an excerpt from: School Readiness & Success

"..... the typical development of a child.

In brief, we know that children pass thru different stages. In infancy, children are learning trust & attachment to significant people in their lives. This very foundation is critical in order to keep moving & progressing to the next stages.

Children need to learn they can trust us as the important adults in their lives. We need to meet their needs. Crying is their communication. They're not manipulating you nor misbehaving when they cry. Most likely they need something! Once a child begins to pull up, move around & view the world, they begin to develop what's known as a sense of independence.

This can be a wonderful time or a trying time for parents. Walking, learning language, toilet training, self-feeding are all milestones during this time. And explore & touch they will! This is also very important! If they don't develop a healthy sense of independence, then the opposite of this is shame or feeling doubtful.

Shaming a child harshly during this critical stage can undermine him or her reaching out to learn & explore later on.

Once a child is about 3-4, they enter another developmental stage called taking initiative. This means starting activities. And think about this....as adults, we want children to start activities. We want them to take the INITIATIVE to do work on their own.

The opposite of a healthy development of a sense of initiative is a sense of guilt. We don't want children to feel bad or guilty having thought up an idea, created a proposal, or invented something useful! Our world is full of great inventions that occurred by someone taking the initiative!

Then the stage just prior to children entering school is INDUSTRY. The industry stage is perfectly timed to mean work & producing work. The opposite of industry is feeling inferior or "put down." 

Personal Accounts: Mental Illness, Motherhood & Me

Laura Perkins

When I was growing up, I always felt awkward about how I should act around family, friends & strangers. I knew I had a problem but didn't know what it was or how to deal with it.

As a result, I self-medicated with drugs & alcohol. It wasn't until I was in my 30's that I was given a diagnosis of bipolar affective disorder. During all those years of confusion, self-hate & emotional turmoil, I desperately wanted to someday be "normal."

For me, being normal meant raising & caring for children; I wanted to tend to their physical, emotional & spiritual needs.

Unfortunately, during most of my adult life, I've been very emotionally unstable & cried whenever one of my sisters became pregnant or when I saw a mother with her children. I constantly heard conflicting views on my being a mother. Some people told me my mental illness would compromise my ability to function well as a parent. My illness might cause me to lack patience. I'd sorely lack the skills needed to be a mother at the time I'd need them the most.  

For example, if my children were sick or misbehaved in school or at home, how would I quell my inner turmoil so that I could best handle whatever situation I'd have to face to meet my children's needs?

I think what my family & friends most feared was that if I had any strong emotion - mania, depression, or anger - I wouldn't be able to channel it appropriately or diffuse it. Others expressed various negative opinions that consistently left me feeling confused & doubtful.

I was too scared to have even a tiny spark of hope of parenthood for fear of having this hope snuffed out. Feeling doubtful was my constant state of mind when I considered issues of pregnancy & parenthood.

My attitude was shaped by many people's opinions, not necessarily my own. My family & friends meant well, but they succeeded only in making me feel trapped, as if I couldn't make important decisions on my own. I felt especially oppressed by the media.

Everywhere I looked the media was portraying "normal" women - who didn't have a mental illness - with their children & these children were always well behaved & well mannered.  

How could I ever live up to this version of a model mom? My own mother was right about one thing at least: I fell in love & someone fell in love with me. Shortly after we were married, my husband & I discussed planning a family. However, it soon became apparent to both of us that childbearing might not be a wise decision.

Over the course of our marriage I've struggled with the decision of whether to become a parent & I've often been sick. I frequently required admission to a mental health unit. My husband had many of the same concerns that my family, friends & doctors had. However, he never blamed me for not being able to start a family.

Others, especially my mother, would gently remind me that not every woman was meant to be a mother. Maybe she was right. I hadn't had any patience with children in the past. My mother tried to soothe my pain & told me I was still a loving person & that not giving birth to my own child didn't make me any less of a woman.

She said I shouldn't need a baby to feel complete & that I was deserving & worthy of a loving husband. However well intentioned she might have been, I interpreted her words as meaning that I absolutely wouldn't ever be able to have a stable life with children & that the sooner I accepted that fact, the better off I would be. I was left feeling even more patronized & unworthy.  

For years, most people who knew me would have agreed with my mother, telling me that because I had been in & out of hospitals for years as a result of my psychiatric illness, I wasn't stable enough to function as a mother. Hearing my supposed friends agree with my mother one after the other was very frustrating & confirmed the feeling that my husband & I had little or no support for achieving our dream.

Whenever I asked how stable I should be before I started a family, almost everyone I spoke to - my primary care physician, my therapist, my psychiatrist, my friends & my family - replied "anywhere between 1 & 5 years, when you're stable on medication & out of the hospital."

Often, meeting these criteria seemed like an impossible & daunting task.

Every once in a while I'd mention to my family & friends that I was thinking about planning a pregnancy, in the hope that they'd be supportive of my decision. They never were. I was immediately told it was an insane idea. Their concerns offered me little comfort. My mother believed that my being pregnant & remaining healthy during & after a pregnancy was nothing more than a "pipe dream"; I began to doubt the wisdom of my dream. I hadn't a clue how to relieve their concerns & fears - or my own.

Being bombarded with all those comments, I came to believe I'd probably remain childless. I was taking psychiatric medication, which was a very grave concern. I had so many questions about pregnancy & my mental illness. Could I continue to take the same medications, or would I need to make adjustments?  

What was the best way for me to remain emotionally stable while pregnant? And what would happen when I was actually faced with the reality of having a child? I still have many other concerns that will need to be dealt with on a daily basis if I plan to have a family. Having a mental illness & contending with medications is hard enough without being pregnant.

I also struggle with other issues, most of which are shared by practically every parent. I worry about whether I could develop & maintain communication skills between my husband, our children, & myself in a way that would help us grow together as a family. Like all parents & would-be parents, I'm concerned about financial security, especially in these times of large budget cuts & corporate layoffs.

Many parents who pursue a career seem to find ways to accomplish this without sacrificing their time, love & attention in raising their children. I wonder about my ability to provide healthy food choices & to be responsible for my children's nutritional health. Do I have the stamina for tasks such as paying doctors' bills & school-related fees & saving toward a college education?

I know of other parents who have a mental illness. They've been good parents, even when the odds seemed to be against them. When one of them suffered a relapse, the family was still able to function well as a whole. These parents have shown me how to maintain a proper perspective & how I might balance my husband's, my children's & my own needs.  

Realizing that I may someday be a parent, I'm trying to take an active role in maintaining my mental health. I'm keeping all my therapy appointments, taking medication as prescribed & keeping active thru work, friends & hobbies. I hope I'll remain stable & will eventually be able to raise a family.

For the first time in my life, I have a true conviction that it's indeed possible to have something that was missing in my life, something I'd always been told & always believed was impossible - a family of my own.

I've shared my excitement & concerns about motherhood w/my entire support system, including my primary care physician, my psychiatrist, my therapist, my family, my friends, people I know thru church & 12-step groups & my coworkers & fellow clubhouse members. We talk about my illness & my medications & how they may affect my ability to be the kind of mother all children deserve.

I'm sure I've started a plan that'll help me to stay emotionally stable now & will help me later in raising a happy, healthy & well-adjusted child.

During this process, my husband & I realized that because of my age, not necessarily my illness, pregnancy would pose too many risks for both me & a baby. I started searching the Internet for information about pregnancy & mental illness & found many articles about the risks I'd face because of my age.

As a result, I've decided not to give birth but to adopt. By considering adoption, my husband & I have made the first & most important decision. All our investigating has paid off. I have a much more realistic view of what parents who have any kind of mental illness may be challenged with. I've developed realistic expectations & goals, both for myself & for my family. Being mentally ill, in & of itself, doesn't deny a person motherhood.

Dealing With Our Doubts
by Alison McKee

Years ago a friend said to me,

"We don't know how to homeschool."

To this she added, "We need to follow their lead. When they want to learn something we should listen to them & follow that advice."

I knew from experience that my friend was correct & I also knew how difficult it was to follow that advice. At that time in our homeschooling venture, our difficulty was learning to accept that what our family did & how our family lived was the normal way to live.

On the surface I understood that the institution of school, a human creation, was, in fact, an institution which removed learning from its natural realm of the greater world & put it within the confines of brick buildings. I was well aware of the fact that the mammoth educational institution, so pervasive throughout the world, often caused me to forget that this humanly created institution was still in its infancy.

I needed to consciously remind myself that schooling , as we know it, has only been in existence for the past hundred years or so. Before that time most children spent few hours within the confines of classrooms & did the majority of their learning alongside the masters of the arts & trades to which they were apprenticed.

I'd often forget this fact & when I did I'd find myself face-to-face with my own doubts about my abilities as a home educator. Even with today's success of the homeschooling movement & my 20 years of active participation in it, I too can sometimes hear the skeptical, critical little voice in my head questioning whether we've done the right thing. (that's the initial stages of self doubt - kat)

Over the years I have explored this doubt - where it comes from, what it's like & why it's so pervasive - with others who homeschool & in so doing have tried to help them & myself, come to terms with this only partly tameable beast.

I've learned thru experience that the best way to come to peaceful terms with our doubt is to tell our stories to one another, in much the same way that we do when we attend homeschooling conferences, so that together we can create a new understanding of what healthy living & learning look like.

It's my hope that by sharing our personal stories with one another we can begin to destroy the myth that without full-time traditional schooling our children will somehow become less able adults than their schooled peers.

very important point - please read this - kat

The oral tradition of story-telling, as a means by which to transmit culture, has long been part of the human experience & so it's within this context that I'd like to tell you some of my story.

As you read, it I hope you'll be encouraged to tell your story to friends & fellow homeschoolers & thus help us all form a new basis of educational understanding which views learning within our homes & communities as the rule rather than the exception to the rule.  

My husband & I have been homeschooling our 2 children since 1978 when our first child was born. As preschoolers, Christian's & Georgina's lives were their schools. When Christian became school age we decided to continue allowing his life to be his school. A few years later we made the same decision for his sister.

For neither child did we want text books or curriculum. We'd witnessed the miracle of learning that had taken place in our living room & out in the community & sensed that things might continue in the same way if we simply allowed Christian & Georgina to learn from what life brought their way.

Why, then, were we sometimes haunted by doubts about what we were about? Did we not trust our instincts or our children? Why is it that we sometimes, even now, feel the pressure of society, questioning ourselves & our decisions?

Our children are grown, one is even in college & yet with one teen still at home there can be momentary lapses where we question what we're doing & the direction we're going.

Like most parents who make the decision to homeschool, our decision was made with great care. Before Christian had reached school age, we had already had many serious discussions about it. We read all we could find, starting with an interview with John Holt in The Mother Earth News & continuing with all the back issues of Growing Without Schooling, Nancy Wallace's book Better Than School & all of John Holt's books, some of which we had read in college.

We eagerly read anything that was available. I even had the wonderful chance to spend an evening with John Holt when he came to a music educators conference in Minneapolis. All of this foraging in the realm of homeschooling made us feel we could do it. By the time Christian was school age, we felt pretty sure that we were well prepared to take on the full responsibility for his education. That was back in 1983.  

As luck would have it, a confluence of events took place the summer before Christian should have gone to school. I was suddenly & most gladly, back at home full-time. David was done with his degree & had accepted a job in Wisconsin. If school were to be our choice, Christian faced the possibility of spending 3 weeks in kindergarten before we moved.

We decided that rather than put Christian in kindergarten at all, we'd simply keep him home "an extra year" & try our hand at homeschooling. After all, what sense could it make to enroll a 5 year-old in a school, remove him 3 weeks later & put him in a new school in a new town & state?

We also knew that Wisconsin was in the process of developing new homeschooling laws, which meant that there would be the possibility of having a voice in the process. All of these events, when considered together, seemed to be an open invitation to take the risk & try a year of homeschooling.

Given the fact that we were well prepared to homeschool & that it seemed the only sensible thing to do, how did doubt creep in?

In the initial stages of our homeschooling life, the most serious concern we had was limited to one important issue: Finding support, in our new community, for our chosen educational path. This was a scary issue at the time because homeschooling wasn't so well known.  

Eventually we made connections with 2 families in Wisconsin who were homeschooling. Although these 2 families didn't live anywhere near us, we felt as though we had found the support we needed. We were, by no means, going to be the sole homeschoolers in Wisconsin!

In those initial years, we continued to build a network of support while we watched our children grow & learn. From an educational standpoint, we felt relatively secure with our decision to homeschool & continued to keep "trying it for another year."

As the years rolled on, it seemed to us that our young children were mastering the basic skills of life quite successfully with little guidance from us. Christian learned to read, Georgina showed an interest in the written word but wasn't ready to master reading & both children seemed to be happy & outgoing.

Those early days of homeschooling were both a joy & a frustration. Even though David & I could recognize that our children were making progress in their personal & educational development, we still worried. Georgina was definitely a "late reader" & Christian's "allergy" to writing caused us to think of him as a "non writer."

These issues combined with the often invasive questions about our educational choice & whether or not we were harming our children by keeping them at home kept staring us in the face. We'd often find ourselves asking, "Are we on the right track?"

We found it easy to doubt ourselves when we focused on our children's "difficulties" with reading & writing or on "bad" days. It took us a little time, but soon we learned to focus ourselves on the positive aspects of homeschooling. We reminded ourselves, when we worried about academic issues, that our children weren't becoming stagnant.

They always seemed to be mastering new skills whether it was how to use the telephone to make inquiries, tie their shoes, cook a meal or spell the name of a new friend. With such reminders, it became easier to assuage our doubt & replace it with a new found confidence in our children's ability to learn & grow according to their inner voices rather than our schooled expectations.

When we were confronted by a series of "bad days," which might be marked by quarreling or endless boredom, it was important to remind ourselves that these, too, were learning opportunities. By homeschooling our children we were giving them endless opportunities to work thru their differences & learn the intricacies of living closely with one another.

Their boredom more than once served as a motivator & spurred them on to long-term, creative learning ventures that neither David nor I could ever have planned. By teaching ourselves to focus on the positive rather than the negative, David & I learned to recognize that, indeed, we were on the right track after all. Our children were thriving, happy & curious about their world. They fit in socially with adults & children in our community of friends.

It took quite some time before I realized why David & I could fluctuate so easily between feeling so good about our decision to homeschool one day & being so unsure of ourselves the next. Like most adults, we had been traditionally schooled for 13 years not to mention the fact that both of us were college graduates. It turned out that those years in school had done more to us than we realized.

If I really thought hard about it I understood that, beginning in kindergarten, we'd been taught to recognize our failings & our weaknesses. In fact, most of my adult peers had learned the same lessons. Some of us learned that we weren't able to color well, others learned that the alphabet wasn't easily mastered & most importantly, many of us found that our peers & teachers weren't always supportive of our differences.

These lessons seemed to be the simple beginnings of what I came to realize was the self-doubt that school instills into our collective psyche. Schools taught us that all children should be on the same developmental path. If they aren't, we worry & try to think of ways to manipulate them onto "the right path." In this way, David & I & most other schooled people, have been taught to doubt the value of being a unique individual.

On days when things were running smoothly there were other situations which brought our doubts to the fore. Most commonly it was the questions of frien