood. But taking into account IQ and behavioral factors didn't alter the strength of the association between low birth weight at full term and adult psychological distress.

Low birth weight for gestational age is a marker for impaired foetal growth. The observed association with adult psychological distress provides further evidence for the theory that common mental health problems in adulthood may be due to impaired neuro-development, as has been suggested in schizophrenia.

Further work is needed to explore the biological mechanism underlying this relationship.

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Dealing with Distressed Students: (does that describe you?)

 

Being aware of distress signals, methods of intervention and sources of help for the student can help you feel more in control of situations that may arise.

 

Distress Signals:

 

Listed below are some of the more prevalent signs of someone in distress. This list is intended to provide basic information only.

Depression: While we may all feel depressed from time to time, "normal" depressions may consist of only 1 or 2 symptoms and usually pass within days.

Clinically depressed students will exhibit multiple symptoms for a longer period of time. Some of these symptoms are:

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Referring Distressed Students
University of California, Santa Barbara

The Anxious Student

Anxiety disorders are the most common psychiatric conditions in the US, affecting more than 23 million people. Anxiety disorders are grouped into 12 distinct diagnostic categories, among which are:

Some features of anxiety that may be noted in students who are struggling with anxiety are:

Students present with a wide range of anxious conditions. Some may have a generalized anxiety, which can impact their ability to perform academically by affecting:

  • Concentration

  • Memory

  • The processing of information

  • The ability to recall information

  • The ability to comprehend

Others may struggle with a specific type, such as performance anxiety, that can affect an oral presentation, or test taking anxiety, that impacts the ability to perform on a test.

Research suggests that when treating persons with high levels of anxiety, the most effective treatment is the combination of psychotherapy and psychotropic medication. When you encounter a student who you suspect is struggling with an anxious condition:

DO:

  1. Talk to the student in private, when possible.

  2. Remain calm.

  3. Assume control over the situation in a soothing manner.

  4. Focus on the relevant information.

  5. Respectfully help the student focus on items that can be addressed.

  6. Speak in an explicit, concrete and concise manner.

  7. Assist the student in developing an action plan that addresses the most pressing concern.

  8. Refer the student to a Counseling and Career Service 

DON'T:

  1. Make solutions complicated.

  2. Overwhelm the student with information.

  3. Argue with irrational thoughts or catastrophic thinking.

  4. Crowd the physical personal space.

  5. Try to solve all problems presented.

  6. Devalue the information presented.

  7. Assume the family knows about the student's anxiety.

  8. Assume the student will get over his/her anxiety without treatment.  

The Depressed Student

Depression is a pervasive problem in our society.

It affects 17 million Americans each year and doesn't discriminate demographically.

Depression differs from feeling sad or struggling with life events. Depression has specific symptoms of significant duration and severity. The most common features of depression are the subjective experience of feeling:

  • Empty

  • Hopeless

  • Helpless

  • Worthless 

  • Unloved

  • A deep sense of sadness 

  • Emotional pain

  • The inability to experience pleasure in many activities

  • Irregular sleep and eating patterns

  • Difficulty concentrating, retaining information and making decisions

  • Fatigue 

  • Social isolation

Some depressed students experience:

Some have:

  • Recurrent thoughts of destruction 

  • Preoccupation with death

Some desire to escape the pain through suicide.

Fortunately, depression responds to treatment and 80 - 90% of those treated show improvement.

Research supports the use of both medication and psychotherapy for the most effective treatment of major depression. When dealing with a depressed student:

DO:

  1. When possible, see the student in private.
  2. Validate the student's feelings and experience.
  3. Listen to the information the student is sharing.
  4. Be supportive and express your concerns about the situation.
  5. Be directive and concise about an action plan.
  6. Initiate the action plan, such as having the student call from your office for a counseling appointment.
  7. Ask if the student has any thoughts of suicide.
  8. Refer the student to Counseling and Career Services
  9. If the student shares anything with you related to concerns about sexual harassment or gender discrimination, refer the student to the Sexual Harassment / Title IX Complaint Office
  10. Be willing to consider a request for, or offer, an accommodation (e.g., extension on a paper, exam or project) if you feel it's appropriate.

DON'T:

  1. Ignore the student.

  2. Minimize the situation.

  3. Argue with the student.

  4. Provide too much information for the student to process and retain.

  5. Expect the student to stop feeling depressed without some form of intervention.

  6. Assume the family knows about the student's depressed.

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Helping Your Child Through A Divorce

Divorce is stressful for parents and children alike. Although children's emotional reactions usually depend on their age at the time of the divorce, many children experience feelings of sadness, anger and anxiety - and it's not uncommon for these feelings to be expressed in their behavior.

Often, the child's emotional reaction can be quite different than the parent's and it's important to understand these differences; i.e., a parent may feel a sense of relief that a difficult period is coming to some resolution, whereas the child may feel a sense of loss.

Fortunately, there are things you can do to help your child during a divorce. By minimizing the stress the situation creates and responding openly and honestly to your child's concerns, you can help your child through this difficult time.

Telling Your Child About Divorce

As soon as you're certain of your plans, talk to your child about your decision to divorce. Although there's no easy way to break the news, both parents should be present when a child is told and feelings of anger, guilt, or blame should be left out of the conversation. At best, this is a difficult message to communicate, but if you handle it sensitively, you can help make it less painful for your child.  

Although the discussion about divorce should be tailored to your child's age and development, all children should receive the same basic message:

 

"Mommy and Daddy used to love each other and were happy, but now we're not happy and have decided we'd be happier apart. What happened occurred between us, but we'll always be your parents and we'll always be there to love and take care of you."

It's important to emphasize that your child is in no way to blame for the breakup and that the unhappiness isn't related to him or her. Children tend to blame themselves for the failure of their parents' marriages and they need to be reminded frequently that it's not their fault.

Finally, your child may question whether your love for him or her is temporary (because it was with your spouse); reassure your child that even though you're getting a divorce, you love him or her permanently and unconditionally.

When it comes to answering questions about your divorce, it's important to give kids enough information so that they're prepared for the upcoming changes in their lives but not so much that it frightens them. Try to keep your feelings neutral and answer your child's questions in an age-appropriate way and as truthfully as possible.

Remember that kids don't need to know all the details; they just need to know enough to understand clearly that although divorce means separating from a spouse, it doesn't mean parents are divorcing their kids.

Not all children react the same way when told their parents are divorcing. Some ask questions, some cry and some have no initial response at all. For kids who seem upset when you break the news, it's important for parents to let them know that they recognize and care about their feelings and to reassure them that it's OK to cry.

For example, you might say, "I know this is upsetting for you and I can understand why," or "We both love you and are so sorry that our problems are causing you to feel this way." If your child doesn't have an emotional reaction right away, let him or her know that there will be other times to talk.

Most children are concerned with how the divorce will affect them:

·         Who will I live with?

·         Will I move?

·       Where will Mommy live or where will Daddy live?

·         Will I go to a new school?

·        Will I still get to see my friends?

·         Can I still go to camp this summer?

Be honest when addressing your child's concerns and remind him or her that the family will get through this, even though it may take some time.

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Reducing Your Child's Stress

Divorce brings with it a lot of changes and a very real sense of loss. Kids - and parents - grieve the loss of the kind of family they had hoped for and children especially grieve the loss of the presence of a parent.

That's why some kids - even after the finality of divorce has been explained to them - still hold out hope that their parents will someday get back together. Mourning the loss of a family is normal, but over time both you and your child will come to some sort of acceptance of the changed circumstances.

So, how can you decrease the stress your child feels over the changes brought on by divorce? Mainly by learning to respond to his or her expressions of emotion.

Here are some ways divorcing parents can help their children:

·      Invite conversation. Children need to know that their feelings are important to their parents and that they'll be taken seriously.

Let them voice their emotions and help them to label them, without trying to change their emotions or explain them away.

 

You might say: "It seems as if you're feeling sad right now. Do you know what's making you feel so sad?"

 

Be a good listener when they respond, even if it's hard for you to hear.

  • Legitimize their feelings. Saying things like, "No wonder you feel sad" or "I know it feels like the hurt may never go away, but it will" lets kids know that their feelings are valid. It's important to encourage children to get it all out before you start offering ways to make it better.

  • Offer support. Ask, "What do you think will help you feel better?" They might not be able to name something, but you can suggest a few ideas - maybe just to sit together for a while, take a walk, or hold a favorite stuffed animal. Younger kids might especially appreciate an offer to call Daddy on the phone or to make a picture to give to Mommy when she comes at the end of the day.

Expect that your child's adjustment could take a while. Some emotional and behavioral reactions to the stress of divorce last for months or even a year. Some may be much more temporary, lasting only until the situation stabilizes and a child's routine can be re-established.

It's also important to remember that these responses don't necessarily indicate permanent problems. Much of the time, kids' emotional concerns following divorce are temporary if handled with sensitivity. But sometimes, children have a longer response. Being attentive to the signs your child sends about his or her feelings can help you to help your child cope with them.  

Reactions to Stress
Below are some signals that represent a child's reaction to stress at various ages:

Babies & Toddlers

Children this age require consistency and routine and are comforted by familiarity. They may be distressed by unpredictable schedules, too many transitions, or abrupt separations.

Signals that an infant is feeling distressed include increased amounts of fussiness or crying and changes in eating or sleeping habits. Babies and toddlers are also sensitive to separations. They ay show signs of separation anxiety thru withdrawn, distressed, or clingy behavior.

Preschoolers & Kindergartners
Kids this age need consistent caregiving. But as children develop long-term memory and language skills, they become more self-reliant.

Signals that a child in this age group is under stress include continued worries about separation and regression to earlier behaviors, such as thumb sucking, bedwetting and problems sleeping through the night.

Fussiness and anger at you or your spouse may also occur. A child may cry frequently, engage in power struggles, regress to "baby" behaviors and have tantrums.

School-Age Children
B
etween 6 and 8 years, children need individual time with each parent to continue being reassured that they're loved.

Fairness becomes an important issue; your child may want to be sure both you and your spouse get the same amount of time with him or her. Children this age are also interested in issues such as who is to blame or who is at fault.

If your child expresses hope of reuniting your family, make sure he or she spends time with both of you separately to help cement the reality of the situation. Children do, however, maintain this hope of reunification for years. Although parents need to acknowledge their kids' hopes and how they're feeling, they also need to remind them of the reality of the situation.

Your child's feelings of unhappiness may be expressed as sadness, anger, or aggression. He or she may have problems with friendships or in school. Or, stress may take the form of physical problems, such as upset stomachs or headaches.

Preteens

Between 9 and 12, children become more involved with activities apart from their parents. When divorced parents reside close to one another, equal time-sharing may work, but preteens may need different schedules to accommodate their changing priorities. School, community interests and friendships become more important for children in this age range, but the impact of family remains critical.

Your child may refuse to share time with you and your spouse equally and may try to take sides. Expect this behavior and don't take it personally when it occurs. Maintain the visitation schedule and emphasize the involvement of both parents in your child's life.

Warning signs for this age group include peer difficulties, loneliness, depression, anger, or physical symptoms like headaches or stomachaches and learning problems.

Role reversals - when kids feel compelled to support or care for an emotionally distraught parent at their own emotional expense - can also arise. This isn't a healthy situation for the child. Parents who recognize role reversal in their family need to find ways to get emotional support for themselves and relieve the burden from their child.

Teens

During the early teen years, kids need consistent support from both parents, but may not accept equal time-sharing of their living arrangements because it may interrupt their school and social lives. Be prepared for your child's thoughts on time-sharing.

Kids sometimes propose spending an entire summer, semester, or school year with the noncustodial parent. But this may not reflect that they want to move. In the early teens, kids do have a good sense of time and a realization that adult life is approaching. Often, a child will spend a year with the other parent and then return home. They view this as a chance to spend a lot of time with the parent they've missed. Listen to and explore these options if they're brought up.

Whatever arrangements are made, make a schedule and stick to it. Adolescents may externalize blame for the divorce to one or both parents and may become controlling by demanding to stay in one place or to switch residences constantly.

As teens get older, they become more focused on social and school activities, as well as establishing their independence; so they may become less interested in their parents' problems. But your teen still needs your support. Even though parents often get the impression that their input isn't important to adolescents, it is. Stay involved in your child's life and interests. Talking frequently with your teen is helpful.

And although teens may want to see their parents happy, children of any age may have mixed feelings about seeing their parents dating other people. They may feel that condoning parental dating would be disloyal to the other parent, but they may be happy that their parent has found someone new.

Depression, moodiness, acting out, poor performance in school, use of alcohol or other drugs, sexual activity, or chronic oppositional behavior can all signal that a teen is having trouble. Older teens may have behavior problems, exhibit depression, show poor school performance, run away from home, or get into trouble with the law. Regardless of whether such troubles are related to the divorce, they are serious problems that affect a teen's well-being and indicate the need for outside help.

Fighting in Front of Your Child

Although the occasional argument between parents is reasonable and even expected in a healthy family, living in a battleground of continual hostility and unresolved conflict can place a heavy psychological burden on your child. Traumatic events like screaming, fighting, arguing, or violence can make children fearful and apprehensive. Unable to deal with these fears, your child may become emotionally upset, controlling, or withdrawn.

Witnessing your hostility also presents an inappropriate behavioral model for your child, who's still learning how to deal with his or her own impulses. Children's long-term adjustment to divorce is highly related to ongoing hostility between parents. Kids whose parents maintain anger and hostility are much more likely to have continued emotional and behavioral difficulties.

Talking with a mediator or divorce counselor can help divorcing couples air their grievances and hurt to each other in a way that doesn't cause harm to the children. Though it may be difficult, working together in this way will spare your child the harm caused by continued bitterness and anger.

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Adjusting to a New Living Situation

Because divorce can be such a big change in your child's life, adjustments in living arrangements should be handled gradually.

There are several types of living situations to consider:

·         One parent (either you or your spouse) may have custody

·         you may have joint custody (in which both you & your spouse share in the legal decisions about your child, but your child lives primarily with one of you & visits the other)

·         shared joint custody (in which decisions are shared & so is physical custody)

It's becoming increasingly common for parents who live close by to share custody of their child. There's no simple solution to this. Although some children can thrive spending half their time with each parent, others seem to need the stability of having one "home" & visiting with the other parent.

Whatever arrangement you choose, your child's needs should always come first. Avoid getting involved in a tug of war as a way to win over your former spouse. When deciding how to handle holidays, birthdays & vacations, stay focused on what's best for your child.

After the Divorce
It's important to maintain as much normalcy as possible after a divorce by keeping regular routines, including meal routines, rules of behavior & methods of discipline. Relaxing limits, especially during a time of change, tends to make children insecure. Resist the urge to drop routines & spoil a child who's grieving over a divorce. The only way a child should be spoiled is with unconditional love.

Parents should also work hard to keep their parental roles in place. Your child, no matter how much he or she tries to understand, is still a child. If you confide in your child, he or she may have difficulty relating to the other parent. This means not blaming the other parent or putting your child in the middle of an adult situation that he or she doesn't have the maturity to handle.

Consistency in routine & discipline across the households is important. Similar expectations regarding bedtimes, rules & homework will reduce anxiety & give your child the message that you & your ex-spouse are working together & can't be manipulated.

Don't be ashamed to ask for professional help. Divorce is a major life crisis for a family. But if you & your former spouse can work together, you can continue to be good parents to your child.

Here are some other recommendations to keep in mind.

·         Get help dealing with your own painful feelings about the divorce. If you're able to make a healthy adjustment, your child will be more likely to do so, too. Also, getting needed emotional support & being able to air your feelings & thoughts with an adult will lessen the possibility of your child shouldering the unfair burden of your emotional concerns. This may include trusted friends or family members or a therapist.

  • Be patient with yourself & with your child. Emotional concerns, loss & hurt following divorce take time to heal & often happen in phases. That's healthy.

  • Resist the temptation to make up for the child's loss with material things, food treats, or special privileges. Emotional hurt is best healed with care & support from loved ones, not things.

  • Recognize the signals of stress for your child's age. Consult your child's doctor or a child therapist for guidance on how to handle specific problems you're concerned about.

Many of the elements that help children thrive & be emotionally healthy in an intact family are the same ones that help children thrive & be emotionally healthy members of a divorced family. With good support, children can & do successfully make the adjustment to divorce.

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And Now, the Hard Part

That sweet little thing is about to commandeer your life. Be prepared.

 

By Lauren Picker

Newsweek

 

April 25 issue - Amber Krystallis isn't getting out much these days. She spends every waking moment at someone else's beck & call, performing a dizzying blur of tasks that never seem to satisfy her commander, much less elicit a thank you.

"He's fussy most of the time," allows the Bronxville, N. Y., fashion-industry assistant who often toils away in the middle of the night, logging only about 4 or 5 hours of sleep. Preparing to unveil a designer's latest collection?

Hardly. Krystallis is on maternity leave, caring for her infant son, Jackson & realizing that new parenthood is a kind of endless episode of "Survivor"- without the sweeping views.

Whoever came up with the Peace Corps motto "The Toughest Job You'll Ever Love" probably wasn't a parent. Most expectant couples are braced for sleep deprivation & dirty diapers. But the reality is much, much harder in ways that even the most informed new parents may find surprising.

Research shows that marriage takes a hit when baby makes 3. Gen-X parents in particular are reeling. According to a 2003 analysis of 90 studies involving 31,000 married people, the drop in marital satisfaction after the first baby's birth is a staggering 42% larger among the current generation of parents than their predecessors.

"The finding is particularly strong for women with infants," adds Jean Twenge, an assistant professor of psychology at San Diego State University & a coauthor of the review. Satisfaction dips even lower (though only slightly) with each successive child.

Studies also suggest that 1/3 to 1/2 of new-parent couples experience as much marital distress as couples already in therapy for marital difficulties. No wonder the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University concluded in its 2004 annual report,

"Children seem to be a growing impediment for the happiness of marriages." 

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Part of the problem is simply the bone-grinding demands of child care, which can push a couple's relationship not just to the back burner, but clear off the stovetop. "I'm so burned out at the end of the day that I have nothing left for my husband. All I want to do is get in my bed, read my book & escape," confesses Amelia Gerlin, a Shelbourne, Vt., at-home mother of 2 children.

Tensions like these have probably been around since Neanderthal parents grunted at each other. But for the current generation of new parents - who tend to be older & already juggling careers - the hurdles are higher because the expectations are, too. It's - not enough to raise a nice kid; she's got to be ahead of the developmental curve & involved in arts & athletic activities, too (while fueled only by nutritious, organic snacks, of course).

The couples' individual roles change as well. She becomes a diaper-changing lactation machine; he feels pressured to earn big bucks. "A new baby often trips couples back into stereotypical roles & gender expectations of each other. It's a very hard thing to resist," says Barbara Risman, co-chair of the Council on Contemporary Families in New York. While the expectation is for fathers to be more involved than ever (& many are), it's still mom who does most of the work.

"I'm definitely taking the June Cleaver role," allows Mara Barth, who left her job as a travel consultant 6 weeks before the birth of her son, Sam, in October. Though her husband knows his way around a Pamper, she tends to change most of the diapers; she also makes sure the pantry is stocked & dinner is on the table (even if it means ordering in). Barth has no complaints. But a University of California, Berkeley, study that tracked 100 couples from first pregnancy thru the child's transition to kindergarten found that the No. 1 source of conflict in the first 3 years of parenthood is the division of labor.

The couples had expected a more 50-50 arrangement than they ended up with, explains psychologist Carolyn Pape Cowan, who, with her husband, documented these findings in "When Partners Become Parents: The Big Life Change for Couples." The Cowans also found that when the dad doesn't step up, mom is more likely to report symptoms of depression. "That's not a good recipe for parenting or for the couple's relationship," says Cowan.

What's a parent to do? Drawing on data from a 13-year study, Seattle-based psychologist & marriage expert John Gottman found that couples who are most likely to remain happy after becoming parents are those in which the husband admires his wife, keeps romance alive & understands his wife's inner life. (It helps if the woman reciprocates but, according to Gottman, it's hubby's behavior that makes the difference.)

Gottman also encourages couples to communicate with kindness. Instead of screaming, "You lazy s.o.b.! Do I have to do everything?" take a deep breath, lose the edge in your tone & say, "I know you're sleep-deprived, too. But will you please put the dishes away?" And to preserve intimacy, Gottman urges parents to go out on regular dates - without the wee ones.  

Of course, parents aren't the only ones who struggle with the arrival of a new baby. Many older siblings don't exactly feel the love. "It's very hard to share someone you love," explains Nancy Samalin, author of "Loving Each One Best," a book about raising siblings. James Srebnick would surely agree. His parents tried to prepare the toddler for the arrival of his little brother last fall; they talked about what it would be like & read books about becoming a big brother.

 

James was onboard, happily kissing his mommy's belly as the pregnancy progressed. Then Andrew arrived. "He freaked," recalls Jessica Goldman Srebnick, a hospitality-industry executive in Miami Beach, Fla. Sometimes James would even try to hit the baby. With plenty of one-on-one time with both of his parents, James rallied. "Now, when he wakes up in the morning, he says, 'Where's A.J.?' He'll go see the baby & say, 'Good morning, buddy,' which makes my heart sing," notes Srebnick.

Some family members' hearts are singing from the get-go. You can pretty much count on grandma & grandpa to be smitten with the new generation. And unless grandparents weigh in a little too often with unsolicited advice or direction, the arrival of grandchildren can draw a couple closer to their own family of origin, as well as to in-laws with whom they now share a history & a future.

"It's been really great for my relationship with my parents. I struggled with them in days gone by but now, with the kids, they adore them & they help me quite a bit," says Amelia Gerlin, who lives near her parents. Grandparents can make great pinch-sitters - a lifeline to stressed-out parents.

Pity those who don't have it. "It would be easy if we had parents or family in town," says Toby Page, an airline -industry buyer in Frisco, Texas. He & his wife ultimately decided that it made sense for Kimberly to quit her job to stay home with baby Austin.  

Like Kimberly Page, about 1/3 of women leave the work force after starting a family; another 1/3 dial back to part-time hours. It's a decision with which many struggle & either choice brings its own stresses. Working parents must juggle their professional demands with their family's needs; couples who give up one income often grapple with financial worries.

After all, those little bundles of joy cost a bundle of green. According to Baby Bargains, a popular, money-saving guide for new & expectant parents, providing a baby with the basics comes in at $6,200. And that just covers the first year. The U.S. Department of Agriculture estimates that it costs middle-class Americans $178,590 to raise a child to age 18, a staggering amount that doesn't even include college.

But you can't put a price tag on the incalculable joys of parenthood. While a baby will upend your life as you know it, the new arrival can also enrich your existence in ways you couldn't imagine, in the process transforming a marriage into a family.

"Both [my husband] & I keep saying it's just amazing how much you can love this little person," marvels Amber Krystallis. "When he wakes me up in the middle of the night, I'm still happy to see him." How many people in your life can you say that about?

© 2005 Newsweek, Inc

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Preface: In the previous articles there are answers to the questions that adults may have when they know they have to deal with the children they've produced within the marriage when they've decided to get a divorce. I think they do an adequate job in describing in almost every instance that if a parent isn't extremely careful with the well being of ones' children - there could be extreme distress involved for their children. I'm not satisfied with their explanation of the distress children will experience due to divorce. Therefore, I am writing my own article to describe it for you.
 
Distress Is Extremely Painful
by Kathleen Howe
 
Distress is extremely painful to anyone. If one is experiencing feelings of distress you can be sure that the person is undergoing an intensely painful process. Emotional pain can be more painful than physical pain and much more serious. With emotional pain there's not an aspirin or Tylenol to take to make the pain go away. It's sharp, it's overwhelming, distress is comparable to long-suffering.
 
In the bible you will see long-suffering described in many disastrous situations. Distress is spoken of in times of death. One may feel distressed when someone they love is in grave danger or perhaps they have experienced a life altering injury; for instance, like the loss of a limb.  
 
With the odds that most marriages will end in divorce, I would ask that anyone considering marriage with the prospect of bringing children into the world consider the true meaning of feeling distressed. People get married for the wrong reasons most of the time and that is why the percentage of marriages ending in divorce is so high. This fact causes me great distress because until people start holding themselves accountable for their own actions - children all over the world will continue to experience great distress throughout their lives because of it.
 
It's time for people to start realizing that when they bring children into the world they need to take care of their marriages. In considering who you will marry in the first place, I think it's imperative that you know the person you are considering spending your life with as a partner in raising children as well as you know your own self!
 
Aha! How many people know their own selves before they begin looking for a mate? Not many! Not many people at all consider that they must first get to know themselves first and love themselves unconditionally before starting out in search of a spouse. In continuing this practice - people will bring all of their emotional problems with them into a relationship and this causes the marriage to be doomed before it even starts.
 
Have you ever considered these things before? Well it's time people start considering these things before they bring kids into the world so they don't have to rip their sweet little innocent hearts into pieces when they decide to divorce because mommy or daddy has decided to cheat - have thoughtless sex with another person - or just because they don't feel "happy" in the marriage anymore.
 
It's time that people start learning how to communicate with each other before they make a commitment of marriage. It's time that people learn how to handle their finances, finish their educations, and understand how the other person feels about parenting before any talk of marriage enters the relationship. Is the person responsible? Is the person comfortable with their own self? Is there an eating disorder with one of the two? Is there a divorce in their families? Do they have family feuds going on somewhere?
 
Life is too important to take it for granted. Children are being torn apart and given negative emotional baggage to have to work out because their parents didn't know how to have a healthy relationship. Kids commit suicide from their negative emotional baggage. Did you ever consider that? Kids use drugs and alcohol to self medicate because they can't stand hearing their parents screaming at each other all of the time - have you considered that?
 
Distress is ugly. Do you want to bring a child into this world so that you can mess he or she up in the head? Distress is overwhelming sadness. Distress is continual angst - day after day - month after month - year after year. Sometimes children never get over the fact that their parents got divorced. It haunts them over and over again through every relationship they have. They never had a role model of what parents in a healthy marriage do to raise healthy minded kids that aren't all torn apart and living in distress.
 
Babies experience distress. Small toddlers experience distress. You may not notice it for years, but eventually the sense of distress will come through and if you can concentrate on your child long enough instead of wallowing in your own personal problems, you might see them suffering silently. Teenagers steal, get into fights, bully others and even get pregnant because they are feeling distress.
 
They need to feel loved and their needs haven't been met in so long because their parents couldn't keep their marriage together. Maybe their parents got married too young or got married for the wrong reason. It doesn't matter because the kids are still experiencing intense distress.
 
Please, if you're not married - consider what I've said. If you are married and things aren't good - stay married and get some help. You and your spouse will be your kids heroes if you can keep your family together. Think about your children first. They want you to stay together and you can if you try. You just have to remember that if you get a divorce your children are going to experience distress.

Helping Those Who Hurt Themselves

by Tracy Alderman, Ph.D.

 

If you work with youth, it’s likely that at some point you'll come in contact with someone who self‑injures. This article is intended to provide some support, advice & education to those who have students or clients who engage in activities of self‑inflicted violence.

What You May Feel

Shock & Denial

Because self‑inflicted violence (SIV) is a secretive behavior, it can be shocking to learn that someone you know is a self‑injurer. You may not have noticed many of the signs of SIV, such as a refusal to wear shorts or short sleeved shirts, even on the warmest of days.

 

You probably gave no thought to the frequent "accidents" or the numerous bruises & cuts on the arms & legs of a student which were always accounted for by a logical source.

 

Self-inflicted violence lends itself to secrecy quite well, it usually takes place in isolation & the results can be concealed with relative ease.

 

Also, most people are often eager to ignore or deny many of the tell‑tale signs of this behavior. Thus, when you find out about the self‑injurious behavior, it's shocking.

Denial
is related to the shock. At times, denial is appropriate, useful & necessary. However, with self‑inflicted violence denial is detrimental. People who injure themselves are in a great deal of psychological distress. To deny this distress will communicate that you're not interested, not able to help, or don't understand their SIV behaviors.

 

When you're confronted with the self-injurious behaviors it's important you don't deny the reality & implications of the situation. Although this may be difficult, responding to the SIV, rather than denying its existence, is necessary in order to aid those individuals who are injuring themselves.

Anger & Frustration

Anger
is a common response when learning of an individual's self‑injurious behaviors. There are many reasons for this. First, anger may stem from the deception which often surrounds SIV.

 

Many individuals who hurt themselves lie about the causes of their injuries. Deception is used as a way of reducing feelings of shame & warding off possible reactions of anger, disgust or rejection from others. However, when the deception is discovered it often produces those very same feared reactions.

Additionally, believing that the self‑inflicted violence wasn't necessary may also anger you. Watching individuals do things to physically damage themselves is frustration. You may be inclined to scold them or force them to stop hurting themselves. Frustration stems from our inability to control the behaviors of others.

Self-injury, as opposed to many other self‑damaging behaviors, usually produces visible, physical evidence. This evidence forces us to realize the extent of our helplessness in changing the individual's behaviors, causing us frustration & anger.

Empathy, Sympathy & Sadness

Empathy
is often a mixed blessing. On the one hand, it allows you to be more helpful while also causing you to feel similar sadness & psychological pain as the individual w/whom you're dealing. Individuals who engage in self‑inflicted violence experience enormous psychological distress.

 

It's essential to understand the immense nature of this distress providing support & assistance. However, by doing so, you run the risk of allowing that person's inner world to penetrate you. The result of our inability to remain detached is that you may feel some of their sadness & pain.

We may also feel sad for the individual who is performing self‑inflicted violence. However, feeling sympathetic towards others, may cause you to see them as figures worthy of our pity.

 

In many ways, this is condescending. While empathy is helpful, sympathy isn't. Individuals who hurt themselves may view their SIV as a positive action, an action which helped them to survive.

 

Being sympathetic, you may see their SIV as a negative & pitiful behavior, an act of desperation. Thus, sympathy isn't particularly useful.

Guilt

Self‑inflicted violence often provokes feelings of guilt for those who are close to the individuals performing these behaviors. You may feel as if you did something wrong which caused this person to self-injure.

 

Perhaps you may think you weren't the best teacher, parent, or friend. Guilt can be a useful emotion, but in the case of SIV, it's often not appropriate, necessary, or useful.

It's more helpful to surpass these feelings & focus your energy in a more positive & useful direction. Talk w/the self-injuring student & find out how you can be helpful at this point in time. Wallowing in your own guilt will keep you immobilized instead of becoming an active & helpful participant.

What You May Think

A variety of thoughts commonly accompany the knowledge that someone you know is performing SIV. Some of the more common are:

  • It's all my fault.
  • I can fix this. 
  • You're nuts!
  • This changes our whole relationship.
  • You're not who I thought you were.
  • You're doing this to manipulate me.

Considered objectively, many or all of these thoughts are erroneous & could easily negatively influence your feelings. It's important to be aware of your thoughts so you can prevent them from influencing negative emotional responses which could damage your relationship with the self-injurer.

We don't like to see others in pain. It's almost instinctual that we try to end another's misery. When we see students or clients injuring themselves, we begin to understand the enormity of their psychological pain & it's only natural that we want to help.

However, without the proper education & training, helping could do more damage than good. This section will provide some ideas of what you should & shouldn't do when trying to assist those individuals who are injuring themselves.

Talk About Self‑Inflicted Violence

As mentioned previously, SIV is surrounded by shame & secrecy. SIV exists whether you talk about it or not. Ignoring something doesn't make it disappear. The same is true with self‑inflicted violence: it'll not go away by pretending it doesn't exist.

Avoiding SIV has several negative effects. First, it reinforces & strengthens the feelings of shame attached to this behavior. Individuals engaging in SIV may get the idea that the behavior is so shameful that even talking about it is taboo. Thus, the secrecy & feelings of shame surrounding self‑inflicted violence are strengthened.

When communication is decreased, feelings of isolation & alienation, the same feelings which often precede an act of self-injury, are increased. Not talking about SIV, may actually increase the likelihood that the self-injurer will hurt themselves again. Silence makes a very powerful statement.

Talking about self‑inflicted violence is essential. Openly discussing SIV helps those who are hurting themselves. By addressing the issues of self‑injury you remove the secrecy which surrounds it & reduce the shame attached. You're encouraging a connection between you & the self-injurer.

 

The mere fact that you're willing to discuss SIV helps to create change.

You may not know what to say to the individual who is performing acts of SIV. Fortunately, you don't have to know exactly what to say. By acknowledging that you want to talk, even though you're not sure how to proceed, you're opening the channels of communication.

Here are some questions you might want to use to facilitate the discussion.

  • How long have you been hurting yourself?
  • Why do you hurt yourself?
  • How do you hurt yourself?
  • When & where do you usually injure yourself?
  • How often do you injure yourself?
  • How did you learn to hurt yourself?
  • What is it like for you to talk with me about hurting yourself?
  • Does it hurt when you injure yourself?
  • How open are you about your self‑injurious behaviors?
  • Do you want to change your SIV behaviors?
  • How can I help you with your SIV?

It's necessary to talk about SIV so that the person who is engaging in these activities feels more supported, less isolated & more connected. Simply talking about SIV will help to decrease the individual's need for self‑injurious behaviors.

Be supportive

Talking is one way to provide support, however, there are numerous other ways to show your support to another. One of the best ways to determine how you can best offer support is to directly ask the self-injurer how you might be helpful.

 

In doing so, you might find that your idea of support is vastly different from how others view it. Knowing what kind & when to offer support, is necessary.

A key component in being supportive is to keep your negative reactions to yourself. This isn't to say that you shouldn't, or will not, have judgments or negative reactions to SIV. However, you must conceal these beliefs & feelings while you're being supportive. Later, when you're not offering assistance, you may release & express these thoughts & emotions.

Be Available

Most individuals who injure themselves, will not do so in the presence of others. Therefore, the more you're with those individuals who hurt themselves, the less opportunity they'll have to inflict self‑harm. By offering your company & your support, you're actively decreasing the likelihood of SIV.

Many people who hurt themselves have difficulty recognizing or stating their own needs. Therefore, it's helpful for you offer the ways in which you're willing to help. This will allow your students to know when & in what ways they're able to rely on you.

Don't Discourage Self‑Injury

Typically, when we're told that we can't or shouldn't engage in a given behavior, it's for a good reason. However, these reasons take on much more meaning & relevance if they're self-determined.

 

The consequences of our behaviors help us to determine what we should or shouldn't do. Rules, should’s, shouldn'ts, do's & don'ts, limit us & restrict our freedom. When we maintain the right to choose, our choices are much more powerful & effective.

It's both aversive & condescending to tell an individual to not self-injure. As mentioned previously, SIV is a method of coping & it's often used as a final attempt to relieve emotional distress.

 

Most individuals would choose to not hurt themselves if they could. Although SIV produces feelings of shame, secrecy, guilt & isolation, it continues to be utilized as a method of coping. Because some individuals engage in self‑injurious behaviors despite the many negative effects is a clear indication of the necessity of this action to their survival.

When you tell someone to stop something, you're inserting a barrier to communication. This barrier will likely increase the secrecy around self‑inflicted violence. Even a casual comment indicating that your students should stop hurting themselves, runs the risk of damaging the communication & relationship which exists between you.

 

Self-injurers will continue to injure themselves as long as they need to. Your directives will not change this. However, the amount of secrecy & shame experienced because of these actions might change significantly.

Additionally, some individuals who injure themselves may have an adverse reaction to your demand of cessation. By imposing your limits on others, you're creating an atmosphere for failure. Thus, in order to feel control, some who self-injure will increase their SIV behaviors in order to feel as if they have choice & control over these actions.

Although it may be incredibly difficult to witness someone's fresh wounds, it's important that you offer support & not limits, to that individual.

Recognize the Severity of the Person's Distress

Most people don't self-injure because they're curious about what it would be like to hurt themselves. Instead, most SIV is the result of high levels of emotional distress with few available means to cope.

 

Although it may be difficult for you to recognize & tolerate, it's important to realize the extreme level of emotional pain individuals experience surrounding SIV activities.

Open wounds are a fairly direct expression of emotional pain. One of the reasons why individuals injure themselves is so that they transform internal pain into something more tangible, external & treatable.

 

The wound becomes a symbol of both intense suffering & of survival. It's important to acknowledge the messages sent by these scars & injuries. An ability to understand the severity of the self-injurer's distress & empathize appropriately will enhance your communication & connection.

 

Don't be afraid to raise the subject of emotional pain. Allow the youth to speak about his/her inner turmoil rather than express it thru self‑damaging methods.

Get Help For Your Own Reactions

At some point in our lives, most of us have had the experience of feeling distressed by our reactions to someone else's behavior. Al Anon & similar self‑help groups were created to help the friends & families of individuals dealing with problems of addiction & similar behaviors.

 

At this point in time no such organizations exist for those coping with SIV behaviors. However, the basic premise upon which these groups were designed clearly applies to the issue of self‑inflicted violence.

 

Sometimes the behavior of others affects us in such a profound manner that we need help in dealing with our reactions. Entering psychotherapy to deal with your responses to SIV is one such way to handle the reactions which you may find to be overwhelming or disturbing. You may also ask friends or colleagues for support or speak with a religious counselor.

In conclusion, dealing with those who self-injure can be tremendously difficult. Your own reactions & responses can make all the difference in helping those who're hurting themselves. Remember, you don't need to be perfect - you just need to be willing to learn, grow & be honest with yourself & those who you're helping.

Don't miss our Q & A with Dr. Alderman! Read it here.


This article is condensed and adapted from The Scarred Soul: Understanding & Ending Self-Inflicted Violence by Dr. Tracy Alderman. It appears here with permission from the publisher, New Harbinger Publications, Oakland, CA, 800-748-6273, www.newharbinger.com

Psychological distress may predict hypertension

Psychological distress, especially anger, anxiety & depression, may be good predictors of high blood pressure, new research suggests.

Researchers at the University of Pittsburgh & the University of British Columbia reviewed the results of 15 studies published between 1972 & 2000 that assessed the link between psychological distress & hypertension development. The studies measured subjects' levels of:

& then looked at whether the subjects later developed high blood pressure.

None of the subjects initially had hypertension & each study followed the subjects for at least one year. Although the 15 studies' methods, populations & definitions of hypertension varied widely, most of them found associations between psychological factors & blood pressure levels.

Looking at all of the studies, the researchers assert that the risk of developing hypertension was about 8% higher among people who had high psychological distress than among people who had low psychological distress.

"Given the prevalence, clinical repercussions & medical costs associated w/hypertension, a factor disposing a risk increase of this magnitude could be considered highly important to clinical health experts," write researchers Thomas Rutledge, Ph.D., formerly of the University of Pittsburgh & now at the University of California, San Diego & Brenda E. Hogan, M.A., of the University of British Columbia.

Their study is published in the September/October issue of Psychosomatic Medicine.

The researchers also suggest that the apparent association between anger, anxiety & depression & the risk of hypertension "compares favorably w/better established predictors of hypertension such as obesity & physical activity." Therefore, more research into the relationship of psychological factors & hypertension development is warranted.

The 15 research studies reviewed for the analysis included between 78 & 4,650 subjects, most of whom were white & male. However, 4 studies reported separate results for African Americans. Like other subjects, African Americans w/high psychological distress from depression, anxiety & anger had a higher risk of developing hypertension.

The review study is the first major quantitative look at prospective research focusing on psychological predictors of high blood pressure.

Serious Psychological Distress Among Persons with Diabetes --- New York City, 2003

"Depression, anxiety & other disorders causing serious psychological distress (SPD) frequently complicate the health care of persons with diabetes (1--3)."

To assess the prevalence & effects of Severe Psychological Distress among adults w/diabetes, the New York City Department of Health & Mental Hygiene (DOHMH) analyzed data from approximately 10,000 adults who participated in the 2003 New York City Community Health Survey (CHS).

The results indicated that

1) adults with diabetes were twice as likely to have Severe Psychological Distress as those without diabetes 

2) adults with both Severe Psychological Distress & diabetes were more likely than those with only diabetes to live in poverty, report poor health, lack access to health care & to have lost a spouse or partner to separation, divorce, or death.

An integrated program of physical & mental health care that addresses socioeconomic barriers & improves access to treatment might improve the overall health of persons w/diabetes & Severe Psychological Distress.

CHS is a random-digit - dialed telephone survey of noninstitutionalized New York City adults aged >18 years, conducted by DOHMH. The findings described in this report are from interviews in 2003 with 9,802 respondents (response rate: 59% of the 16,752 households contacted); a total of 9,590 persons provided complete data & were included as participants in the study. Interviews were conducted in 23 languages; the study was approved by an institutional review board.

The survey was adapted from the Behavioral Risk Factor Surveillance System (BRFSS) survey & National Health Interview Survey. Diabetes was determined by using the modified BRFSS question,

"Have you ever been told by a doctor that you have diabetes?"

Respondents with positive responses that weren't pregnancy related were classified as having diabetes.

Severe Psychological Distress was determined by using the K6 scale, a psychometrically validated, epidemiologic screening measure that is highly correlated w/diagnostic measures of major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, schizophrenia & other mental disorders (4).

Respondents were asked how often during the preceding 30 days they felt:

  • "sad"
  • "nervous"
  • "restless"
  • "hopeless"
  • "worthless"
  • "everything was an effort"

Responses to these 6 feelings were measured on a scale of 0 - 4 (range: 0 - 24). Responses were summed & participants with scores >13 were classified as having Severe Psychological Distress (5).

Analyses were conducted by using statistical analysis software to account for the complex survey design. Prevalence estimates were adjusted to the 2000 U.S. standard census distribution & 95% confidence intervals (CIs) were generated.

Logistic regression was used to compute age-adjusted odds ratios (AORs) & to determine whether diabetes was an independent risk factor for Severe Psychological Distress.

Among all 9,590 participants, 498 had Severe Psychological Distress, an age-adjusted prevalence of 5.0% (95% CI = 4.5--5.6).

Among the 857 (9.0%) participants w/diabetes, 80 had Severe Psychological Distress, a prevalence of 10.4% (CI = 7.3--14.7).

After controlling for age, sex, race/ethnicity, marital status & household income, participants w/diabetes were twice as likely as participants without diabetes to have SPD (AOR = 1.9; CI = 1.4--2.8).

Adults with diabetes & Severe Psychological Distress were more likely than adults w/only diabetes to be divorced, separated, or widowed (48.7% vs. 25.3%) or to have household incomes below $25,000 (70.2% vs. 42.8%) (Table).

Moreover, adults with diabetes & SPD reported poorer health-care utilization than adults with only diabetes. Only 11% of adults with diabetes & Severe Psychological Distress had private insurance, compared with 41.6% of adults with only diabetes.

Adults with both conditions also were more likely than adults with only diabetes to report not filling a prescription or seeing a doctor for a medical problem because of cost (42.0% vs 16.5% & 47.1% vs 23.1%, respectively). Adults with both conditions were also more than twice as likely as adults with only diabetes to use an emergency department as their usual source of health care (25.6% vs 9.8%) (Table).

Self-reported health status was worse for adults with both diabetes & Severe Psychological Distress, compared with adults with only diabetes. Fair or poor health was reported by 78.2% of adults with diabetes & Severe Psychological Distress, compared with 39.8% of those with only diabetes.

In addition, adults with both diabetes & Severe Psychological Distress were 3 times as likely than those with only diabetes (64.2% vs 22.2%) to report >3 days during the preceding 30 days, when poor physical health limited their usual activities & 7 times as likely (63.3% vs 9.1%) to report similar limitations attributed to poor mental health (Table).

Reported by: KH McVeigh, PhD, F Mostashari, MD, LE Thorpe, PhD, Div of Epidemiology, New York City Dept of Health and Mental Hygiene. National Center for Chronic Disease Prevention and Health Promotion, CDC.

Editorial Note:

Diabetes & other chronic diseases (e.g., hypertension & asthma) have been associated w/higher rates of Severe Psychological Distress (1--3,6,7).

The findings in this report are consistent w/previous studies of diabetes that have suggested SPD occurs twice as often among persons with diabetes as among the general population, usually in the form of depression or depressive symptomatology (1--3).

The findings regarding the use of health-care services by persons with diabetes & depression compared w/persons with only diabetes are consistent with other studies that have associated having diabetes & depression with poor physical & mental functioning, increased use of the emergency department & poor adherence to medication regimens (8,9).

Pharmacologic & nonpharmacologic mental health treatments have been shown to reduce depressive symptomatology in persons with  both diabetes & depression; however, evidence conflicts regarding whether they improve glycemic control (10).

The findings in this report are subject to at least 3 limitations.

First, the sample represents only noninstitutionalized adults with telephones.

Second, the cross-sectional nature of the study prevents determining whether SPD preceded or followed the onset of diabetes.

Finally, the data are self-reported & measures of glycemic control, self-care practices, severity of diabetes & diagnostic measures to distinguish the exact type of SPD weren't available.

Persons with comorbid diabetes & SPD face formidable economic & social obstacles to receiving appropriate health care. Increased use of more effective methods for detecting & managing depression & other mental disorders might be particularly beneficial for persons with diabetes. Research is needed to assess the effects of these methods on diabetes & mental health outcomes.

References

  1. Anderson RJ, Freedland KE, Clouse RE, Lustman PJ. The prevalence of comorbid depression in adults with diabetes: a meta-analysis. Diabetes Care 2001;24:1069--78.
  2. Grigsby AB, Anderson RJ, Freedland KE, Clouse RE, Lustman PJ. Prevalence of anxiety in adults with diabetes: a systematic review. J Psychosom Res 2002;53:1053--60.
  3. Dinan T, Peveler R, Holt R. Understanding schizophrenia and diabetes. Hosp Med 2004;65:485--8.
  4. Kessler RC, Andrews G, Colpe LJ, et al. Short screening scales to monitor population prevalences and trends in non-specific psychological distress. Psychol Med 2002;32:959--76.
  5. CDC. Serious psychological distress. Early release of selected estimates based on data from the January--March 2004 National Health Interview Survey. Hyattsville, MD: US Department of Health and Human Services, CDC, National Center for Health Statistics; 2004. Available at click here.
  6. Jonas BS, Lando JF. Negative affect as a prospective risk factor for hypertension. Psychosom Med 2000;62:188--96.
  7. Katon WJ, Richardson L, Lozano P, McCauley E. The relationship of asthma and anxiety disorders. Psychosom Med 2004;66:349--55.
  8. Ciechanowski PS, Katon WJ, Russo JE. Depression and diabetes: impact of depressive symptoms on adherence, function, and costs. Arch Intern Med 2000;160:3278--85.
  9. Katon W, Von Korff M, Ciechanowski P, et al. Behavioral and clinical factors associated with depression among individuals with diabetes. Diabetes Care 2004;27:914--20.
  10. Katon WJ, Von Korff M, Lin EH, et al. The Pathways study: a randomized trial of collaborative care in patients with diabetes and depression. Arch Gen Psychiatry 2004;61:1042--9.

12 Irrational Ideas That Cause & Sustain Emotional Distress

Rational therapy holds that certain core irrational ideas, which have been clinically observed, are at the root of most emotional disturbance.

They are:

1. The idea that it's a dire necessity for adults to be loved by significant others for almost everything they do - instead of their concentrating on their own self-respect, on winning approval for practical purposes & on loving rather than on being loved.

2. The idea that certain acts are awful or wicked & that people who perform such acts should be severely damned - instead of the idea that certain acts are self-defeating or antisocial & that people who perform such acts are behaving stupidly, ignorantly or neurotically & would be better helped to change. People's poor behaviors don't make them rotten individuals.

3. The idea that it's horrible when things aren't the way we like them to be - instead of the idea that it's too bad, that we would better try to change or control bad conditions so that they become more satisfactory & if that isn't possible, we had better temporarily accept & gracefully lump their existence.

4. The idea that human misery is invariably externally caused & is forced on us by outside people & events - instead of the idea that neurosis is largely caused by the view that we take of unfortunate conditions.

5. The idea that if something is or may be dangerous or fearsome we should be terribly upset & endlessly obsess about it - instead of the idea that one would better frankly face it & render it non-dangerous & when that isn't possible, accept the inevitable.

6. The idea that it's easier to avoid than to face life difficulties & self-responsibilities - instead of the idea that the so-called easy way is usually much harder in the long run.

7. The idea that we absolutely need something other or stronger or greater than yourself on which to rely - instead of the idea that it's better to take the risks of thinking & acting less dependently .

8. The idea that we should be thoroughly competent, intelligent & achieving in all possible respects - instead of the idea that we'd better do rather than always need to do well & accept ourself as a quite imperfect creature, who has general human limitations & specific fallibilities.

9. The idea that because something once strongly affected our life, it should indefinitely affect it - instead of the idea that we can learn from our past experiences but not be overly-attached to or prejudiced by them.

10. The idea that we must have certain & perfect control over things - instead of the idea that the world is full of probability & chance & that we can still enjoy life despite this.

11. The idea that human happiness can be achieved by inertia & inaction - instead of the idea that we tend to be happiest when we are vitally absorbed in creative pursuits, or when we're devoting ourselves to people or projects outside ourselves.

12. The idea that we have virtually no control over our emotions & that we can't help feeling disturbed about things - instead of the idea that we have real control over our destructive emotions if we choose to work at changing the musturbatory hypotheses which we often employ to create them. 

CORE BELIEFS

  1. Helpless core beliefs Unlovable core beliefs
  2. I'm helpless.
  3. I'm powerless.
  4. I'm out of control.
  5. I'm weak.
  6. I'm vulnerable.
  7. I'm needy.
  8. I'm trapped.
  9. I'm inadequate.
  10. I'm ineffective.
  11. I'm incompetent.
  12. I'm a failure.
  13. I'm feeling disrespected.
  14. I'm feeling defective (i.e., I don't measure up to others).
  15. I'm not good enough (in terms of achievement).  I'm unlovable.
  16. I'm unlikable.
  17. I'm undesirable.
  18. I'm unattractive.
  19. I'm unwanted.
  20. I'm uncared for.
  21. l'm bad.
  22. I'm unworthy.
  23. I'm different.
  24. I'm feeling defective (i.e., so others will not love me).
  25. I'm not good enough (to be loved by others).
  26. I'm bound to be rejected.
  27. I'm bound to be abandoned.
  28. I'm bound to be alone.

Facts About Core Beliefs

q    That it's an idea, not necessarily a truth

q    That it can be believed quite strongly, even "feel" like it's true, & yet be mostly if not entirely untrue

q    That, as an idea, it can be tested

q    That it's usually rooted in childhood events, that may or may not have been true at the time it came to be believed

q    That it continues to be maintained thru regularly recognizing any data that supports the belief while ignoring or discounting data to the contrary

q    That thru work & using various strategies, over time, this idea can be changed & a more realistic view be established

Modifying Core Beliefs thru Disputation

Old Core Belief

 New Core Belief

  • I'm generally a likable person
  • I'm a worthwhile person with positive & negative features
  • I have control over many things
  • I'm normal, with both strengths & weaknesses

CHALLENGING MY UNHELPFUL IDEA

What idea have I strongly & persistently held that I now realize to be the cause of many problems - emotional or otherwise - in my life?

What’s wrong with this idea? What makes it unrealistic, extreme, illogical &/or unreasonable?

How does this idea push me & others around? What are the consequences of doggedly holding on to this idea?

Is it helping me get what I want or hurting me?


Is there any proof to support this irrational &/or unhelpful idea?

Imagine that I’m trying to convince another person why it doesn’t make sense to think that way; what persuasive counterarguments would convince him or her?

Note to myself I'll try to notice when this old unhelpful idea seems to be at the root of some new distress. I'll regularly read what I’ve written on this sheet to help myself think more clearly, feel better & act more wisely.

 the following web links are provided for your convenience in visiting the source sites  for the information displayed on this page:

 

Low Birth Weight Linked to Adult Psychological Distress

 

Helping Those Who Hurt Themselves

 

Emotional Distress - The Anxious Student

 

Psychological Distress May Predict Hypertension

 

Helping Your Child Thru A Divorce

 

And Now The Hard Part

Newsweek

 

excerpt from the book:

Feeling Better, Getting Better, Staying Better:
Profound Self-Help Therapy for Your Emotions

12 Irrational Ideas.....

 

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this website is part of the emotional feelings network of sites...
 
 
please have a great day & take a few minutes to explore some of the other sites in the emotional feelings network of sites! explore the unresolved emotions & feelings that may be the cause of some of your pain & hurt... be curious & open to new possibilities! thanks again for visiting at anxieties 102!
 
 
anxieties 101 - click here!
anxieties 102 - click here!
 
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until next time: consider yourself hugged by a friend today!
 
til' next time! kathleen
**disclaimer**
this is simply an informational website concerning emotions & feelings. it does not advise anyone to perform methods -treatments - practice described within, endorse methods described anywhere within or advise any visitor with medical or psychological treatment that should be considered only thru a medical doctor, medical professional, or mental health professional.  in no way are we a medical professional or mental health professional.