from: Book Review: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, PhD
Contempt in relationships can be seen thru:
Gottman views contempt as a way to convey disgust & when feelings of disgust are present, chances of reconciliation decrease.
Being defensive harms relationships in 2 ways:
- The ability to listen & respond to a spouse who is attacking suffers while the attacker gains momentum. Gottman describes
the stonewalling partner as the partner who doesn't give any casual feedback that would indicate he/she isn't listening.
- "Stonewallers act as if they could care less," he says. The
hurtful & non-productive system
of spouses initiating conversations with criticism & contempt which then lead to defensiveness & stonewalling is common for many couples.
Rather than focus entirely on predicting
the demise of marriages, the author
gratefully shifts
his focus to happy
marriages & 7 characteristics that make them successful.
The idea of friendship
being a foundation for a healthy marriage is reiterated throughout Gottman's book & there are numerous exercises in the book to assist couples in becoming
more connected with one another.
I believe couples searching for ways to change destructive patterns will find Gottman's book a useful tool. He reminds us to focus on positive feelings which have been the foundation for the relationship & to remember the importance of
our own behaviors within the relationship. He encourages us to spend time with partners. This book is a call to act with honor & respect with in
relationships.
How can I discipline without losing my
cool?
Question:
I've been married to my wonderful husband for about 6 1/2 years now. I'm raising 2 12-year-old girls (since they were 5 years old). One is my biological daughter & the other my stepdaughter.
My daughter doesn't get very good grades in school, but is responsible. My stepdaughter isn't responsible, but is good in school.
It's been suggested that I take time to my self daily, because I also have another 3 children. To make a long story short, it's hard for me to keep my cool when they're
rebellious. I don't get physical, but I get defensive & it's hard for me to stop & hear their side of the story.
So, they just get disciplined (privileges taken
away). Please tell me: What's the best way to love & discipline without going crazy?
Answer:
You say that you have 2 12-year-old girls & 3 other children. I'm assuming that, for the moment, it's the 12-year-olds
who are being rebellious.
You also say that you "get defensive & that it's hard for you to hear their side of the story &
so they just get disciplined by having privileges taken away."
1st, it sounds like you're having the normal struggles all parents have with kids who're just about to become
teenagers.
2nd, it's very important to take time for yourself daily, as someone has suggested to you.
When we're stressed out, we tend to do & say things that we later regret. There's a useful acronym borrowed from Alcoholics Anonymous - HALT - which stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.
These are the states in which people are most likely to relapse & drink alcohol again. But for everyone, these are also the states in which we do our worst parenting & our worst relating in our marriages.
You don't say whether or not you're working outside of the home, but whether you are or not, trying to raise 5 kids
is a full-time job by itself. I'd also want to know what role your husband plays in the disciplining of the girls & if
the 2 of you are in sync when it comes to rules & follow-thru.
Aside from those questions, I find that for all of us who struggle to raise children, it's our own anxiety that causes the most trouble & that when we learn to manage our anxiety, it's usually easier.
i.e., let's say that one of the 12-year-olds knows that she has to finish her homework & show it to you
before she can watch any television. Being in a rebellious mood, she shouts from the family room, "Yeah, I did it!" as she
turns on the TV.
My anxiety as a parent might be to fold. I'd worry that she hasn't done her homework & that she'll fail in school & therefore fail in life & I'd worry that I was losing control & authority & that if I lose control & authority, I'll be a "bad" parent & therefore I'll be a failure in life. I know that may sound extreme, but if we're honest with ourselves, that's what it usually comes down to.
As the adults in the family, it's our job to master our own feelings before we can expect our teens to master theirs. If you're getting exasperated, take 2 steps back from the center of the conflict & tell yourself that you don't have to come up with an immediate response.
Think it thru. If need be, confer with your spouse; i.e., you might sit down with him in the bedroom & say, "She's not following
thru with reporting on her homework before she turns on the TV. Can you back me up if we remove the TV from the family room
for 24 hours?"
After the 2 of you agree on a solution to the problem, continue to calm yourself & then the 2 of you can go back out & very calmly & matter-of-factly turn off the TV, unplug it & carry it into the garage or your bedroom closet.
You might think that's a pretty extreme solution for such a minor problem, but I use it to make a point. We parents often make
a simple mistake that has far-reaching consequences.
The mistake is that we have too many rules, none of which is enforced consistently. It's better to have a few rules that are sacred &
pretty much non-negotiable, so pick your battles wisely & then make sure you have a strategy.
Having a strategy means that you've thought it thru & know how you will react ahead of time. While it's difficult in the middle of a hectic day to always
have a strategy ahead of time - when these more protracted power struggles begin to appear - it's in your & your children's best interests to step away from the conflict until you do.
Sometimes
